Fears In Love
I was falling for him. Or maybe I already fell.
I had realized that a while ago but the realization was still undergoing the process of acceptance in my mind.
The situation I was in, made me want to laugh at myself. Falling in love with the ‘God Of Love’ himself. How much more stupid could I have been?
My emotions were a mess. On one hand, I felt like a giddy love-sick idiot of an overly cheesy romantic comedy. But, on the other hand, I felt absolutely terrified.
Not only because my past relationships were a mess but also because I had an overwhelming feeling that this would end up in a disaster. A voice inside my head kept telling me that I would end up being hurt.
And my mind agreed with the voice.
Not because Pierce gave me any sign that warned me to stay away.
No, my mind agreed because I could feel us going nowhere. With Pierce, my future appeared blank. I had no idea where we would end up.
And I knew he liked about me, I could see it as clear as day. But, to what extent?
Did he feel as deeply as I did?
Did he want us to act on our emotions?
I didn’t know. And these doubts only made the future cloudier. More confusing.
And the thing is I was already too deep in to back down now.
Everything that about him just drew me in. The goodness in his heart that was so easy to see, his clear views, everything. I loved his calm nature, his gentleness, how much he seemed to care. I loved how he got bossy sometimes, how straightforward he was and how I seemed to be the only one who could get on his nerves.
And, he did so much for me.
He was there no one else was. He helped me face my problems. He urged me to move on. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone. He made me happy.
And even unintended, he made sure that I wouldn’t be able to control my feelings. Stop me from digging deep. He made me feel uncontrollable.
I rubbed my eyes, letting out a breath.
I promised myself to just enjoy it. Too not think too much about it but the deeper we grew, the harder these thoughts were becoming to ignore.
I didn’t want it to end up in a disaster. I finally found a place in my life where I felt truly happy. I didn’t want to go back to feeling what I felt before. I didn’t want anything to change.
The sound of knocking snapped me out of my reverie. I sat up straight in my chair and gathered my composure before looking at the door.
“Come in,” I summoned, my voice professional.
The door opened and an enthusiastic Kiara steeped in, a large grin on her face.
I felt a smile tug at my lips. I was coming to like the shorter girl. I realized that she was fun to talk to and dare I say it, I enjoyed her company.
Since that day at the cafeteria when she nervously tried to engage in a conversation with me, we regularly talked and sometimes, hung out.
I would say that we both got over the past incidents and our misplaced dislike. Surprisingly, Kiara even got comfortable enough to discuss her love life with me. Though I felt extremely awkward at first, I had gotten used to it. Though, I was still careful to not make any comments about it.
I wasn’t an idiot.
“Kiara. What are you doing here?” I exclaimed, pleasantly surprised.
She sat down on the chair before my table. “Well, you stopped coming to the cafeteria during lunch and we haven’t talked for a while. So, I decided to invite you to dinner.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Dinner?”
She nodded. “Yes. My treat. Or are you busy?”
My mind flashed to my apartment at her question. Shaking my head, I admitted, “no.”
“Then, we will meet after work is over and drive there” she informed, already having the event planned out.
“Okay, but don’t you have any work today?” I asked, confused as to why she was relaxing in my office during the working hours.
She snorted. “I work in the fashion department. My work’s never over” she mentioned.
I gave her a blank stare. “Then shouldn’t you go and work?”
She nodded. “Yes, but I needed a break. I was tired” she said simply.
I looked at her, amusement playing in my eyes. “I could report you, you know?” I informed her.
“You could but you won’t. You wouldn’t want your only friend to be fired now, would you?” she asked rhetorically.
I scoffed. “Who said to you that you are my ‘only’ friend? No, who told you that I considered you a friend in the first place?”
“I am the only person in the whole office you bother to talk to. So, yes, I think I sealed a position as your friend” she pointed.
I sighed in annoyance, knowing this discussion would go nowhere. “Fine, but get back to work now. If you slack off, I wouldn’t need to report you for you to get fired.”
She scowled but stood up. “Yeah, yeah. Bye, then.”
As the server walked away with our orders Kiara questioned me, “Can I ask you for a favor?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
She looked directly into my eyes. “Would you accompany me to my wedding-dress shopping?”
Surprise lit inside me and I stared at her, wide-eyed. “Why?”
She made a face, looking away from me. “Because my mom is sick, so she cannot come with me. Now, I have an empty slot and I need someone to fill it.”
I looked at her, my face clearly stating that I didn’t completely believe her. “You have hundreds of friends. Just ask someone you would genuinely want to come with you.”
She sighed. “That’s what I am doing. I am asking you because I genuinely want you to be there. You are horrifyingly honest and I need an honest opinion that day. Plus, you dated Dane before. You know what he likes.”
I cringed and went for the glass of water, clearing my throat in the process. I tried to not appear uncomfortable but some of her comments could really throw me off.
“I don’t. And I also think you would regret your decision later. I don’t deserve to be there and I am sure your groom would have the same thought as me” I told her, placing the half-empty glass of water down.
She looked at me again, her eyes turning soft and extremely persuasive. “I want you to be there. This is my wedding. And this wedding is happening with your help. So, please.”
I bit my lip, defeated. “Okay.”
She squealed. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh God, I am so excited to get married. I can’t wait to spend the rest of life with him” she gushed, her face giving off a dream-like haze.
I smiled, feeling truly happy for them.
I guess Cupid wasn’t a bad matchmaker after all.
I sighed as the previous doubts started re-surfacing in my head.
I looked at the day-dreaming girl sitting in front of me. Mustering up the confidence, I asked “Kiara, have you ever felt doubtful about your future with Dane?”
My sound caused her to shake her head. “Huh, what?”
I sighed. I knew she was dreaming. “Did you ever feel like your relationship with Dane would end up in nowhere?” I repeated.
Her expression took a turn into a thoughtful one. After a while, she answered, “I did. You already know that we both started liking each other when Dane was still dating you.”
She continued, “At that time, I did doubt everything. I thought that we would end up in a disaster. I remember being so scared of my feelings at the time.”
I looked down at my hands. “How did you deal with it?”
She smiled. “I don’t know. I just let them be. After Dane asked me to become his girlfriend, they disappeared on their own. So, I guess, give it time.”
I nodded my head even though her advice wasn’t helpful at all.
Suddenly, Kiara looked at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “can I ask you something?”
I didn’t like her tone. It sounded suspicious. But against my better judgment, I replied, “Go on.”
She leaned closer. “Did you find someone?”
Pierce’s gentle smile crossed my mind and I forced my face to go blank. “What do you mean?”
She rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. Do you like someone?”
Like was an understatement.
“I don’t see how that is any of your business” I informed.
She rolled her eyes again, already used to my harsh tones. “Of course, it is. I am your friend.”
“No, it is isn’t,” I told her.
She pouted. “Please, humor me. Do you like someone?”
I looked away from her face manipulative face.
No, I didn’t like him.
I was in love with him.
And I wasn’t sure if it was smart.