After replying to everyone’s messages later I have talked to Mom in the morning, she told me that everyone is really excited and happy. But they all understand that Nathan and I just want to be together for a while because this is not an ideal situation. And we need each other’s support more than anyone else’s.
This morning, after waking up, I simply burst into tears because Levi was not with me. And the thought of leaving this hospital without him is also breaking my heart. Because in a day or two I will be discharged and I will have to go home without my baby.
And I hate this.Nearly one hour ago, Nathan has gone home to bring Noel and since then I am anxiously waiting for them.
After Nathan has left for home, I changed into fresh clothes and did light natural make-up, trying to look as normal as I can, because I don’t want to worry Noel by looking sick and exhausted.
I am surprised how much observant babies are, you don’t realize but they actually notice everything. Noel understands if I am not feeling well, or when I am upset. And it directly reflects on his mood as well. If he notices that I am upset, even he becomes quiet. Once he saw me crying, and then even he started crying.
So I try to behave normally as much as I can around him when I am upset or unwell and keep my emotions in check in front of him. It is not easy to pretend to be okay when you are feeling like shit, but who said being a parent is easy.
A smile forms on my lips as soon as I hear the sound of the opening of the door.
“Look, who has come to meet his mama?” Nathan smiles as he walks inside carrying Noel.
His hair is standing in all directions as he is scratching his head looking slightly confused.
“Noey.” I smile at him.
My heart nearly explodes with love when Noel squirms in Nathan’s arms and leans towards me while stretching his little arms as soon as his eyes land on me.
“Okay, I got it, you need your mama.” Nathan laughs as he places Noel in my lap when he starts to cry while pushing away Nathan.
Noel crawls in my arms and buries his face in my chest while clutching my shirt tightly in his hands. My heart melts while tears spring to my eyes as a soothing feeling engulfs my heart, by having him in my arms.
I never take for granted the moments which I spend with my child and my family. And at this moment, I am feeling so thankful and content to be able to witness such pure love which is filling my soul with immense warmth.
Suddenly, I have this strong urge to cry because I am still not able to meet Levi, and having Noel in my arms makes me feel his absence even more.
This should have been our first time being together as a family of four. My arms should have been cradling both of my babies, not just one.
There is an odd feeling of emptiness inside me, as I am no longer able to feel Levi’s presence inside me. For the past eight months, he was a part of me, my constant companion, and now he is detached from me. It will take a while to adjust to this void, however, once the empty cradle of my arms will be full with his presence everything will feel alright.
“I love you, my baby boy.” Holding him tightly against me, I close my eyes allowing the warmth emitting from Noel’s small body to heal the pain of separation which I am feeling. “Mama loves you so so much.”
After I am satisfied with hugging and showering him with lots of kisses, finally my attention turns to Nathan and my lips tilt in a soft smile.
“Oh, so, at last, you have noticed your poor husband.” Nathan arches in eyebrow pretending to look offended, “I thought you have forgotten me, as now you have your son with you. Just like he is ignoring me because he is busy enjoying all the attention he is getting from his mama.” He playfully narrows his eyes at Noel.
“I wonder what will happen once even Levi will join this cuddling session with his brother and his mama.” He shakes his head, “I am already feeling so unloved and unwanted.” He makes a fake sad face.
“Noel, look dada is jealous.” Kissing Noel’s cheeks, I turn him in my lap so he is facing Nathan, “Say him that you love mama more than him.”
“Mama.” Noel happily claps, while raising his head to look at me.
“Don’t you love your dada?” Nathan asks which gets Noel’s attention.
“Dada,” Noel repeats even more enthusiastically which makes us laugh.
“Okay, so I guess it is a tie.” Nathan declares, “He loves us both, but I am his favorite person.” He grins smugly which makes me roll my eyes at him.
“Noel, you are a big brother now.” I make Noel stand in my lap, while he holds my face, “Your baby brother couldn’t wait to meet you, so he came early to be with you. Isn't that exciting?” Raising my eyebrows, I nod my head.
“He loves you so much, you know that?” I kiss his nose, and then I nod at Nathan to bring the gift which we have bought for Noel on behalf of his brother.
“Baby Levi brought a gift for you.” I smile as Nathan places a colorful paper bag in front of him.
Instantly, colorful patterns get his attention as he keeps on pointing at the different circles while squealing excitedly. Finally when I tilt the bag, so he can see inside it, he grabs the gift.
Nathan was the one who brought this gift and said he would love it. And judging by the happiness on his face, I think he is pretty much right.
But then he even looked at the gift bag with the same amount of happiness and excitement. However, I will just pretend that he is super happy with the gift.
“Ba..Ba...” He tries to pull the Plush Pokeballs out of the wrapping.
“Yes, they are balls.” I smile and help him unwrap them, “Just like you see on Pokemon cartoons.”
He really enjoys watching Pokemon, so Nathan thought Levi should gift him Pokeballs.
“When you will meet your baby Levi you will say thank you to him for this gift. And don't forget to tell him that you love him, because he will need lots of love and protection.” I ruffle his hair as he keeps on repeating ba ba while showing Nathan Pokeballs.
A small sigh escapes my lips, even though I am happy but my happiness seems incomplete because my second baby is not with us right now.