You learn the value of something after you have lost it. But what about losing something about which you didn’t even know had?
The doctor is saying something but it seems like my life has stopped a few moments ago. My mind refused to understand anything since those words have registered in my mind.
Whether I should laugh or cry at the bizarreness of my situation. I don’t know.
“It is okay, it happens.” The doctor pats my arm with a sympathetic smile and all I can do is look at her.
Is it really okay?
After saying something the doctor leaves me probably thinking it is no use to spend more time on me, as I am not really helping her with my silence.
I don’t remember much, coming here or what happened after that, as all I can recall is pain... a pain which I first felt physically but later it reached my heart nearly tearing it apart then completely making it impassible. Now there is nothing... a silence which is not peaceful.
The door to my temporary room opens revealing a frantic looking Nathan...
Frantic, yeah that is how I should feel, but instead, it seems like I have lost the ability to feel anything.
Nathan releases a visible sigh of relief when his eyes land on me.
“What happened?” He asks as he enters the room closing the door behind him.
“Abigail, what happened?” He again asks while holding my face gently in his hands, searching my eyes for the answer.
“Nothing.” A detached voice answers, which distantly seems like my own, “Nothing happened... I just lost my unborn child.”
For a while, even he seems lost at words while his eyes are mirroring his pain which he is trying to conceal.
“Are you okay?” His gentle tone falls on my ears making me want to question his sanity.
“I miscarried our child,” I repeat assuming he doesn’t understand what I have just said because otherwise, he shouldn’t be talking to me like this as I am not worthy of his concern because it is my fault.
I should have not let this happen.
“I know, baby.” He kisses my head and whispers against my skin, “Don’t think about it much, we will get through this, you are fine that is all that matters to me.” He leans back and gazes into my eyes.
Even now he is worried about me. I don’t deserve this.
Suddenly I feel like the walls around caving in on me, suffocating me. I just want to be away from here, being in this room is like a reminder of the loss which I have witnessed.
“I want to go home.” I look away from his questioning gaze, “Nathan, please, take me home.”
I just want to go home and sleep through this storm which is slowly shattering me from inside. As with each passing moment, I am losing a part of me which is leaving a hallowing feeling in its wake.
“Okay, I will take you home,” Nathan whispers assuringly as he wraps his arms around me.
“How far along were you?” I hear someone asking.
Four weeks... I couldn’t even keep my baby protected for four weeks. What kind of mother I am? I should have shielded my child from every harm.
“Please, talk to us, how are you feeling?” Mom places a hand on my shoulder.
How am I feeling? Strangely I am feeling nothing, because how can you define the feeling of emptiness?
“I am okay.” I nod my head.
“Talk to me, Abigail.” Mom insists, “I know you are feeling hurt.”
“I am okay,” I repeat the same words as if repeating these words out loud will wake me up from the nightmare which I am living.
“You lost your child it is okay to feel hurt...it is okay to grieve.” Mom holds my shoulders and turns me to face her, “Don’t shut your feelings, trying to escape from your pain. You can’t be that Abigail again who shuts herself.” She glares at me, as tears filling her eyes.
How can one escape from themselves? I can’t escape from the truth even if I want.
“You want me to cry?” I push her hands away from my shoulders, “To mourn the death of my unborn baby?” Standing up, I move away from her.
I don’t know, how to mourn for the part of my soul which is gone.
“But just answer me first, how can you feel the pain of losing something which never existed for you in the first place?” My voice comes out harsher even to my ears.
I didn’t even get a chance to be happy when my happiness is taken away from me.
“I am sorry if you think I am being rude, but all I just want is to be alone.” I look at everyone who is present in the room which is just a picture of the blur of faces as my mind is refusing to acknowledge anyone.
All I want is my baby back, to feel my baby growing inside me.
“I appreciate your concern and worry, but at this moment I just want to be with myself.” I take a deep breath.
Noel’s cry slightly thaws the numbness that has engulfed my heart, as suddenly the urge to have him in my arms floods my heart.
Nathan brings Noel from his nursery, and as soon as he sees me his tiny arms stretch in my direction.
Immediately, taking him in my arms I clutch him tightly against my chest, entirely covering his body so that I can keep him away from everything. The warmth of his small body fills the emptiness inside my chest, to some extent, as a part of my heart is back in it is place. However, my heart aches at the same time as a piece of my heart is gone which I can never get back.
Closing my eyes, I kiss his head as he snuggles more into my chest as if understanding how much his mother needs him to be close to her. He doesn’t know but he is the only thing which is keeping me from breaking down as he is giving me the strength which I need, also having him in my arms is making me realize what I have truly lost.
My baby, I have lost my baby!