My eyes burn with unshed tears when Abigail breakdowns, when I meet Hannah’s gaze through the rearview mirror I find that her condition is not very different from mine.
When Nathan called me today and told how Abigail is being anxious I instantly knew she is just bottling up everything inside her.
Since childhood, Abigail keeps everything inside her, and she tries to disconnect herself from her negative emotions by busying herself in something to keep her mind occupied.
Therefore, it is not a surprise when I learned from Nathan that she has busied herself in cleaning the house like crazy. I am sure by now even the tiles of her bathroom would be so clean that you can eat on them.
And I knew the perfect way to unwind Abigail is to do something fun and spontaneous and when I shared this with Hannah she instantly jumped in. Because there is nothing more relaxing yet fun, other than to live in the moment.
But before that, she needed to let out her emotions which she is keeping buried inside her heart. And thankfully, she didn’t hide how she is feeling when Hannah encouraged her to share her thoughts with us.
“I feel whatever I do is not enough.” Abigail wipes her tears, and takes a ragged breath, “I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I am not good enough. Levi’s suffering is my fault, that my own body betrayed me by not nurturing him until he was strong enough to come into this world, by not keeping my other baby safe.” She drops her face into her hands as her voice quietens at the end.
“I am afraid Levi would have to pay for my mistake if I lack anywhere in taking care of him.” She sighs and looks up staring blankly ahead.
“Stop doubting yourself, Abby,” Hannah speaks in a firm tone, almost scoldingly, “Stop thinking like it is your fault because it is not. Bad thing happens with people, but this doesn’t mean that they are the one to blame for whatever happened with them. Sometimes there is no justification why something went wrong, it just happens and we have to just accept it and move on. So, stop being hard on yourself.”
From the corner of my eye, I watch Abigail rubbing her face with her hands while nodding her head.
“I know, but sometimes I can’t help it.” She leans her head back as she swallows, “I want to do everything which is in my power to make sure my children are safe in every way. And sometimes I do feel that I am overthinking, but it is better to overthink than to regret, right?” She asks while chewing her lower lip like she needs some kind of assurance that she is doing the right thing. However, deep down even she knows that overthinking causes more harm than good.
“No, it is better to do whatever you can then pray for the best. Overthinking will only make you anxious and will put negative thoughts in your mind, which will do no good. So just follow what your heart says as being a mother whenever it comes to your child your heart is always right.” Hannah smiles softly and her eyes hold a pure look adoration.
“So, it means I am being a wacko.” Abigail shakes her head, as her lips curve into a smile, “But thank God, both Levi and Noel are too young to realize that their mom is looney tunes.” She jokes with a light chuckle.
“Oh, you both are cuckoos.” Hannah smacks the back of our heads and we both let out a “hey” in protests.
“Says the one who asked her husband to kiss another girl,” Abigail murmurs as she rubs the spot on her head where Hannah hit her.
I finally pull over the car near the park where they have a skating rink, the place where Hannah wanted to take Abigail.
“What are we doing here?” Abigail frowns as she leans forward in the seat while looking at the park.
“We are doing skating!” Hannah announces as she opens the car door and then only I notice the big bag she has brought with her which probably have roller skates in them.
Abigail and Hannah are good at skating, while on the other hand, I am a master at landing on my ass after every minute or two whenever I have skates on.
“Great! It looks like my bum is about to get rounder and bigger.” I dramatically sigh while shaking my head.
"There is no guarantee that you will only land on your ass." Abigail shrugs, as she reties her hair in a higher ponytail, not denying that I suck at skating, "Maybe you will fall face first, which might result in you having bigger boobs as they might hit the ground first." She attempts to keep her face straight as I, playfully, glare at her.
"Get your asses out of the car, I am getting old here waiting for you guys to join me," Hannah yells as she has already put on the roller skates.
Rolling at eyes at Hannah, Abigail step outside the car as I follow her defeatedly.
I guess most probably I am about to get a boob job for free.
Even though I really sucked at skating but still I find myself enjoying it. Nearly after an hour, we all are tired and hungry, but still, not ready to go home yet.
"Take me to someplace where they serve amazing food at this hour." Abigail lies down on the backseat and she props her feet on the car window sill after rolling the window down.
"How does burger sound, because I only know one place which opens 24/7 and only have burgers in their menu," I speak after thinking for a while, as I remember a burger joint which Miles and I have visited few months back.
"Then let's have some juicy yummy burgers." Abigail whoops from the backseat which makes me laugh. However, seeing Abigail smiling and laughing, I am feeling glad that our impromptu planned has worked and Abigail is back to her happy self.