I’m looking at my dad, who I think might die of a brain hemorrhage if he keeps yelling at me like this. I keep seeing that vein popping out on his forehead. I think he might have high blood pressure or something because he has turned about one hundred shades of red. He should probably get that looked into.
I changed my last name and he’s flipping out like the world is about to end. I thought mom would be the one to blow a gasket over this. She’s just staring at her dinner plate not blinking. I think I might have broken my mom. Maybe I should see if she’s still breathing? How does that woman not blink? Yikes. Her eye is twitching. I must have really messed up this time.
“Zander, you’re better than this. What in the hell has gotten into you, boy? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? This bullshit is all over the media. My phone has blown up all damn day with people thinking you are insane. I have to say, I agree with them. Your grandmother is having a fit.”
My dad owns the biggest movie production company on the East Coast. He also used to be a male model. I usually keep my dates away from here because they all hit on my dad. We look a lot alike and it comes in handy. I pretend to be him to get in elite parties.
He and my mother are pretty well-known celebrities, but he hates California and Hollywood. I think it’s the traffic. He used to bitch about it all the time. He moved us to Miami when I was in high school. His movies are up there with Star Wars and the Titanic, from what I’m told. Hell, I don’t know. I can’t remember any of the films he’s made. He won’t let me be in any of them, so I couldn’t care less.
My dad banged his fist on the table. “Don’t tell me to fucking relax, you half-wit! And don’t call me pops! I’m your damn father for gosh sakes! I brought you into this world and...”
“And you’ll take me out. You said that like five times already.”
“Not enough. You live off my money like some spoiled entitled brat. Zander Kane, I should slap the stupid off you. If you want to be taken seriously in this business, go take some acting classes. Get a damn job and get an agent. You graduated from college two years ago in film production. Start working at the studio and pay your dues while doing auditions. I’m sick of this shit.”
“Why? I’ll be taking over for your old ass anyway when you retire. Not like I have to go look for a job. I’ll just work at Kane Studios. In the meantime, I can have some fun. You told me to enjoy my youth while I can. I’m twenty-six. I have my whole life ahead of me. Mom didn’t take acting classes. Why should I?”
“Your mother has a unique natural talent for acting. You are a buffoon.” My dad grabs his glass of bourbon shaking his head in disgust.
“Buffoon? Dude? How old are you? Oh, and it’s Zander Vain now. Not Kane. Mr. Vain if you want to be fancy about it.”
My dad is now rubbing his temples pouring himself his third glass of bourbon straight. He takes a shot like a pro. I love messing with him. I may have broken my dad too. He doesn’t realize that I just do this shit to piss him off. It’s entertainment for me. Everything else around this place is boring as fuck.
“Okay. Tell me one more time why you thought this was a good idea?”
“I have a huge social media following. People are always saying I’m vain. So I went with it.”
“And it’s now your legal name?”
“Idiot. So tell me this. What are you going to do when you want to get married? Do you think some lady will want to become Mrs. Vain?”
I’m laughing hysterically now. He actually believes I will fall in love with some dream girl and give him perfect grandkids. They should have had more kids because I want no part of that life.
“You assume I want to marry someone who I have to answer to. There is way too much pussy out there for that shit. I will stay single and ready to bang bitches whenever I want.”
My mom Grace’s eyes just shot up to me. “ALEXANDER MASON KANE! Watch your dirty mouth! Don’t you talk about women that way.”
Oh shit. I woke up the dragon lady. I said too much. She said my full name. I might die tonight. Mom has come back to life and is now looking at me like she’s ready to drag me to the pits of hell with her perfect manicured talons. She got her nails done in those sharp tips and pokes me with them when she’s pissed off. Hence the name dragon lady.
Maybe I shouldn’t tell them the rest? Too late. It’s coming out like word vomit at this point.
“Oh! Mom. Dad. I wanted to let you know that I am getting married. You’re invited.
My father Mason sighs dramatically taking another shot. “Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.”
“I’m going to marry myself. I have the whole thing planned. The wedding is in a month. Huge party. My buddy Justin is getting ordained, and I’m having a full bar. I have an awesome bachelor party planned. I sent invitations yesterday. The media are going to eat this shit up.”
“The idiot actually said it.”
The old man may possibly die right now. He looks like he’s not feeling so well. Maybe I should ask if he needs his meds? Wait? Does my dad take meds?
My mom practically growled. “What... the... fuck?”
Yep. I broke my mom. She just sits there and stares at me like she’s possessed. She’s now pouring bourbon for herself. She doesn’t drink. And, she said fuck so that confirms I officially broke my mom. She never cusses and is always complaining that dad and I need to watch our language.
“Think about it. No one could ever love me as much as I love myself.”
My dad’s laughing now. Not sure if that’s good or bad.
“Well, that’s for damn sure. Dumbass. Son, I think you broke your mother. Grace, it will be okay.”
Dad rubbed mom’s shoulder, and she waved him off. She must really be mad.
“Shut up. You’re both idiots. Mason, call your friend, Camron Hicks. Have your idiot son meet his daughter.” My mom stabbed at her stake, eating it like a rabid dog.
“Mom. No setting me up. I can get girls on my own.”
“She’s not a date, moron. She’s a therapist. Olivia is the top of her field. If she says you’re not off your ever-loving rocker, we’ll go along with this crazy scheme of yours... for now,” dad groined.
“Dad. I’m fine.”
“Son, you’re far from fine. You’re a nutcase. But, we love you. See the therapist and I will consider not cutting your money off.”
Dang, it. He said the M-word. Cutting off my money means I have to be normal. I hate normal. He’ll expect me to work for him. Shit.
“Fine. I’ll meet with her.”
“Good. I’ll set it up.”
My son is a complete moron. He can’t possibly think this is okay? Shit. Yes, he can. Sadly, it will all work out for the dumbass. Everything works out for him. No matter how stupid his cockamamie schemes are. Where did we go wrong with this boy?
Climbing in bed I can see my poor wife is ready to have a nervous breakdown. She knows as well as I do Zander will go through with marrying himself. It’s probably not even legal, but he will do anything for shock value.
“Grace? Honey? Are you all right?”
“Our son is the most brain dead idiot I’ve ever known. What is he thinking? No... he’s not thinking. He never thinks. He just does whatever stupid shit poops in his head. And you! How could you go along with this? Don’t think you’re getting any tonight.”
“I love him but I don’t have to like it. Did you hear him talking about women like that? Who taught him that? Dirty mouth. He is about to meet the other side of his mother. No more nice mom.”
“Not a chance. Go sleep on the couch.”
Shit. I’m killing that brat myself. Damn you, Zander.