Chapter Thirty One
There’s no way that I failed that final. There’s no way in hell. I’m staring at the grade on the computer screen in front of me, completely at a loss for words. All I wanted to do was look at my schedule again for the spring semester, but I didn’t realize the grades were posted. I still passed the class, but only with a C. If I’m wanting to become a doctor at any reputable school, this isn’t going to get me there.
“Fuck.” I mutter.
Is this because I’ve been so distracted? That’s definitely a possibility. I haven’t had the time to study with thoughts of Elena on my mind constantly. I’m always with her all the time, and I love that, but now my grades are slipping. I can’t have that happen. I can’t lose my scholarship.
Slamming my laptop shut, I get up and grab my backpack from the floor. I need to go talk to my advisor about all of this. They’ll probably know more about this than me as to what to do.
“Xav...” Elena giggles, closing the door gently behind her. She’s got a little bit of syrup on her cheek from the pancakes Dion made downstairs. “Come here.”
She pulls me closer towards her and goes to kiss my neck, but I gently pull away. “Not right now.” I sigh.
“Why not?” She asks. I watch her smile fade, becoming slightly annoyed. “Come on, I didn’t get to have you last night.”
She pulls the backpack off of my shoulder and it falls to the floor with a thud, making me even more irritated. This is why I almost failed a class. Because I’m too busy having sex rather than focusing on studying.
“Elena.” I mutter harshly, grabbing my backpack again. “Come on, alright? I’m not in the mood.”
“Why?” She asks. “What the hell happened?”
“I almost failed one of my classes. I got a C.” When she looks at me and gets a smile on her face I give her a confused expression. “What’s so funny?”
“Xav, a C? That’s what you’re upset about? It’s okay if you get one C. It’s not going to make a difference.”
“Um, to get into medical school it definitely could. This isn’t a joke to me. I’ve been too distracted lately.”
Once she pieces two and two together, she crosses her arms over her chest and looks down at her feet. “Distracted?” She asks. “I’m getting in the way of your dreams?”
“You’re not getting in the way.” I try to explain. “I’m just stressed out right now.”
“So let me relax you.” She smirks and goes to grab my crotch through my sweatpants.
“Elena, what the fuck?” I move away from her and narrow my eyes. “What part of not right now do you not fucking understand? Some things are more important than getting into someone’s pants. The world doesn’t revolve around sex.”
Her eyes widen at my words as she takes a step back from me. I realize that what I just said came out completely wrong, especially since it’s her, but clearly the damage has already been done.
“Well, the truth finally comes out.” She laughs sarcastically. “Glad to know how you really feel.”
“Elena...” I trail off, trying to somehow dig myself out of this. She grabs her bag from the floor of my bedroom and goes over to my bed to grab her charger out of the outlet. “Hey.” I grab onto her hand and see the tears running down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean to say that, alright?”
“Sure you didn’t. Just admit it, Xavier. You think you’re some hot shot on campus that just wound up getting sucked into my dramatics. You don’t want to deal with me and the baggage I carry no matter how much you say it. It’s too much for you.”
“You know that’s not true.” I say, but she’s already crying harder.
“I’m too much for everyone.” She sniffles. “Listen to what you just said! Even you judge me. The world doesn’t revolve around sex? Really, Xavier? That’s a low blow. Even from you.”
“You’re not too much for me. Hey, please stop crying for me. I’m sorry, Elena.”
“Whatever.” She pulls away from my grasp and wipes underneath her eyes to get rid of the tears, her emotions being replaced with stone just like when we first met. The last thing I want to do is go backwards with her. We’ve come so far. “Maybe we just need some space so that you can work on that C.”
I don’t want to tell her that I think we need space, but honestly this grade is weighing heavily on me. It’s not that she doesn’t matter, and it’s not that she’s not important, but at this point in my life my education has to be the priority. I can’t let my family down. If that means taking a little bit of space from her until I can get my grades up then I hope she understands that.
“Oh my god.” She laughs again in disbelief. “You want space, don’t you?”
“It’s not that I want this.” I tell her. “I don’t want space from you, I just want us to be able to figure out a way where my grades can be important too.”
“When have I ever made it where school wasn’t important? When have I ever told you not to go to class? When have I told you to stay with me instead of studying? I’ve never made you choose. That’s on you to decide to do those things.”
“That’s what I’m trying to get at though, Elena. I don’t have fucking self-control when it comes to you. I want to be with you all the time, and it’s starting to scare me. I’m becoming dependent on you, and that’s not okay.”
“So this fight was originally about you not being able to do your homework, and now it’s about you being scared to be with me? What the fuck are you trying to get at? Just spit it out.”
I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling to her. I love her, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but I also need to make sure my grades don’t slip. I know that I’m responsible for my own actions, but that’s what I’m most afraid of. If this goes any further with her I’ll give up everything. If she asked me to I would, and that’s scaring the shit out of me.
“You know what?” She rolls her eyes and opens the door to my room. “You go ahead and work on those grades, Xavier. I’m removing myself from the fucking equation.”
The door slams in my face, leaving me alone with my backpack in hand.
I’ve been at the library for almost eight hours. It sounds stupid since the semester is just starting next week, but I wanted to get a head start on all of the textbooks I have for class. I refuse to fall behind and get another C.
As much as the fight with Elena is bothering me and weighing on the back of my mind, I somehow was able to push it out and focus on what I needed to do.
As I’m reflecting on our fight on the way home though I start to regret everything I said to her. I was stressed out and said things without thinking. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t see my life without her in it.
I pull my phone out of my leather jacket pocket and find her contact. I’m not surprised when it goes straight to voicemail.
“Elena.” I sigh once the tone beeps for me to leave a message. “Listen, I’m so sorry for what I said to you earlier. I didn’t mean any of it. You’re the most important person to me in my life, and to say that I’d rather focus on studying was just a stupid response. There’s no reason I can’t make time for both.”
I press the phone between my ear and shoulder while I fish out the keys to the house from my backpack. I can’t seem to find them in the dark though, so I turn on the porch light. “Look baby, please just come over so we can work this all out. I love you.”
When I open the door to the house it’s pitch black. I know Dion had a date with Amelia tonight, so I’m assuming he decided to sleep at her house. I don’t know where Cam or Rodney are. Letting out a sigh, I shrug my jacket off and put it on the coat rack.
I want to stay up and wait for Elena to get here if she decides to come, but I honestly feel like I’m going to crash at any given second. I know she’ll wake me up if she comes. She always does.
When I reach the top of the stairs I’m surprised to find Elena already here. She’s just leaving the bathroom, tears running down her face. She’s only in a t-shirt, and for a second I want to be mad that she’s wandering around here like that in front of everyone, but after what I said to her earlier I think I should just keep my mouth shut.
“Xav...” She shakes her head and attempts to wipe away the tears.
“No, don’t even say anything. I’m so sorry baby. This whole thing is my fault.”
I go to reach for her until Cameron opens up his bedroom door. He’s only in his boxers, and he sends a wink over towards Elena. “You ready for round two, sexy?”
I’m frozen as a statue as I look between the two of them, a huge pit growing in my stomach. You’ve got to be joking. This has to be some sort of prank.
“Xavier.” Elena’s eyes grow wide, fear seeping into them. “I-I’m so sorry. I was just in such a bad place, and I-I went to the first person that I knew-”
“You son of a bitch!” I lunge towards Cameron and tackle him to the floor, my fist colliding with his jaw. “You motherfucker!”
“Xavier, stop!” Elena pleads, completely sobbing. She tries to grab my shirt to get me off of him but I shrug her off and continue punching him, never letting up.
Cameron throws one hit that hits me in my nose, but my anger is too powerful for him. It’s not pretty when I lose my temper, and I’ve been holding back on Cameron for months now. I continue my punches on him until his body goes limp beneath me.
“Xavier, you’re going to kill him! Stop!”
As soon as I hear her words I immediately stop and realize that I’m sobbing myself. His blood is all over my knuckles and the floor, little groans escaping his mouth as he lies there, unable to move.
This is what I was afraid of. I can’t control myself with her. I’ve fallen so in love with her that I completely forgot that she has the power to destroy me. I’m fucking destroyed.
I’m panting from how out of breath I am, unable to even look at her.
“Xavier.” She starts, but I immediately shake my head.
“Don’t.” I choke out. “Just go.”
She’s still standing there after ten seconds or so while I sit on the floor and cry. This is what’s wrong with me. I almost fucking killed someone. Again. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“I-I’m so sorry.” She sobs. “I-I told you I wasn’t ready for this! I told you I’d fuck things up, Xav. This was my biggest fucking fear!”
I can’t stop crying because she’s right. She told me this would happen, and it’s like I’m going crazy because I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be crying right now. She warned me that this would happen, and I told her that I didn’t care about the consequences, so why do I feel like my heart just got taken completely out of my body? Was I not good enough?
The depression is seeping into every ounce of my being. All of this fucking happened because I said I’d rather study than have sex. I should have known better than to turn her down though. She wanted sex, and I didn’t give it to her. She’s a sex addict. What the fuck was I thinking? I basically drove her into someone else’s arms.
But, does this mean that I shouldn’t be upset? She slept with someone else. She said she loved me.
“Xavier, please don’t think any of this is your fault.” She sinks to her knees beside me, reading my mind. “I-I was so stupid. I wasn’t thinking.”
She can tell me that all she wants, but my brain thinks differently. My brain is telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit that nobody will ever want. Hers is the same. That’s why we’re toxic and never should have gotten together in the first place.
“You just need to go.” I stand up from the floor, the anger and sadness continuing to course through my veins. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
“Xavier.” She pleads. “W-what are you even saying? We need to talk about this! I can’t fucking lose you.”
“Well then you should have thought about that before going to fuck the first dick you could hop on!” I shout back. “I know you warned me, I know you did, but that doesn’t make it okay! You told me you loved me. Doesn’t that fucking mean something?”
“It does!” She cries harder, throwing her arms up into the air. “It does, Xavier. That day we said it to each other meant everything to me.”
“Then why did you do it?! To hurt me? We just had an argument, Elena! That doesn’t mean you go and have sex with someone. Why wouldn’t you text me to tell me you were in a bad place? I would have fucking understood! I would have given you what you needed!”
Cameron groans again on the floor, and I almost forgot what I had done to him. Fuck. I’m not in the right state of mind to handle this.
“W-We need to take him to a hospital.” She says. “He doesn’t look good.”
“Seriously?” I put my hands up in defeat and let out a laugh. “Go take him to a hospital, Elena. You go ahead and take care of him if that’s what you want to do. I’m fucking over this. Enjoy him.”
“Xavier, I don’t want him!” She screams, but it’s too late because I’m already heading upstairs.
I get into my bedroom and close the door, the weight of a ton of bricks landing onto my chest.
Here I thought I’d be able to find happiness. Here I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be a lonely, bitter asshole forever. The joke’s on me.
I head into the bathroom and immediately find the razor, glancing up in the mirror to look at myself. There’s blood smeared on my nose from Cameron’s punch, my eyes are red and swollen from crying and my hair is going in a bunch of different directions. I look like a failure. I look like someone that’s a fucking train wreck. Nobody will ever be able to handle me.
Don’t hurt yourself. Elena’s voice echoes into my head. Because if you do then it’ll hurt me too.
Who gives a fuck who I hurt anymore? Who cares? She didn’t give a fuck when she slept with Cam. She didn’t care about hurting me then, right?
I press the razor into my skin, feeling the sensational burn that always makes me feel better. The feeling is temporary, but it helps eventually.
The pain is too overwhelming though. It doesn’t even help. I press it harder to draw more blood, and even then nothing helps. Why isn’t it fucking working?
“What the fuck?" I hear Dion’s voice echo from downstairs. “What the fuck happened? Cam, can you hear me?”
“I don’t know what to do.” Elena sobs. “I-I can’t lift him by myself and Xavier doesn’t want to help.”
I press the razor in more and finally, just a sliver of relaxation enters into my body. The blood is pouring down my arm, and eventually I sink down into the floor and let the calmness take over. I promised Dion I’d never do this again to him. I promised my parents, I promised Elena, but I’m never going to get better. I’m never going to be happy. Happiness is only temporary.
“What happened?” Dion asks. “Where is he?”
“I slept with Cam.” She sobs. “I shouldn’t have done it. I was so stupid. I’m the cause of all of this.”
“Where the fuck is Xavier?” Dion shouts. I can hear the anxiety in his voice. I can hear the fear.
“He’s upstairs. He left after-”
“How long has he been upstairs for, Elena? Why the fuck haven’t you checked on him?”
“He was mad at me!” She sobs. I hear him race up the steps. “I didn’t think he’d want to-” she stops, a gasp escaping her mouth once she realizes why Dion is freaking out. “Oh my god, no!”
I would lock the door right now, but I can’t find it in me to move. I want to just lay here and feel nothing just like I am. I love this sense of peace that I feel. I felt it last time, too.
The door bursts open and Dion lays eyes on me, followed by Elena.
“Fuck, I’m going to call 911.” Dion pulls out his phone and paces back and forth in my room while Elena sinks to her knees beside me.
“Oh my god.” She’s practically convulsing from her sobs when she looks at me, fumbling with the towel on the rack so she can press it against my wrist. “This isn’t the way, baby. This wasn’t the way to handle this. Fuck!”
Just like last time, I start to regret ever doing this. I see the pain on their faces. I was just so mad at her. I’m so hurt.
“Xavier.” She tilts my chin up to look at her. “Stop closing your eyes. Look at me.”
My eyes meet hers and she can tell how broken I am. I know she can. This is why she didn’t want to date me, and now I’m starting to understand. I’m too damaged and she’s too fragile.
“I need you here.” She presses harder onto my skin, her eyes never leaving mine. “Do you hear me? Do not leave me. Do not.”
I nod and fight to keep my eyes open. I don’t want to think about what will happen with Cameron, I don’t want to think about what will happen with Elena, all I want to do is close my fucking eyes. It’s funny though that even when I’m bleeding out I still would do anything for her even when she’s the one that fucking broke me. If she needs me to keep my eyes open that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
The ambulance sirens echo in the distance, and it seems as if she gets a huge sense of relief.
“They’re coming.” She says. “You hear them? You’re going to get better. They’re going to make you better. Just hold on for me, okay?”
I nod and begin to feel weaker every second that passes by. I don’t want to go to rehab again. I don’t want to go through all of that bullshit again. I don’t want to keep fighting, but damn it, she needs me.
“Just hold on, Xavier.” She repeats. “Hold on for me...”
Well... that's the end of the story!
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