The feeling of your loss hits you ten times more when you are surrounded by others who are having something that you have lost.
Sitting in this waiting area is nothing but a painful experience for me as I wait for my turn for my check-up which I have been trying to avoid. But I don't know how Nathan found out about my missed appointments and forced me to come for the follow-up.
So, now, we are sitting in the waiting area trying to hard not to be affected by the bright faces and happy smiles of others as they are excited for the new life to join them in their world.
Nathan is pretending not to be bothered by anything as he keeps his attention on the screen of his phone. However, his tight grip on my hand is revealing his feelings which are not different from mine.
"Nathan, you wait here, because there is no need for you to come with me inside." Not wanting him to endure the pain any more than already he is going through, I tried to stop him from coming with me when I am called inside for my check-up.
When the first time we went to see my doctor together I was carrying Noel and it was a surreal experience to see Noel for the first time in an ultrasound. But now everything will remind me of my sweet baby who I didn't get a chance to see, not even once.
I don't want Nathan to live this pain, he has already been so strong for me and this is the least I can do for him.
"Abigail, we will go inside together." He stands up and directly looks into my eyes, "Like every time we have gone inside that room." He squeezes my hand as he points at the time when we could never hide our excitement to go inside that room to see Noel.
"And we will walk outside that room with a smile on our face." He slowly nods his head as I swallow hard trying to force the invisible lump formed in my throat go down, "We both have each other, that's all it matters."
Even though I don't feel like smiling, but his words instinctually bring a small smile on my lips as I glance at my husband. I am sad, we both are, but I can't overlook his love for me. I will smile for him, I will smile for my baby boy who never fails to warm my heart with his hugs and kisses.
He is being strong for me, so I will be his strength.
Bringing me near, he presses his lips against my temple as we step inside the room to live the agonizing moments. However, there is a ray of happiness in my heart, knowing that we both are there for each other.
We will both help each other to get through this pain, and find our happiness again without the shadow of any grief.
"Everything fine, doctor?" Nathan looks at the doctor then at me, as she reads my reports after my examination.
I have some blood tests yesterday, whose reports have been delivered to her now. And the look on her face is making me anxious so I start to twiddle my fingers.
"I have asked you to come earlier for your check-up." She raises her eyes and gives me a stern motherly look, "Why didn't you show up for your appointments?"
"Can you just speak what's the matter?" Nathan gets slightly frustrated as he holds my hand replacing his fingers with mine.
"I need to get your ultrasounds done, then only I can give you an exact answer." She scribbles something on her notepad, unfazed by Nathan's glare.
Honestly, she is used to his glares by now so she doesn't even react. And the fact that she is Alice's friend erases any possibility that she will be bothered by the glare of a guy who had been delivered by her hands.
Lying on the bed waiting to get my ultrasound is more difficult than I have anticipated. Turning my face away, from the direction where the screen is, I glance at Nathan to find his eyes already fixed on my face.
The strain in his jaws is visible as he is attempting to look calm. Just like me, he is also blocking out his pain, because this is something which is testing our strength.
A small sigh escapes my lips when the familiar cold gel touches my skin. Everything feels cold and lifeless, everything... but the warmth in Nathan's eyes, which is helping me not to break down.
He brings our joined hands near his mouth and kisses them. A silent gesture which is speaking volumes.
We will get through this.
Closing my eyes, I repeat these words again and again like a prayer blocking out everything else while drifting into my happy place.
I force my heart to relive all the moments which brought immense happiness in my life, just to lessen the ache which is clawing my heart.
Suddenly Nathan's grip on my hand tightens considerably, forcing me to snap my eyes open.
The first thing which I see Nathan's eyes glued on the screen while his eyes filled with unshed tears. However, his face held the expression of disbelief and awe. Biting my lip, I stop myself from crying as I squeeze his hand back.
"Abigail." He glances at me as a tear roll downs his eye, then his eyes return back to the screen.
"Look here, Abigail." I hear the doctor's voice.
Taking a deep breath, I turn to face my doctor who is smiling at me.
She points at the screen and my eyes widen at the image before me while my heart feels like it is about to explode with all the emotions which are overwhelming me.
"It looks like you were carrying twins." She sadly smiles at me, "However, unfortunately, you miscarried one. But the good news is your other baby is perfectly fine."
"So, congratulation mom and dad." Her smile brightens as she glances between me and Nathan, "You are having a baby."
A whimper leaves my mouth, following by the stream of tears which now I am unable to hold back. This moment is bittersweet for me, as I am relieved-and God knows how relieved I am- to find my baby is fine. While a part of me is sad at the loss of my other baby.
Different emotions are flowing through me which I am not able to describe. I am so happy at the same time the mother in me is grieving too, but I will not dampen the happiness this child has brought.
This child deserves to be cherished, and I will cherish this baby with everything I have. Just like I will cherish every child of mine.
I look at Nathan, even he is having a mixed reaction. There are tears in his eyes that are of happiness and pain.
We both are celebrating this moment while accepting the loss of our other baby.