It’s been two months since Elijah has gone missing, without hearing his voice, without feeling his touch. It’s like everything isn’t real, but I find myself wanting to slowly disappear from this pain that I’m in. I’ve grown tired of crying to sleep every night, to wake up in cold sweat from the horrible nightmares that I’ve constantly been having. I don’t know how much more I can handle these negative emotions that were eating away at me, these thoughts running through my mind... so many questions that needed to be answered. Eli, where did you go?
As I sat there on my bed, I began to overthink everything that I’ve said that might’ve made Elijah leave. It sounds almost ridiculous to think that I was the reason for his disappearance, however, I can’t help but think it’s my fault...
“What if...he never loved me?”
I quietly said before looking at my ring I still wore, the image of the beautiful lights could be seen glowing so brightly. The luminous colors were making me want to cry again, this ring was the only thing left from him. It was the only source of comfort that I had...but even so, I still feel like I’m breaking.
“No...no...he did love me...he told me that he did. But then why? Why did he leave me,” I whispered in depressing a sigh?
I didn’t want to think of the worst-case scenario, that something horrible had happened to him! I refuse to look at the news or even listen to the radio nowadays, my mind isn’t cable of handling any bad news at the moment. My body suddenly jolted at the sounds of someone knocking at my door! Thinking it was my mother, I slowly took the little energy I had to get up from my bed and making my way to the door. Opening the door slightly, I was taken off guard and surprised to see their familiar faces that I haven’t seen in a while! They both held a worried look in their eyes, yet held a bitter-sweet smile...
“What are you guys doing here? I told my parents I didn’t want to talk or see anybody right now...” I voiced out at Ren and Alexa in a tired-like expression before heading back to bed.
“Seriously! Is that how your gonna be!? I haven’t seen you in weeks, you haven’t been taking any of my calls or texts! Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?! You’ve completely stopped going to school and your mother has even told me that you’re not even eating as much anymore!”
Alexa spoke out her feelings in worry as she pulled the sheets away from me! She was clearly angry and concerned for my well-being, but I don’t care. I don’t want to talk with anybody, I just want to be left alone! Averting my gaze from her, I looked back at Ren who was just standing there in silence.
“Can you guys just leave...I wanna be alone right now.” I said to both of them as I tugged the sheets back from Alexa’s grip.
“How can we leave you alone! Luna, look at yourself! You’ve lost so much weight and it’s not healthy for you to be locked up in your room every day. You need to come back to school already, believe it or not, a lot of your classmates miss you. As well as our teachers, so, please... Luna, come back to school. You don’t need to talk with anybody, we just want you to get out of this depression that you’re in. I just want you to come back...I want my best friend back...I want the happy goofy Luna that I love to come back...I’m so worried and scared for you...so, please...”
Watching Alexa beg as she cried, I felt almost guilty that I was hurting the people I love. I’m becoming so selfish, even my mother had to take a few days out of work to watch over me. I hate this pain that I’m in, this heart of mine that’s completely damaged...
“Alexa, I’m sorry...but I can’t... I’m not ready to go back to school. I just want to be left alone still, so please....can you just leave?”
I said in an unsettling tone, my vision was starting to become hazy as I watched her look at me with a hurtful expression. Her eyes were filled with heavy tears as she quickly left my room without saying goodbye. It only made me feel more horrible...this is why I didn’t want to see anybody! How can I face my friends without hurting them, I’m not in the right state of mind to be around people at the moment! I needed to be left alone, I can’t deal with other people’s emotions when I can hardly handle my own!
Looking down at my bedsheets, I noticed that I was gripping the sheets so very tightly that I was even shaking. Seeing the clear teardrop land on my trembling fist, I was starting to lose it. I was beginning to breathe heavily and I could feel my body starting to shake with fear-
My anxiety began to die down the very instant his arms were felt wrapping around me! Hearing him speak made me feel a bit at ease. Their embrace felt warm and comforting that my body instantly relaxed in his arms, It felt soothing that I was able to catch up on my breath...
“Luna, I told you before. That I will always be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on...for as long as you need me. So don’t push me away...let me be the one that you can rely on at least.”
Hearing Ren speak, he pulled me in closer to him shortly afterward. My body felt so weak and too fragile to push him away, and If I’m being honest with myself...I didn’t want Ren to stop hugging me. I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel important to someone...I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts! So I slowly wrapped my arms around his back while gripping his shirt so very lightly. I need to let out my emotions, but I don’t want anyone seeing me. Though my heart skipped a heavy beat the moment I saw Ren grabbing my bedsheets! He had thrown it over both our bodies as he continued to embrace me...
“Ren what are you doing!?” I asked him as we both were soon covered by the thin fabric.
“You don’t like having people look at you when you cry...don’t hold in your tears, Luna,” He said while placing his hand behind my head.
Surprised by his actions, I couldn’t stop myself from crying on to his shoulder! This frustration that I was in was making me sob uncontrollably. My memories soon started to playback on everything that has happened. How Eli’s mom went to the police station on the same day she told me Eli was adopted. How there are missing posters of him all over the towns, I haven’t been able to go to school these last several weeks. I can’t deal with my anxiety...not without Elijah, but I shouldn’t miss him! He’s the reason why I’m breaking down, he took my virginity... and lied to me. He said that will always be together...
The hurtful frustration was making me angry and yet sad at the same time that I didn’t realize how strongly I was gripping Ren’s shirt! Raising my head, I couldn’t see his face that clearly since we were both under the covers. But I could feel his breath passing right by my neck, I knew he was looking right at me. But I hope he couldn’t see my eyes that were filled with tears of hatred and worriedness...
“Luna...tell me what you’re feeling, please. It hurts hearing you be this way, I wish I could just take it all away...”
He said with so much care as I felt him place his hands on each side of my face. Gently wiping my tears away, I felt him lean in closer. The light peck of his kiss was felt on my forehead as he shortly snuggled his forehead against mine shortly after, strange, the old me would’ve rejected his kind gesture and would’ve ignored him. But right now, I’m feeling so vulnerable that I willing to take any kind of comfort...
I softly spoke out as I latched myself closer to Ren, though he didn’t say anything as he let me speak out my suffering!
“Why is he gone!? Why did he leave...where is he!?”
I yelled out in anger as I did my best to hold back my tears from falling again!
“I don’t know, Luna....”
Ren replied in sympathy as he did his best to calm me.
“I would like to think that he’s missing...or that he’s in danger! I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but I can’t fathom the thought of him leaving because of me! That it’s probably my fault that he’s gone, I don’t want to believe that he never loved me...that he just used me for the hell of it! That everything was just a lie!”
Screaming out my fears, I began to tug on Ren’s shirt so violently!
“Luna! Look at me, don’t ever think that it was your fault...don’t you ever think that him leaving was because of you! You’re the kindest and most generous person I’ve ever met, so don’t you ever think poorly of yourself. Elijah, I don’t know if he’s really missing or if that son of a bitch really just left. But what I do know, is that you never have to worry about me leaving your side. Because I’ll always be there for you Luna, I just want you to rely on me more. Especially right now...I don’t want you hurting yourself over some guy! It’s not worth it...”
He said in a stern response before closing the gap between us.
“I don’t know...if I’m strong enough to do it. Eli has always been by my side since I was a kid, he was the one person who I can always rely on when I was troubled. He was the one that showed me how beautiful it was to love someone. And now that he’s gone...it’s like something is missing in me. I feel so incomplete, so empty inside here...” I explained as I gripped onto my chest so painfully!
Quickly, Ren’s actions led to forcibly push us down on my bed as he pulled the sheets off of us! Grabbing my hand, he placed it against his chest! Just what is he doing-
“Do you feel that? You’re still alive...your heart keeps beating because it still wants to love and be loved. You don’t need him to help you breathe Luna, you could breathe without him...you can still be happy.”
He responded with so much passion in his voice as he hovered his body over mine! The intense stare in his eyes was sympathetic, does he feel sorry for me? Do I look that pitiful...silence soon fell into the room. And all that could be heard was my clock ticking away, averting my eyes from his stare, I looked outside my window and noticed how late it was getting...
“Ren, please get off me...and go home,” I said to him, trying to sound calm.
Though in all truth, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But I was also feeling a bit shy and embarrassed, I let Ren be this touchy feeling with me. It almost feels like I’m cheating on Eli...but I don’t think that should matter anymore. I soon felt Ren releasing his hold on my arm as he stood himself back up.
“I’ll get going then...but before I do. Promise me, Luna, promise me that you’ll come back to school and that you’ll try and move on from him.”
He asked in a serious tone before walking toward the doorway. But all I could do was look away as I crossed my arms across my chest. Giving out a sniffle, I sighed...
“Okay, I’ll try and come back to school...but I don’t know...if I could ever forget about him.”
I answered honestly as I decided to make eye contact with Ren before he left...
“Alright, that’s good enough for me...just, please call me if you need anything, goodnight...Luna.”
As I waved him goodbye, I watched him take his leave. Only to see my mother enter my room shortly afterward.
“Are you okay sweetie?”
She asked while passing me a cup of tea.
“Mom, why did you invite them inside? I told you I didn’t want to talk with anybody...”
I asked in a tired sigh before taking a sip of my drink.
“I’m sorry, but your father and I have been so worried sick about you. You’re not eating as much anymore and you’re losing sleep. I know it’s been hard with Elijah being gone, but you have to surround yourself with people who care about you. Luna, I’m sure he’s okay...maybe he had his reasons for leaving. Just give it some time...”
Mother explained as she tucked a start of hair behind my ear, she then started to make her way out of my room. But I took a second to really think, that the only person that can really help me, is myself. I have to be strong, I know it won’t be easy. But with my family and friends by my side, things should be okay, right? I can’t live my life worrying about others, I also can’t close myself away from this world...regardless of how hurt I am. I have to keep going forward with my life...
Quickly calling her, I stopped her from leaving!
“Yes? What is it, Luna?”
She questions in a curious concern, but as she heard me speak...it moved her to tears. And made me realize, how much worry and stress I laid on my mother!
“I think tomorrow...I’ll start school again,” I said with a weak smile on my face.