Showing You Love

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Determination to Love

It’s been almost two weeks since I last saw him. Almost two weeks since I fell back to my routine before him. Almost two weeks I’ve been coming home, wishing to find him waiting in the living room, only to face the disappointment of him not being there.

I didn’t want to but I still missed him. A lot. I felt alone again.

I had started feeling absolutely miserable since that day. And it wasn’t the kind of miserable I felt before Pierce flew into my life. It wasn’t the feeling of bitterness or anger that was a constant in my life before him.

No, I felt sad.

The first few days were excruciatingly horrible. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what went wrong that doomed day. All I had been able to do the next few days was to keep overthinking every line of the conversation until I felt like crying.

After that, I felt a wave of slow rising anger starting to build inside me. It started steering inside me like the wind before a storm. Each passing day with no sight of him or any hint of his arrival made the swirling red inside me to grow bigger.

All I could seem to think about was how he didn’t have the right to leave like that without any justification of his anger. It made my blood boil. I deserved an explanation. I had a right to know what caused this outrage. Was it even my fault? Were my words really the reason to trigger his anger?

I thought the biggest factor of our relationship, whatever our relationship was, was that we were honest with each other. That we never hid our feelings and even when we didn’t say everything out loud, we still had the grip of what the other one was thinking.

Maybe, I had been wrong.

His action had successfully created a huge mess of my life and my emotions. And yet, there was nothing I wanted more than him to come back. Even if currently, I was sure that I would explode on him when I see his face again. Though, he would definitely deserve it.

“What’s going on with you?” the question rang in the air, bringing me out of my thoughts and causing me to look at Tara.

She was staring at me from her chair at the head off the table. The expression on her face looked like it a mixture of curiosity and concern.

We were in the conference room, waiting for the arrival of the first copy of the monthly issue of ‘BOLD’. Just like every month, Tara was here along with the heads of every department to review the copy before its final print.

“What do you mean?” I asked in response, my eyes focused on the half-empty cup of coffee that stood in front of me.

“You look like you are about to burst out in tears which is weird because you’re also glaring at that cup like it had committed murder” she informed, letting me know that I wasn’t maintaining the impassive expression I always maintained.

Sighing, I forced myself to soften my expression and mold it into a poker face. “Nothing, I am just tired” I dismissed half-heartedly.

I felt her gaze intensifying as it bored into me but I didn’t look at her as I knew it would encourage her to become sentimental. And I wasn’t in the mood for an emotional talk. I wasn’t in the condition to handle it.

Unfortunately, my lack of interest in talking about my personal life didn’t seem to discourage her. “I don’t think so. You look ‘tired’ for the first time in the past three months. Something’s wrong” she uttered anyway.

I was surprised by how much she observed because we barely meet. She comes to the office five to six times a month for a check-up. And we hardly ever hang out due to our busy lives. It also felt a little reassuring to know that she cared enough to notice the slight changes in my emotions.

But, either way, I wasn’t going to explain to her about my inner turmoil and building anger. Partly because I didn’t want to and partly because I was sure she wouldn’t believe me if I told her about the winged-Cupid, for whom I had foolishly fallen for, had gotten angry for some reason and left me feeling wretched.

“I have no idea of what you are talking about” I droned, subtly implying that I wasn’t going to talk to her about my emotional state whilst sitting in a room filled with overly-curious and invasive people.

Then suddenly, as if God was on my side for the first time in my life, a man arrived, holding out a copy of the magazine. I breathed a sigh of relief as everyone’s focus went to the work at hand.

I directed my focus on the work too, desperately hoping that it would take my mind off of him, even if it was for a little while.


I unlocked the door and just like the past two weeks, an empty apartment greeted me back. The silence inside was deafening and I didn’t feel the sense of comfort I felt when he was here.

His absence was getting to me more than I thought it would. And, It wasn’t even that I was being impatient. No, I had given him time. I had given him enough time to get a hold of his temper.

And, if two weeks weren’t enough for him, I wasn’t sure if any length of time would be enough.

That thought absolutely terrified me. I couldn’t imagine not seeing him for at least one more time. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it if he never returned. The thought of not seeing him even one last time gave birth to an uncanny fear inside me. And that fear only fueled my anger.

The exhaustion of the day, the continuous disappointment and fear I felt and growing sadness finally broke the last thread of control in me.

Slamming the door close behind me, I strutted forward with one determined thought. I removed my shoes and dropped my bag on the way, not stopping at any step.

My legs carried me to the same balcony on which I stood that fateful day, yelling out his name like a madwoman. The same balcony from which everything started. The same one from where I first saw him.

When I reached the spot, I let out a deep breath. Placing my hands on the reeling, I leaned forward. If he wasn’t willing to come to me, I would forcefully bring him the way I did before.

If he didn’t want to associate with me anymore, he had to say it to my face. He had to give me a proper explanation. I wouldn’t allow him to vanish out of my life like he never existed.

I deserved an explanation and I was going to get it. Even if he didn’t want to give one.

I looked up at the sky. It looked just the way it did that day. The crescent moon shone in the sky and the stars twinkled like fairy dust. The night looked as mesmerizing as it did that day.

I closed my eyes. Taking in a deep breath, I started calling gout his name.

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