A few hours have passed but Miles has not said a single word or shared how is he actually feeling since we have returned home. He is behaving as if nothing has happened like he is all fine.
But, I know it better.
He is just keeping everything inside him, however, I pray when the dam of his patience breaks it doesn’t break him.
I want to talk to him, but I know it is not the right time as he will not open up now. He needs some time with himself because a lot of things must be going in his mind right now which he is trying to figure out.
Miles is a sensitive person, he takes things to his heart very easily. Nevertheless, he is quick to forgive also.
But the hurt he felt from his father’s abandonment is really big, that is why he will need some time to get over with it and truly forgive him.
I even feel bad for his Joseph, I can see he loves Miles and really wanted to amend their relation. But sometimes the weight of our wrong decision drowns us in a never-ending spiral of grief and remorse.
Only time will decide the fate of their relation.
My heart feels a little relieved when I see a genuine smile on Miles’s face when Ryan walks to him and tries to climb up in his lap.
Miles patiently waits for him to climb up on his own even though from his face it is clear that he just wants to pick Ryan up.
Finally, after numerous attempts and Miles’s constant encouragement Ryan is sitting in Miles’s lap all on his own. I love my child even more for bringing this beautiful and proud smile on his dad’s face.
I decide to finish up some laundry giving father and son some space.
The number of clothes this small dude ruin is unbelievable. Almost every day, I do his laundry otherwise the piles of his dirty clothes will reach up to the roof. And I am not even joking.
Sometimes, the idea of wrapping a plastic sheet around him, so that his clothes remain clean, sounds really appealing to me.
It takes around two hours to do the laundry along with tidying up his nursery.
When I walk to the living room, I find Miles hugging sleeping Ryan while pacing the room looking completely absorbed in his thoughts.
“Hey, want me to put him to bed?” I gently whisper while placing a hand on Miles’s arm.
He blinks then frowns looking a bit startled like I have appeared out of thin air.
“No, I got it.” He shakes his head and kisses Ryan’s head, “Umm... you have dinner alone as I am not hungry so I will just get to bed after putting him down.” He gives a small forced smile, trying to sound normal.
Before I can turn, he grips my elbow and stops me.
“Natalie.” He sighs quietly, “I love you.” He cups my face with his hand.
“I love you, too, and will always love you.” I place my hand on his and give a squeeze while smiling at him.
We are not a couple who say I love you to each other all the time. In fact, we rarely tell each other as I think it is obvious and we both know how we feel for each other.
On the other hand, Nathan and Abigail are completely our opposite, especially in this way. They never shy away from showing each other their love through their actions or words.
But sometimes letting a person know that they are loved is important. We need to be vocal about our feelings to give assurance to that person that they mean a lot to us.
And today Miles needs that assurance because he has shut out an important person from his life and it is hurting him.
We might not often hold our hands in public, but we both know to hold each other when one of us is falling.
When I get to bed, Miles is pretending to be asleep. He is not avoiding me, however, he is avoiding his real feelings. That is why he is behaving like this.
Silently, I lie beside him then placing my head on his chest I wrap an arm around him. After a moment, he turns to his side and pulls me to him.
I don’t remember when I fall asleep, but when I wake up I don’t find Miles beside me. Checking the time, I frown as it is just four in the morning. Sitting up, I tie my hair on the top of my head in a bun and check the baby monitor to see whether Miles is with Ryan, as whenever he cries at night usually Miles goes to check on him.
But Ryan is sleeping peacefully and there is no sign of Miles.
Walking out of the room, I first go to the basement in the hope to find Miles, but he is not there.
When I walk back upstairs, I find the light of his study room is on and the door is slightly ajar.
Peeking inside through the open door, I find Miles sitting on the floor leaning against the wall with his head in hands. His body is shaking with silent sobs.
My heart breaks to see him like this, but I knew this was coming, he was holding in it for so long.
When I go inside and sits beside him, he turns to me while tears running down his face.
“He said that when he held me for the first time, he felt that he was holding his world.” He swallows, “Then why he was not there to hold me when I felt my world had ended?” He breaks down into more tears.
“Why?” He cries while my eyes brim with tears seeing him breaking down in front of me.
“I wanted him when mom died...” He hits his fist on the ground, as he cries, “He was my father, he should have been there with me when I had no one.”
“It hurts... it fucking hurts so much.” He clenches the front of his shirt, “To think that I was forced to live a life like an orphan when he is alive.”
“How can he just come back in my life now and say he wants me back?” He takes a ragged breath, and glances at me with anguish filled eyes, “He never tried to come and meet his only son all these years and now he thinks suddenly everything will be fine.”
“I don’t know what would have happened with us... with me if grandpa had not taken me and mom in his care.” He clenches his jaws, “Maybe mom would have died long before she had and I would have been living like some stray.”
He breathes through his nose and slowly exhales shaking his head.
“If it weren’t for Richard I would have never experienced to know what it feels to have a caring father in your life. He is more than a father to me than my own.” He turns his head to his side and wipes his tears with his shoulder, “He loved me and helped me, sometimes he even overlooked Nathan but he was always there for me.”
“Why? Dad, why?” Suddenly, closing his eyes, he hits the back of his head on the wall and cries, “Why did you never think about me?”
A whimper leaves my lips while I cry with him... for him. It is tearing my heart into pieces to watch him so broken.
"Miles." I pull him into a hug, holding him as tight as I can.
"I wanted to hug him so badly when I saw him today, but I can't forget how he left me and mom." He cries in my shoulder as I run my hand on his back, "But I still love him, Natalie, I still love him..." His tears seep through my shirt as his body wrecks with sobs.
Taking a deep breath I attempt to be strong for him as holding him in my arms I allow him to cry for himself. He needs to let go of this pain, otherwise, I will lose my Miles.
"I love you... Miles, I love you." I whisper to him numerous times as he shares his pain with me.