“You said we are going home, then why are we here?” I ask when he enters the car in our beach house’s driveway.
“This is home, Abigail.” He stops the car and turns to me, “A home which is only filled with love, and there is no other place where I want to be with you, now, other than this.”
Turning back my gaze to my beautiful home, I realize he is right. Every corner of this house is filled with love and the beautiful memories that we made together, and we both needed to be surrounded by them.
When life takes a difficult turn, you need an assurance that everything will be alright, you just have to hold on to each other just like the times when you were only surrounded by happiness.
Slipping my hand into his, I intertwine our fingers. The warmth that seizes my heart just by having his hand in mine, is enough for me to know that we have to rise above our issues because they are not worth it in front of this feeling.
Pulling our hands towards himself he kisses them and holds them against his heart like even his heart is also telling him the same thing.
Being in this place itself says a lot how much far we both have come. There was a time where there was no future of us together, but now no future of us is complete without each other.
Sliding open the screen door, I step outside on the patio while I silently enjoy the humid salty breeze of the sea. This is the best thing about our house, it just feels like we have the sea in our backyard.
Sea never fails to bring calmness inside me, there is something about water that always pulls me towards itself. Like it is asking me to give it all my worries and pain, let myself be free.
I wriggle my toes and feel the sand particles between them, wanting me to go and let my feet touch the surface of the water. But I know it is not possible, at least for now. So, I just settle on gazing at the waves crashing against the surface one after another, creating soothing sounds that is enough to calm the chaos inside my mind.
In four days, it is Noel’s first birthday and we are even supposed to share the news of our little surprise with our families. This was supposed to be a happy time for us, but here we are dealing with our own issues, created by us.
But I know, this small hiccup in our relationship will only make our relationship stronger.
A pair of familiar arms wrap around me from behind as Nathan pulls me against his chest.
“This is what we needed, right?” He sighs and gazes ahead, “Peace.”
“Hmm.” I nod my head in agreement.
But more than anything, what I need is him. Because he is my peace and comfort.
“But all these things are meaningless if I don’t have you.” He kisses my temple voicing my silent thoughts.
“Are you feeling, okay?” He asks, sounding concerned, “No headaches or nausea?”
“Yes, for now, I don’t feel like puking my guts out but I don’t know how long it will remain like this.” I lightly laugh, as in the afternoon only I was vomiting even after just taking a sip of water.
“This little dude is proving to be a difficult one.” He laughs while placing his hand on my bump which I feel just pop out of nowhere, as until two days back I swear it was not there, “I can already feel this one is going to keep me on my toes.”
Suddenly, another thought jumps into my mind.
“Nathan, how we are going to hide this from everyone on Noel’s birthday?” I point at my bump, “We have planned not to tell them till dinner.”
We planned to celebrate Noel’s birthday in the afternoon as it will be sort of beach party then later at night we will have dinner with everyone where we are going to announce our pregnancy.
“I don’t want anything that will take the spotlight away from my Noey.” I frown, “It is his special day and only he should get all the attention.”
“We’ll figure that out later, Cupcake.” He turns me to him, “But first we need to talk about something that is really important.” He gives a small smile, squeezing my shoulders.
“Yeah, I promise I will listen to what happened at Dina’s house-” Placing a finger on my lips, he stops me from talking and shakes his head.
“This is important.” He points between us, “Not her, or anyone else. Our relation comes first, then our family, only after that rest of the things come.”
“So, we are not going to talk about anything else.” He smiles, “Because first, we need to talk about us.”
Clasping my hands in my lap, I chew the corner of my lip anxiously.
“You know what is your biggest problem?” Nathan asks as his eyes roam around my face, “You think a lot. However, you don’t share what is going on in your mind.”
“Just take now, for example, you are being anxious for no reason.” He softly smiles, “I am your husband, you should feel free to talk to me about anything that is bothering you or how you are feeling without even me forcing you to talk. But what you do? You just keep it all inside your head.”
“I do talk to you, Nathan,” I say defensively.
“Yes, you do.” He nods his head, “You talk to me, but you hardly share your feelings with me.”
“I want you to talk to me what is going inside your mind. If you will not tell me then how am I going to understand what is going on?” He sighs, “You keep things bottled up inside you then a point comes when you just explode. And I don’t understand how to react, because I don’t even know how or when you have reached that point.”
“If there is anything which you think I am doing wrong or I am lacking somewhere, you should just say. Instead of waiting for me to miraculously realize my mistake. Because when I don’t even know what the problem is then how am I going to correct myself?” He shrugs.
“You had issues with my working schedule, honestly tell me, had you ever talk about it to me before that day?” He looks at me pointedly, “Have you ever told me, that ‘Nathan, I am not happy with your work routine’, have you?”
Lowering my head, I shake my head in no. Because it is true, I have never mentioned it to him that with him being away for work things are becoming difficult for me to handle.
“You concluded your own solution to the problem, the problem which I wasn’t even aware of, that we should take a break because for some stupid reason you thought that you are not important to me anymore.” He rolls his eyes.
“But you were so busy, and you hardly gave any time to our family and me. So, what else should I have thought?” I try to justify myself, “You don’t know how to balance things when it comes to family and work. You just carry away with your work so much you don’t even realize your personal life is being affected by it.”
“I know that, and I am working on it. But I need your support to guide me when I am doing something wrong. Just like I try to help you when I watch you are struggling somewhere.” He holds my hand.
“Why are you only pointing out my mistakes?” I narrow my eyes at him, “You are not a saint either. When you are angry you become an ass.”
“Ass?” His face scrunches up in confusion.
“Yes, an ass.” I curtly nod my head, “That is the only place from where shit comes from. And when you are angry the only thing that comes out of your mouth is shit. Pure shit.”
“God!” He chuckles loudly, shaking his head in amusement, “How do you even come up with such things?”
“It’s a talent.” I shrug suppressing my grin.
Because whenever he laughs it is really difficult to not laugh with him, because his laugh is contagious.
“It is true when I am angry I do behave like an ass.” He sighs and nods his head, “And I am extremely sorry for that because I do end up hurting you unintentionally.”
“But from now whenever I cross my limit or say something harsh or hurtful, I want you to stop me. I don’t want you to stay quiet and listen to my nonsense.” He looks at me with eyes that are showing his sincerity, “Because you don’t know how much I regret every hurtful word which I say to you in the heat of the moment. Even I promise I will try to control myself and my words, but sometimes it just happens I don’t do it willingly.”
“Abigail, we both need to help each other.” He sighs, “Neither you or I can work on this alone. We are two different individuals, the only thing which brought us together is our love. And for that love, we have to work out through our differences. And communication is the only thing which will make things easier for us.”
“So, you have to learn to share your thoughts with me, and I need to control my words.” Holding my hand, he gently rubs his thumb over my knuckles, as my gaze falls in my lap because I am feeling ashamed of myself. Now when I think it is always him who tries to reach out to me whenever we are having any problems.
Moreover, I do have difficulty with sharing my thoughts, it is just that when you are used to keeping things inside you, it becomes difficult to share them.
It is not like I don’t trust him, because numerous times I have allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of him. But I have rarely shared with him why I am feeling that particular way. While he, without even knowing anything, has comforted me in his own ways... sometimes just simply holding me and letting me cry in his chest.
It just feels like he takes away my pain and gives me his strength.
“I don’t want to change anything about you, I just want you to let me in. So that I can understand how I can be better for you... because that’s all I want to be a better husband and a better father.”
“For that, I have decided we will talk more...” He holds my chin and lifts my face, “Even when we do not feel like talking to each other, we will talk. We will share with one another why are we feeling that way. Whether we are in a good mood or having the worst temper, we are going to let out our feelings in front of each other.”
We never stretch our fights, we apologize to each other and move on. However, we never discuss why we react that way, or what made us angry or sad. I think this is the problem, we sort out our differences but we never discuss how those conflicts arise between us in the first place.
“I can’t do this on my own, Abigail, you have to support me.” He wipes my tears with the pad of his thumb.“You have to voice out your feelings and I promise I will listen to you. Just don’t shut me out.” He nearly pleads which cracks my heart, as he has thought so much about this while I was busy being petty.
“Whether I am sad, happy, or even when I am in a bad mood, I talk to you. It is not because I want to burden you with my feelings, no, it is because I know you will listen to me and understand me.” The tenderness in his voice and truth behind his words bring more tears in my eyes, “This is what I expect from you, that you will consider me worthy enough to share your inner feelings with me. ”
“You are not alone anymore, baby.” He gently cups my face, “I am there for you, but you have to just let me in. Otherwise, things like this will keep on repeating.”
“I am sorry, Nathan.” I burst into tears while tightly hugging him, “I am sorry for not truly opening up to you, for making you feel you are not worthy enough. I swear, I love you and trust you more than anyone and I never wanted you to feel this way.”
“Don’t cry.” He pulls me into his lap and kisses my hair, “We both did mistakes and in future also we will do mistakes, but let’s just learn from our mistake together and move forward.”
“I will not apologize to you but instead I will promise you to change my behavior and try to act more sensibly when I am angry.” He lightly shakes his head, “Because apologizing without changing yourself means nothing.”
“It is really hard to believe that you are that same Nathan who was once nothing but a fucked up person.” I kiss his jaw, snuggling more against him because I just want to be as close to him as it is possible, “Because you are nothing like him. And I love you so much.”
“It is true I am not that Nathan because you changed me.” He slightly tilts my face up and smiles at me, “That Nathan is part of the past, however, this Nathan is your present and future.”