Showing You Love

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Thoughts on Love

In the past two weeks, I learned something new.

I learned that guilt was as strong as any other emotion. It had the power to dominate your thoughts like any emotion. It could suck out any positivity left in you and drown you in a lake filled with regret.

If I could, I would have changed everything I did that evening. I would have stayed away from them. In fact, I wouldn’t even have gone to that party.

But, there will always be something you can’t undo. And it doesn’t matter how much you want to.

I thought about apologizing too. But, I knew that showing my face to her at the moment would cause more damage, preferably to my face, than good.

So, I tried going on with my life as nothing happened that night but every time I came close to even forgetting about it, my conscience displayed it all in front of my eyes.

I felt the pencil snap in my grip. Sighing, I threw it into the trash can and picked out another one from the pencil holder.

Concentrating on my work had also gotten hard but it was the only thing that distracted my mind enough to stop it from showing me the heartbroken expressions on Kiara and Dane’s face and the disappointment and sadness on Cupid’s.

I rubbed my face and came to the conclusion that I needed a cup of coffee.

As my hands reached for the phone, my office door was flung open. The loud bang when it hit the wall made me jump.

Letting out a breath, I looked up with a glare. But, when my eyes fell on him, all the anger disappeared and was replaced by surprise and a familiar sense of regret.

I stood up from the chair, ready to walk in front of the desk and talk but he didn’t give that time.

Without waiting for a second more, he walked behind my desk. His pace was so fast, he almost slammed into me.

The way he was looking at me could make hell freeze over. His hands gripped my upper arms in a hard grip and he pulled me up, almost lifting me off the ground.

Shaking me violently, he spat, “Do even realize what you did? Do you have any fucking idea?”

His words were dripping with acid and his tone was murderous. I felt myself shrink back and my eyes shut close.

I had never been scared of Dane. I didn’t think I ever had a reason to. But, at the moment, I was terrified of him.

The blind fury in his face and the deadly anger behind his tone scared me. At the moment, I didn’t doubt that he was capable of hitting me. The way he was gripping my upper-arms and shaking me fiercely terrified me that he would.

“I loathe you. There is nothing I want at the moment than to get the world rid of you” he roared, and I flinched back.

His eyes shut close and he breathed in. After a few minutes, his grip finally loosened and he pushed me back.

I hit the table, almost falling. My hands grabbed the wood, my nails digging into it. I bit my lips and started to inhale and exhale deeply, trying to get control of my racing heart.

Then, I turned around to face him again.

But, when I looked at his face again, it was like I was looking at a whole new person.

His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were closed. There was no anger in his face. Not even a hint of the emotion.

He looked defeated. Like he’d given up and lost every spark he had.

And somehow, that was worse than seeing him angry and on the verge of a rampage.

“Are you happy, Ivy? Are you finally happy?” he asked.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to tell. Nothing a said would make this better. Make him feel better.

He stood there with his head hung and I stared at him, praying to God if there was some way I could reverse everything.

“You know, I was going to propose to her. I had everything planned out. I was going to propose to her the day after. But, you ruined everything” the anger was back on his tone at the last sentence.

At his words, I felt surprise bloom inside me.

“Propose? Dane, you’ve dated her for about nine months” I heard my bewilderment clear in my tone.

Proposal after only nine months of dating. I got that they loved each other but that was completely irrational to me. I didn’t understand it.

He turned to me. “Yes, propose. I love her and I am ready to settle down with her” he snapped back.

“That’s still completely stupid” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud but it slipped out my mouth.

He barked out a peal of taunting laughter. “Of course, it is to you. Have you ever been in love? If you had, you’d have understood. But, you won’t because you are too selfish to love anyone but yourself” and then he was gone.

The rest of the day went in a breeze. But, the whole day his words played in my head like a broken CD player.

‘You are too selfish to love anyone but yourself.’

Was I selfish?

I didn’t think so. I did a few horrible things in my life just like how a few horrible things happened to me. I did things that benefitted me. I was a closed-off person.

I had flaws. I knew that. But, I didn’t think I was selfish.

Finished with my dinner, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and walked back to my bedroom with my phone in hand.

After thinking about it for a while, I came to a decision that I know would get my thoughts clear.

Dialing to one man I knew won’t lie to me, at least not at the moment, or give me a biased answer, I waited for him to pick up.

When he did, I heard a whisper. “Ivy?”

Taking in a deep breath, I replied, “Hello dad.”

I could hear the sound of something shuffling from the other side before he talked again. “You called? Is something wrong?”

“Why do you assume that something’s wrong? Can’t I call just for the sake of it?”

His booming laugh sent a prickle of annoyance in me. Nobody would have caught it, but I heard the sarcasm behind his laughter. How could I not? He was the man who raised me.

“Yes, Ivy, you could. But, I know, you wouldn’t. Not after what happened with Catherine.”

I felt a shiver of revolt wrench my body at the name. I didn’t want to talk about her, especially not with the current state I am in.

So, I steered away from that road and headed for the main reason for this call.

“Okay. You know me” I admitted, “But, I really need to ask you something. And please be honest.”

“What is it?”

“Do you think, I am selfish?” I blurted the question out.

He went quiet for a while before he answered again. “Are you sure you want to know the truth?”

“Yes,” I said, impatiently.

He sighed. “Then, yes. yes, you are a bit selfish, Ivy. Not necessarily, always. But, you can be. And, may I know the reason behind your question?”

I gulped. Did I really want to tell him?

No. No, I didn’t.

But, he gave excellent advice.

After dwelling upon it, I finally conceded, “I did something bad.”

The line was was silent from the other side.

“And I don’t know how to fix it,” I finished.

“Well, you admitted it. That’s the first step in fixing any problem. And you are Ivy, dear. When you are determined to do something, you do it, no matter what. So, if you really want to fix it, you will figure out the way yourself.”

I sighed, closing my eyes. “Thank you, dad.”

“Welcome. And Ivy..” he hesitated before continuing, “Is there any chance that you might visit soon?”

The grip on my phone tightened. “I gave the answer to that question that day itself.”

“Of course. I just thought that you might have changed your mind” with that, he hung up the phone.

With a sigh, I set it down.

It was agonizing.

It was agonizing to know that I wasn’t my father’s first choice. That his only daughter, the one who he raised, wasn’t the one he chose. But, time goes on and I realized I should too.

So, I acted like I did even if it was clear that I didn't.

I got up and started getting ready for bed, all the while thinking about dad’s words.

When I went to turn off the lights, an idea finally struck me. An idea that could fix everything and remove this eating guilt inside me. An idea that could redeem me.

An idea for which I needed the help of a certain person.

Sitting in the edge of the bed, I started calling to him, knowing that if I was able to annoy him to an extent, he would definitely show up.

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