Numbness starts to roll over me, as I block out everything because, otherwise, I am sure my heart will burst open in my chest from the pain which is searing inside my heart.
Nathan’s helpless face flashes before my eyes, looking at me with an agonizing gaze which makes me hate myself. Because I feel it is my fault, as my body was not able to keep him protected.
My eyes shutting down, as I am barely able to keep them open and I know soon I will be welcoming the calming darkness which will help me escape from this torment for a while.
Suddenly, a soft cry reaches my ear from the corner the room shattering the cold barrier around my heart. With every ounce of power which is left in me, I order myself to open my eyes.
The sight before me calms the raging storm inside my heart, as I fill my soul with the sight of my son.
“Fuck! He is okay.” Nathan half-laughs and half-cries, as he squeezes my shoulder willing me to stay awake, “Abigail look at Levi.” He kisses my head.
“He is tiny.” he whispers in awe as the doctor shows him to us, “But I love him.“He chuckles lightly as he wipes his tears.
I feel myself slightly nodding my head, and then unconscious takes over me just before I watch them taking him away from the room.
My eyes flutter behind my closed eyelids and after a moment or two, I start gaining control of my senses.
“Nugget, you scared me... I already feel that you are going to keep me on my toes.” Nathan’s soft voice becomes slightly clear as blinking my eyes, I open them.
Slightly shifting my eyes to my left, I watch Nathan fondly looking at the screen of his mobile, while his other hand is holding mine.
I give his fingers a light squeeze which instantly makes him lift his eyes from the screen.
“Hey, you are wake.” He smiles brightly, as his eyes lock with mine “How are you feeling?” He asks while his eyes roam over my face.
“Yeah... okay,” I whisper still feeling exhausted. “Levi?”
I notice I am shifted into a new room, but I haven’t seen my baby yet.
“He is perfect, they have kept him in the NICU.” He smiles softly, and turns the screen towards me, “I have asked the nurse to click his picture for you.”
Taking his mobile, I bring the screen closer to my face as I gaze at my beautiful baby boy.
“Levi.” I smile looking at him, but my smile turns into a frown when I realize there are so many wires and machines surrounding my little boy.
“He is doing okay,” Nathan quickly speaks, when he notices my distress, “But he has to be kept there for a while, to make sure he stays healthy and fine.”
“I thought we have lost him as well.” I swallow the lump while closing my eyes as I recall the scariest moment of my life, even scariest than the moment when I found myself being on the verge of dying.
Looking back at the picture, I wipe my tear which escapes from the corner of my eyes. Then I hold the mobile against my chest while imagining holding him.
“Me too, Abigail.” He sighs and lowers his head on our conjoined hands, “I can’t describe how I felt at that moment, it was just like my entire world has crumbled down before my eyes.”
“His airways were blocked so he was unable to breathe, it took nearly five minutes to resuscitate him.” He blows out a breath from his mouth, as he runs his fingers through his already tousled hair, “Most difficult five minutes of my life...” He shakes his head.
“Have you hold him?” I ask as the urge to hold my baby, gnawing my heart as I glance at the picture of him.
“No, not yet.” His lips tilt in half-smile, “Serena has said we can’t hold him now, but once he will be cleared then we will be able to hold him. However, she informed me that he is doing well, but still, he will need to stay here for one or two weeks more.”
Closing my eyes, I nod my head because I know even though my heart is longing to hold him, but all this is to keep him safe and healthy.
“Soon we will be able to hold him.” Nathan smiles as he turns to look at Levi’s picture.
“Can you please bring Noel?” I ask as the emptiness inside me clenching my heart, as I am away from both of my babies.
I want to hold my baby, and this harrowing feeling inside can only be calmed when I will have my child in my arms.
If my arms can’t hold my Levi, at least I can have my Noel with me.
“Tomorrow, I will bring him to yo.” He nods his head while caressing the back of my hand.
“I have told everyone not to come to the hospital as we need some time,” he says and I feel relieved as I am not ready to meet anyone yet, I just want some time to be with myself and my family.
“Thank you.” I give him a tired smile.
“Take some rest, it was a long day.” He smiles and squeezes my hand, “If you need anything just let me know.”
Instead of replying I squeeze his hand back, as I can’t have what I need at the moment.
I want to hold Levi in my arms and feel him against me.
“I will ask the doctor to let you meet Levi tomorrow if it is possible.” Nathan understands my silence and leaning down he presses his lips against my forehead.
“Everything is fine now, we have waited for so long and just a wait for a few more days then we can hold him and shower our love on him as much as we want.” He sighs as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me in his comforting embrace.