When I return home, Georgia treated me with a homemade pizza and also gifted me a pearl pendant similar to hers which I really like.
After Georgia left for her home, I can’t stop the tears which I was attempting to hold for so long.
Normally, I don’t cry for small things then I don’t know why I am feeling so upset about something trivial like this.
Because this is not something small.
I was so looking forward to celebrate my this birthday with Nathan and Noel as a family. This is my first birthday with Noel, and this was important for me.
And Nathan is not here with me on my birthday, but he even hasn’t wished me yet.
When last night he hadn’t called me, I thought he is pretending to forget my birthday and would surprise me by coming home today. But as the day went by I figured out he is not pretending he actually forgot my birthday.
Everyone has wished me, except the person with whom I wanted to be.
Sitting in Noel’s nursery I watch him playing with his toys, taking a deep breath I wipe my tears with my wrist.
At least I have my Noel with me.
Then suddenly, I again start crying but this time these tears are of happiness as I can’t believe my eyes.
“Noel...” I laugh and cry at the same time, “You are crawling, Lil guy.”
Clapping my hands I encourage Noel to come to me as after crawling once he sits in the middle of the room and starts smiling.
Then again he crawls towards me and I can’t stop myself to pick him up even before he can reach me. Hugging him, I start crying because he gave me the best gift I can ever ask for on my birthday.
Pulling away, I pepper him with kisses especially I place kisses all over his face making him giggle loudly.
“You made mommy’s birthday so special, Noel.” I kiss his forehead then again I clutch him against my chest, “I love you... I love you so much, baby boy.”
But one thought dampens my mood as Nathan missed Noel’s first time crawling.
“Will you crawl again for dada?” I place Noel on his tummy in the middle of the room and wave his favorite plush toy car in front of him while recording him on my phone.
“Come here, Noel.” I smile at him, “I know you can do it, buddy.”
He keeps looking at me, then turns his face down.
“Noel, please, crawl to me one more time.” I plead him in a baby voice.
I don’t know how long have passed when he decided he should crawl to me. Thankfully, this time I am ready with my phone to record him as he cutely crawls to me.
“I love you...” I smile at him as I lie on the floor on my stomach copying his position, “Yes, you, I love you.” I lightly flick his nose which causes him to squeal loudly.
Mommy and son talk for a very long time, but then he starts getting fuzzy.
“I can understand crawling is not easy but we don’t have to cry, right?” Cradling him in my arms I lightly rock him, “You can just say you want to sleep, then mom will put you down for your beauty sleep.” I coo at him watching his eyes getting droopy.
Lightly running my fingers on his forehead, I sit on the rocking chair and lightly rock it with my foot.
When he finally fell asleep, I keep holding him in my arms as I simply stare his face while different emotions engulfing my heart.
I love him so much that it hurts.
Sometimes I just want to keep him tightly against my chest, I feel like I will not be able to breathe if I let him go.
It doesn’t seem logical, but since when a mother’s love has logic.
His cries, his pain, or discomfort directly hit my heart like I have been the one who is suffering.
He is a piece of my heart who has been detached from my body and my heart seems at peace when he is safe in my arms.
Gently holding his hand between my finger and thumb I bring it near to my mouth and place light kisses on his fingers. My heart nearly explodes with love when he grips my thumb in a tight hold.
A tear slips from my eye but I quickly wipe it before it can fall on his face. Unknowingly, he has chased away the lonely feeling which was eating me from inside.
Carrying him in my arm, I walk into the kitchen to put away the leftover food in the fridge. A small sigh leaves my lips when my eyes land on the birthday cake which Natalie and Miles forced me to cut.
I cut a piece but then put it away, not feel like eating it. It is the first time, I don't want to eat cake on my birthday. Swallowing the hurt, I purse my lips because I know no matter how much I try to be happy, Nathan has hurt me.
This is not only my first birthday as a mom, but also my first birthday alone after our marriage.
Turning off all the lights, I walk to my bedroom. After putting Noel in the crib which is in our room, I slip under the covers and my heart sinks looking at the empty space of Nathan.
Turning to my side, I pick up my phone in the hope to get any message from him, but again I am disappointed.
Earlier it never bothered me much, when he used to be out for work. However, for the past few months, it is becoming frequent and even when he is home he is tied up with work that I really miss having him with me.
This year is really going to test my patience which is now running thin.
I never complain to him about this, just not trying to come off as clingy. But he needs to understand this, that I need his time. Moreover, now it is not just me, it is his son too who needs him to be around.
Sighing, I hold his pillow and close my eyes trying to fall asleep. But I know tonight it will be one of those nights which I will spend tossing and turning in my bed, with a little amount of sleep that too if I am lucky.