The noise in the restaurant muffles out as I look at the happy and cheerful faces of my family and friends. Today is a happy day for my best friend but why can’t I be happy?
He picks his now said fiancé up by the waist and twirls her around while everyone cheers and breaks out in tears of joy. Raising a hand to my cheek, I touch the liquid dripping from my eyes, I’m crying – fuck it hurts, my heart hurts – all of this fucking hurts.
Stepping back. I accidentally bump into my mother who looks at me confused, “Baby, are you crying?” she asks as I look at her with an expression I didn’t know I could make.
“I-I’m f-fine, I-I’m j-just s-s-s-so h-happy f-for h-him,” I say while trying to stop myself from breaking out into panicked tears to her, making her smile. She pulls me into a hug patting my back, “Baby, go congratulate them,” she says making me remember why the fuck I’m feeling horrible in the first place – the reason for my broken heart and tears.
Pulling away from her, I kiss her forehead and nodded, “O-okay b-but I’ll wash my face first, I don’t want them to see me like this.” I say to her knowing that it’ll reassure her.
She kisses my cheek as I leaned down and hugged her tightly… I’m going to miss her.
Walking towards the toilets I pass the wall that blocks everyone’s view. Turning left instead of right towards the toilets, I headed to the kitchen. Walking passed the chefs and waiters heading to the back door, they don’t stop me because people exit through here occasionally.
Climbing down the stairs my tears don’t stop falling. Speeding up my steps into a rushed run I start running down them, flight after flight.
‘Exit’ I see and my face lights up before turning grim yet again and quickly rush to the door. Feeling the cold air of the night hit my face as I look around turning in circles until I spot my car. Dashing off I pull out my car keys and unlock it.
Closing the door after I get in, I grip the steering wheel. I can’t hear it but I know I’m screaming – crying my heart out… well trying to cry the pain out of my heart.
The buzzing sound in my head is driving me crazy as my body feels numb. Clutching my hair I pull at it trying to pull it out of my scalp.
“No no no no no no no no NO!!!” I yell hitting my head against the steering wheel.
I hate this!
Why couldn’t it be me that he proposed to?
Why couldn’t it be me that he loved?
Why couldn’t it be me that was happy and excited receiving the ring he gave her?
Why can’t it be me?
WHY ISN’T IT ME???
I don’t know how long I’m sitting here crying but if I don’t get the fuck out of here I don’t know…
Starting up the engine I reverse out of the parking space and drive out the parking lot. The security guard waves me off even though he can’t see through my tinted windows. Turning onto the freeway I head straight for nowhere!
The buzzing won’t stop, I feel dizzy and my head hurts. Looking into the rearview mirror at myself, I see my dead blue eyes, red eye whites, stained cheeks that still have tears falling down them and the red running down the middle of my face.
Swallowing, I look away from my own reflection to the road. There are many cars passing by honking their horns at me for cutting them off but what do I care.
Turning right off the freeway I pass a police car that lights start flashing. Smirking at the motherfucker behind me I switch gears and accelerate with him chasing behind me.
We drive off the road once again and I finally see it after driving for so fucking long – the end of the road.
Looking into the rearview mirror I see one police officer hanging out of the window waving his arms at me. Looking ahead of me I speed up and my car hits the rails and over I go.
Turning around I see the police car stop at the edge of the cliff and looking down at me with horrid expressions. The car tosses and turns with me in it as my body and head bounces on their own.
The car comes to a stop as it hits against a boulder. I stare out the window with my head rested against the seat while my body aches. I try moving my fingers but it just hurts all over, why does it hurt? Why am I still alive?
The smell of gas enters my nose making me frown. “Hold on sir, hold on please,” I hear coming from somewhere. Turning my head into that direction, I look at the two officers struggling to pull the door off its hinges.
Looking into the dashcam of my car I smile and opened my mouth.
My eyes sting from the blood dripping into them. Closing them I feel myself drift off as my headache fades, my vision goes blank and the intake of gas – finally I can be at peace.