Letting Go

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Chapter 30


Kate POV:

I fold my legs close to my chest with my hands resting on my knees as the waterfalls on me washing the blood and dirt away.

I love the rain, ocean, the rivers because unlike the people who should have loved me better, the water was never afraid to touch me, even when I was at my most damage and broken.

I reach out to Tiara but she keeps blocking me out, blocking her pain and disappointment from me.

We have mastered the art of blocking emotions than to feel it because it is easier to act it never there than feeling it there.

I stand up from the tub as water drip on the tile as I make my way into the walk-in closet, I put on a black T-shirt and black jeans before walking back into the room to find Lillian and Becca coming in"Kate can we talk to you ?" Lillian asks as she and Becca walk in.

"No, I really don't need your sympathy so you can leave now, " I say Coldly turning my back towards them, I know the way I spoke was rude but I just need privacy and not sympathy or empathy from anyone.

I hear the door close as they left before walking lazily towards my bad laying on it with a loud sigh.

I really want to scream, I want to burst in tears, I want to get drunk and kill myself ...... But all I can do is stare at the wall in silence.

Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fell asleep before you fell apart. But yet that heavy feeling in my chest when I don't feel any desire to speak or move hurts me.

All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting.

I attempt my best to make my days fulfilling, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

That's the worst part... the bad days, the days when I can't hide it behind a smile and I feel like running away from it all, the days when I ask for help and I feel like a burden ... those are the days I'm running on empty.

I guess I am just tired.

Tried of holding all in here while it keeps killing me.

Tried of not caring when I care so much of want they say to my face.

Tried of being bitched about by those who know nothing or what I go through and what I feel.

Tired of being ignored when all I need is someone to tell me it will all go away.

Tried of feeling unloved by those meant to love me.

Tired of pretending to be happy, that everything is okay when everything is falling apart and I am felling with no one to hold me.

When all I want to do is cry.

It like I am ungrateful to Ma for her care, but it only little she can do, I still feel empty something is missing and pulling me into despair, I am not yet complete.

The door opened to reveal Lawrence, I got up from the bed immediately walking towards him "get out now" I yell frustrated because he has no right to act like he cares when he doesn't or maybe he is here to punish me for beating up his pack member.

"so let ignore each other, try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down, we know it wasn't supposed to end like this," He says walking towards me stopping in front of me while staring into my soul.

I break eye contact with him looking everywhere but him" how is it supposed to end, tell me because I don't know, or is it suppose to end after you break me leaving me with nothing, not even the broken pieces " I say tiredly of this while fighting the tears in.

"you know nothing of about betrayal or pain so do not tell me about you feeling heartbroken" he yelled angrily his eyes flashing red.

I gain courage looking at his anger evident in my eyes has my claws came out "what would I know about pain and being stabbed in the back by the ones you loved and wish you can be love back" I take a deep breath claiming my nerves.

"let me tell you what I know. I know that I have lost a thousand battles to nightly demons, experience a hundred heartbreaks, and faced constant disappointment, I have fallen more times than I care to remember and had to build walls to avoid people stepping on me, I was left to fend for myself, I learned that all of life is just to learn how to act strong, like a phoenix, I have raised from ashes. Pain has made me the person I am today and you know nothing about me" I yelled frustrated.

His eyes softened looking at me in shock and understanding " you are different ......" he says softly.

"I'm sorry if I seem different to you If it feels like I'm not the same person anymore but the truth is I'm not living with pain changes you," I say closing my eyes taking a dip breath to block my emotions from showing.

"it's not the future that scares you but repeating the past that makes you anxious," he says stroking my cheek lovingly.

I push his hand away " It hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or what you want or need, and it hurts that I can't be what I want, what I need. Because I'm not enough, I won't ever be enough, and I will never even be close to enough, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so damn bad" I say tears glistening in my eyes felling freely.

I raised my hands to wrap it off before I could he hold my hands stopping me "cry as hard as you can and want to, but make sure when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason " He says softly with understanding.

I hug him tightly crying all the tears bottled up, I cried for the first time breaking my promise of never crying, I let him see my most vulnerable state.

"I'm tired of fighting, for once, I want to fight for, " I say still hugging him.

"you need to rest now, I will be the one to fight your demons, to set you free, break down the wall you built, pick and fix your broken heart, and to complete you," he says with so much sincerity making a promise to me.

I release him from the hug, my mind refuses to believe even When my heart wants me to believe is words.

I wipe away my tears "I'll be okay, just not today so please leave me alone"

"Your heart will fix itself.

it's your mind, you need to worry about, your mind where you locked the memories, your mind where you have kept pieces of the ones that hurt you, that still cut through you like shards of glass.

Your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, destroy you over and over again.

You need to convince your mind that it has to let go ... because your heart already knows how to heal" he says giving me a kiss on my forehead before leaving.

I stand shocked, he read me like a book, like he knows my thought and fears, as he saw through my thickest walls.

I crush to the floor picking little emotions in me, picking what is worth.


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