Chapter 27: Hurtful Farewell
It’s been two months since Elijah has gone missing, two months without hearing his voice. Without feeling his touch, I feel like everything isn’t real.
I could feel myself slowly wanting to disappear from this pain that I was in. I’ve had grown tired of going to bed crying, of having to wake up in cold sweat from the horrible nightmares that I’ve constantly been having. I don’t know how much more I can handle these negative emotions that were eating me alive.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind, so many questions needed to be answered.As I sat there on my bed, I began thinking back to everything that I’ve said that might of made Elijah leave. I know it’s ridiculous to think that I was the reason for his disappearance, however, I couldn’t help but think it was my fault.
“What if....he never did love me?”
As I said those words, I looked right at the ring that I was still wearing. I could see the beautiful lights inside it glowing so brightly, the luminous colors were making me want to cry again.
This ring was the only thing left from him, it was the only source of comfort that I had from him.
“No...no...he did love me...he told me he did...but...why..why did he leave me,” I said whispering to myself, there had to be a reason why he left. I didn’t want to think about the worst-case scenario that might’ve happened to him, so I refused to look at the news or even listen to the radio.
My body then jolted with surprise when I heard someone knocking at my door. Thinking it was my mother, I slowly took the little energy I had to get up from my bed and made my way to the door.
Opening the door slightly, I was expecting to see my mother. However I was caught off guard when I saw two familiar faces looking at me, they both had a worried look on their faces, yet held a bittersweet smile.
“What are you guys doing here? I told my parents I didn’t want to talk or see anybody.” I said to both of them as I turned myself around making my way back to my bed.
“Seriously, I haven’t seen you in weeks. You haven’t been taking any of my calls or texts! Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?! You completely stopped going to school and your mother has even told me that you’re not even eating as much anymore!” Alexa said loudly as she pulled the sheets away from me, she was clearly angry and worried for my well being obvious. Though I didn’t care, I didn’t want to talk with anybody. I just wanted to be left alone!
So I averted my eyes from her and looked at Ren who was just standing there not saying a word.
“Can you guys just leave...I wanna be left alone.” I said to both of them as I tugged the sheets back from Alexa’s grip.
“How can we leave you alone! Luna, look at yourself. You’ve lost so much weight and it’s not healthy for you to be locked up in your room every day. You have to come back to school already, believe it or not, a lot of our classmates miss you. As well as our teachers, so please Luna, please come back to school. You don’t need to talk with anybody, we just want you to get out of this depression that you’re in. I just want you to come back...I want my best friend back...I want the happy goofy Luna that I love back.....I’m so worried and scared for you...so please...” Alexa began to explain with tears in her eyes. I felt so guilty, I knew I was hurting the people I love.
My mother even took a few days out of work to watch over me. I know I was being selfish, but I was in total pain. My heart was still broken, and I think it will always be broken until I see Eli again.
“Alexa, I’m sorry...but I just can’t... I’m not ready to go back to school. I just want to be left alone still, so please....can you just leave?” I said to her with a broken voice, my vision was starting to become blurry as I watched her look at me with a hurtful expression. Her eyes were filled with heavy tears as she quickly left my room without saying goodbye.
I felt even more horrible, this is why I didn’t want to see anybody! How can I face my friends without hurting them, I’m not in the right state of mind to be around people right now. I needed to be left alone still, I can’t deal with other people’s emotions when I can hardly handle my own.
Looking down at my bedsheets, I noticed that I was gripping the sheets so very tightly that I was even shaking. I then saw a clear teardrop land on my trembling fist, I was starting to lose it. I was beginning to breathe heavily and I could feel my body starting to shake with fear.
Then suddenly, without warning, I felt someone’s arms wrapping around my body, this person smelled like fresh mint almost. Their embrace felt warm and comforting that my body instantly relaxed in their arms. It felt so soothing that it felt like I could finally breathe calmly again, that I can finally relax for a little bit.
“Luna, I told you before. That I will always be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on. That I will always be there for you as long as you need me. So please Luna, don’t push me away....let me be the one person that you can rely on at least.” Ren said clearly next to my ear, he then pulled me in closer to his hug as he began to pat my head lightly.
My body felt so weak and too fragile to push him away, and If I was being honest with myself. I didn’t want Ren to stop hugging me, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel important to someone. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so I slowly wrapped my arms around his back and gripped his shirt so very lightly. I just wanted to let out my emotions and just snuggle up in my bed. An at that very second it was as if he knew what I was thinking because he then grabbed my bedsheets and threw it over both our bodies as he continued to embrace me.
“Ren what are you doing!?” I said surprisingly.
“I know you don’t like having people look at you when you cry, so don’t hold in your tears Luna,” Ren said whispering loud enough for me to hear, I was a bit surprised by his actions. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from crying so much on his shoulder, this frustration that I was in was making me sob uncontrollably.
I then began to overthink everything that has happened. How Eli’s mom went to the police station on the same day she told me Eli was adopted. How there are missing posters of him all over the towns, how I haven’t been able to go to school for the past two months. How I couldn’t deal with my anxiety without Elijah, how I couldn’t handle seeing people without having a breakdown. How Eli left me when he took my virginity, and how he lied to me when he said we will always be together.
The hurtful frustration was making me angry and yet sad at the same time that I didn’t realize how strongly I was gripping Ren’s shirt that was in front of me. Raising my head slowly I couldn’t see his face that clearly since we were both under the covers. But I could feel his breath passing right by my neck, I knew he was looking right at me, but I hope he couldn’t see my eyes that were filled with tears of hatred and worriedness.
“Luna...tell me what you’re feeling, please. It hurts seeing you in so much pain, that I can’t bear it. I just wish I could just take it all away, so, please...Luna. Let me comfort you....” Ren said so tenderly as he placed his hands on each side of my face, he then gently wiped the tears under both my eyes as I felt him lean in closer to me.
He then placed a light kiss on my forehead and then snuggled his forehead against mine. The old me would’ve rejected his kind gesture and ignore him, but right now I’m feeling so vulnerable that I would take any kind of comfort.
“Why....” I said lowly to myself.
“What?” Ren responded confused.
“WHY IS HE GONE! WHY DID HE JUST LEAVE!” I yelled out my own thoughts.
“I don’t know Luna....” Ren replied in sympathy.
“I would like to think that he’s missing instead....or that he was in danger. I know that it’s horrible to say that, but I can’t fathom or even think that he left because of me! That it’s probably my fault that he left. I don’t want to believe that he never loved me....I...I DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE JUST USED ME, AND THAT EVERYTHING WAS JUST A LIE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!” I finally screamed out my frustrations towards Ren as I began to tug on his shirt so violently.
“Luna! Look at me, don’t ever think that it was your fault, don’t you ever think that him leaving was because of you! You’re the kindest and most generous person I’ve ever met, so don’t you ever think poorly of yourself. As for Eli...I don’t know if he’s really missing or if that f*cker really just left. But what I do know is that you never have to worry about me leaving your side. Because I’ll always be there for you Luna, I just want you to rely on me more. Especially right now, I don’t want you hurting yourself over some guy!” Ren strictly said towards me as he closed the gap between us.
“I don’t know....if I’m strong enough to do it. Eli has always been by my side since I was a child, he was the one person who I can always rely on when I was troubled....he was the one that showed me how beautiful it was to love someone. And now that he’s gone....it’s like something is missing in me. I feel so incomplete, so empty inside without him!!” I continued to explain, feeling completely breathless with heavy emotion.
Ren then forcibly pushed us down on my bed and pulled the sheets off of us, he then grabbed my hand and placed it on my chest where my heart was at.
“Do you feel that you’re alive because it’s you. Your heart keeps beating because it still wants to love and be loved, you don’t need him to help you breathe Luna, you could breathe without him.” Ren voiced out with so much passion as he hovered his body over me, he then began to look at me so intently with gentleness in his eyes. It was as if he was looking down at a broken doll who was thrown away almost.
We then looked at each other so intensely with silence in the room, all that can be heard was my butterfly clock that was hanging up against the wall that was ticking away. I then averted my eyes from his and looked outside my window, and noticed how late it was getting.
“Ren, please get off me...An go home already.” I said trying to sound calm. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but I’m still a bit shy and embarrassed that I’m letting Ren be this touchy with me. I almost feel like I’m cheating on Eli....but I don’t think he cares about me anymore. I then mentally shook that thought out of my head and tried to sit upright. Ren then released his hold on my arm and stood himself up.
“I’ll get going then....but before I do. Promise me, Luna, promise me that you’ll come back to school and that you’ll try and move on from him.” Ren said with a serious tone.
Still avoiding his stare, I crossed my arms and sniffled a bit as I tried to give him an answer.
“I...I promise that I’ll try and come back to school...but I don’t know..if I could ever do that last one.” I answered him honestly as I looked down at my cold feet.
“Okay...goodnight Luna, please call me if you need anything... Goodbye.” I then watched him turn his back as he began to walk out of my room, An just as he left. My mother soon came in afterward.
“Are you okay sweetie?” She asked as she gave me a cup of tea.
“Why did you invite them inside? I told you I didn’t want to talk with anybody....” I said to her as I looked at my drink.
“I know you did, but your father and I have been so worried sick about you. You’re not eating as much anymore and you’re losing sleep. I know it’s been hard with Elijah gone, but you have to stay strong. I’m sure he’s okay, and maybe he had his reasons for leaving. Just give it some time honey....” My mother explained as she tucked my hair behind my ear. She then started to make her way out of my room.
I then began to deeply think about what I should do. The only person that can help me, is myself. I have to be strong, I know it’s not going to be easy, but with my family and friends I know it’s possible. I can’t live my life worrying about other people, I also can’t close myself away from this world...
“Mom!” I quickly said to her before she could leave.
“Yes? What is it, sweetie?” She said turning herself around giving me a curious look.
“I think tomorrow...I’ll start school again,” I said to her as I tightly held my mug of tea.