Last night was the first night in these past years when we have slept separately under one roof.
I didn't want to be near him, it is not because I don’t love him it is because I have chosen myself over him. Sometimes it is necessary to choose yourself in a relationship, when you love someone it doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in them.
True love is when you find yourself, and Nathan’s love helped me in finding myself. However, now I can never lose myself... not for anyone...even not for him.
He needs to understand that his anger is his problem because in anger he doesn’t realize that his words are tearing somebody’s heart.
I can understand, that when a person is angry they don’t think properly and they can say things which are hurtful. But why does he always says those things which hurt me the most?
He tried to talk to me many times, but I need some time. I don’t know how much time, especially last night I just needed to be with myself.
I am aware he was with me when I was sleeping. Because even in sleep I could feel his presence around me. I don’t know how long he stayed because I drift into a deep sleep feeling relaxed just by knowing that he is with me.
If I am not sure, but I felt like I heard him saying that he is afraid to lose me. However, he is not the only one who thinks like this, even I don’t lose him.
For me, nothing is important than him, he is my imperfectly perfect man.
However, sometimes, I do feel I am a lot more emotionally dependant on him, but then there is nothing wrong with relying on your partner for emotional support.
I love him as much as he loves me. And I know this time will also pass and we will sort this out. Because somewhere we both reacted the way we shouldn’t have, we both were wrong. However, I don’t think, right now, I am in a state of mind to deal with any of this.
I need some peace.
My eyes open when I feel small hands touching my face. Involuntarily, a smile comes on my lips when the first thing which I see is Noel’s scrunch up face.
It seems like he was about to cry but calmed down when he saw me awake.
“Hi, baby,” I whisper sleepily, my voice sounding slightly hoarse due to all the crying.
Obviously, Nathan has brought him back home and left him with me.
He is allowing me to have his morning cuddles with his Potato as a peace offering, that is why he has left him with me.
Noel starts blabbering and tries to climb on me. Picking him up, I lie him on my chest and rub his back. He is still sleepy because he is rubbing his eyes with his tiny fist looking tired.
It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep on me, while I just keep holding him as in my mind last night keeps on playing.
Nearly, after an hour I get out of the bed to get ready for work. The doctor has allowed me to resume my routine, but she suggested me to be careful and avoid physical stress. So I have decided to start going to the office for a few hours every day because I am losing my mind being at home all the time.
Nathan was not happy with it, but he doesn’t have a say in it as it is my choice. I promised him to take care of myself, and will not overwork because even I don’t want anything to happen to my baby. But I need to keep myself insane too.
I hear the sound of water running from the shower when I walk into our room to get my clothes and other stuff from the closet. I return to the spare bedroom to get ready before Nathan could come out of the shower, as I know he heard me coming into the room because not even a minute has passed the water turned off and I hear hurried footsteps.
When I am all dressed for work, I change Noel’s clothes and bring him outside for breakfast. Nathan is already seated for breakfast and as soon as Noel sees him he starts jumping in my arms while leaning towards him.
He shouts happily as he stretches his arms towards him.
At least among the three, of us, somebody is happy.
“Good morning, Potato.” Nathan smiles while looking at Noel, however, his eyes keep flickering to me.
“Good morning, cupcake,” he says as I hand him Noel.
“Morning.” I nod my head and go behind the kitchen island to cut some strawberries for Noel as they are his favorites while I take out a homemade protein bar for myself as I don’t feel much hungry.
“You are not eating just that.” Nathan frowns as he points at the bar.
I choose to keep quiet while I give Noel strawberries. But not wanting him to cover himself in strawberries, I decide to feed him myself.
Of course, he was not happy with it but as soon as he tasted strawberry he forgets his annoyance.
Why can’t we all be like babies? Annoyed one moment and then the next moment forgetting everything and be happy again.
“Abigail, talk to me, don’t ignore me.” Nathan requests in a quiet voice, “It is killing me.”
“Nathan, I am not ignoring you, I just don’t feel like talking,” I answer him without looking in his direction because even my heart aches to see him like this but the hurt from his words is still too fresh to forgive him yet.
I know I can’t stay angry with him forever and I will forgive him because he never hesitates to apologize when he is wrong. He doesn’t apologize just with his words, his action speaks that he truly means it. And you can feel in your heart that he is genuinely sorry and I am not that person who can keep grudges when someone realizes their mistake.
Even I have to apologize to him for the way I reacted when we could have just simply talked things out and settled it. But, definitely, not now.
Sometimes, I do feel I am being a bitch. But then when he can be mean to me, then even I can be a bitch.
When I finish feeding Noel and eating my protein bar, I pick up Noel’s bag and my car keys as I walk to the door while carrying him.
“Wait, you are not going alone.” Nathan holds my hand, stopping me from opening the door, “You are coming with me.”
“No, Nathan, I am going myself.” I pull my hand back, “You don’t need to become my driver. I am very much capable of looking after myself.”
“Don’t start this now,” He says sternly, “I know you are angry with me and even I ashamed of how I behaved with you, but this doesn’t mean you can stop me from taking care of you.”
“I love you and nothing can change that, I know I have hurt you with my words and no amount of apologies can erase what I have said neither it can lessen your pain. But don’t take out my anger on yourself.” He cups my face and turns my face to look at him.
When I keep my eyes fixed on the floor and don’t respond, he plants a soft kiss on my forehead. Then taking things from my hand, he holds my hand, gently pulling me along with him as he opens the door.
“I can never stop loving you because it is something which I can never do.” Bringing our conjoined hand near his mouth he kisses a few times.
I love you, too, Nathan.