Showing You Love

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Guilt for Love

My lips moved against his with intensity but he didn’t kiss me back. But, he didn’t push me away either.

There was no spark like always. But, his lack of response confused me. I wasn’t able to understand if this was working.

The sound of a gasp broke him out of his trance and he pushed me away. The force behind his push was so harsh, I stumbled back.

Gathering myself, I turned to the direction of the sound. At the sight in front of my eyes, I felt myself freeze.

Kiara stood there with a hand covering her mouth, tears running down her cheeks.

I didn’t expect her to show up here. She was in the washroom. She wasn’t supposed to witness this. Why did she come here?

“Kiara, I-I can explain” came the desperate voice of Dane. His whole body was tense.

Those words only made her tears fall faster. She turned around and ran, not giving him the chance to explain.

“Kiara!” yelled Dane, his voice pleading her to stop.

But, she didn’t.

Suddenly, Dane’s head snapped towards me. For a moment, all the grief disappeared from his face and only anger was visible.

“How could you, Ivy? I love her” his voice broke, his face masked with uncontrollable rage and the pain returned in his expression.

Then, he turned around and left.

I stared at his disappearing figure, frozen and unable to move. I felt a weight settle on me.

I felt a wave of emotion wash over me. The familiar sting prickled my eyes and I had no idea what I was going to do now.


Entering my apartment, I placed myself on the sofa in my living room. Cupid stood in front of me in his original form.

I knew he was staring at me. But, I couldn’t look at him.

He hadn’t said a word to me throughout the ride back home. I didn’t talk to him either. I had no idea what I was going to say.

“Did you get your answer, Ivy? Are you happy now?” he questioned finally. His voice was still as calm as always, but the swirling storm behind his words didn’t go undetected by me.

I pursed my lip as his words only made that foreign emotion inside me intensify.

“I never thought you would go to this extent just to prove yourself right, Ivy. What did you think that kiss would prove?” he asked, his tone implying that it wasn’t a question but a statement to show me how foolish I had acted.

His words brought another strong wave of emotions and I couldn’t take it anymore. They were getting too intense. They were getting too deep. So, I did the only thing I know to try and push this feeling away.

“I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t take Dane away from me” I spit, raw anger hanging on to each word and masking anything else I felt.

He smiled bitterly, something I have never seen him do before. “You don’t even love him, Ivy. Then, why are you obsessed with the idea that he was meant to be yours?”

“He was the closest who got there. He was the closest man for whom I ever felt that way” I hissed.

“So? You destroy his happiness because he couldn’t be yours? You took his love away because he didn’t love you?” he taunted.

“For, God’s sake. They don’t love each other” I screamed, my voice breaking. I knew I was trying to convince myself. I knew I was trying to find reasons.

He sighed.

“Get up” he ordered. And for the first time since I met him, his voice dripped with so much authority, I couldn’t go against him.

I stood up and he stepped closer to me. He placed his hands on my waist and spun me around. His hands tugged me closer till my back was touching his bare chest.

“What are you doing?” I asked quietly.

“Showing you their love” was his only reply before a blinding light made me shut my eyes. I felt a tingling sensation spread throughout my body. The feeling was so intense, I gasped.

It felt like I was sitting in a car that was moving in blinding speed. An invisible force was pulling my body back. Unable to handle it, I let my whole weight fall upon Cupid.

Then sensation came to a sudden stop, sending a shock through my body and making my head spin.

“Open your eyes” instructed Cupid.

My eyes snapped open and I started looking around, trying to understand where I was.

We were standing in a corridor but nothing about it looked familiar. Then, my eyes fell on a frame.

His forehead was placed against a door. His lips were pursed together and his hands were balled into fists.

“Why did you bring me here?” I whispered, anger and nervousness seeping into my words, “He will see us. And he won’t be happy if he does.”

He smiled a dark and bitter one. “He can’t see you. At the moment you are invisible to any mortal eyes.”

I stayed quiet after that and looked at the figure.

“You think he isn’t in love, Ivy. Just look at him!” he barked out a dry laugh, “Have you ever seen him this agonized? A person looks like that only when his heart breaks. And you still think he doesn’t love Kiara?” he asked.

His question hit the target. I bit my lips to stop myself from showing how much his words affected me.

His grip on my waist tightened again and I shut my eyes on reflex. The familiar feeling spread throughout me again.

As his grip on my waist loosened again, I reopen my eyes. Now, we were in a bedroom. It was an average looking one but that’s not what caught my attention.

The sight of a woman lying in the bed did.

Painful sobs filled up the room. I knew that they were loud enough to be heard from outside this apartment. Her sobs had a sheer intensity, making her whole body tremble.

“And, do you see her, Ivy? Can you tell me that Kiara didn’t love him?” he questioned.

I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say.

“Can you forgive yourself for doing this to her, Ivy? Can you forgive yourself for breaking two hearts just because you wanted to prove something? Can you, Ivy?”

I shut my eyes, trying not to block it all out. Kiara’s sobs, Dane’s agony, Cupid’s venomous words, the weight threatening to drown me, everything.

Cupid’s hold on me tightened again and within seconds, we were back to my apartment.

His hold on my waist disappeared and he moved away. I took a step back and turned to look at him.

There was no smile on his face. Just disappointment and anger. And for some reason, the thought that I was able to get him angry didn’t excite me as I thought it would. Instead, it only made the rush of water in my eyes intensify.

“I just wish you at least regret what you did. I just hope you aren’t that shallow” with these words the familiar light sparked in the room and he was gone.

I stared at the place where he previously stood, contemplating his words. Then I spun around.

I walked to my bedroom and sat on the bed. I kicked off my sandals but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. The weight on me was staling my ability to move. It was keeping me grounded.

The feeling was finally getting to me. I wasn’t able to push it away anymore. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep at bay now.

So, I didn’t try to stop it anymore.

And when my vision blurred and my cheeks started feeling wet, I sat there. And when the wight started getting heavier and heavier, reaching to the point that it was suffocating me, I still sat there.

I did something I never thought I would do. I was so blinded by hatred, revenge and the urge to be right, I didn’t realize how far I was going.

I knew the emotions. And I finally acknowledged it.

Guilt.

And I hated it. I never felt this feeling. I never knew how forceful and dark it was.

I never had a reason to know it.

I walked my walk and I never stepped into anyone else’s business. And for once when I did, I broke two hearts within five minutes.

I wanted to apologize. I wanted to turn back the clock, so I could change every wrong decision I made. I just wished I could take it all back.

But, I knew it wasn’t possible.

And like Cupid, I asked myself, will I ever be able to forgive myself for this?

A sob broke out from my throat.

Maybe, I really am the villain everyone painted me to be.

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