One day you’re going to wake up and your whole world is going to change. It could be something amazing: you could get your acceptance letter for your first choice place of education, you could be expecting a baby, you could get your dream job, and the list is endless. It could also be heart breaking: the eviction notice taped to your front door, the call that says your mother is sick, your best friend deciding to cut you off, and again the list is endless. For me, my world changed when I met a boy. What a cliché, right? I mean, you read that kind of stuff in books, see it happen on the big screen but you figure it’s all a big dramatization, the kiss in the rain and a person changing your life in one moment. It didn’t quite happen like that for me. My life changed over 2 years and 2 month and then I changed and kept on changing and I’m still changing now. I haven’t decided if the whole thing was amazing or heart breaking or something different, that’s something only time will tell.
I was 15 when I was talked into hanging out with my friends and meeting her old childhood friend with her. I met him, we hung out, we kissed and from then on we started seeing each other. We told each other we loved each other and I gave him the old precious ‘v’ card and then things changed. He made me smile until my cheeks hurt but I also felt so angry. Anger I had never felt before. He made me love myself and hate myself at the same time. Maybe it was my fault things got so messed up.
I developed a problem with food when I was 16. I like to think I’m okay now but old habits and all that. I tried to hide it but when you spend so much time with someone they pick up on things. He told my mum. I never forgave him for that and my mother and I’s relationship went downhill from there. We argued over him all the time, how I never saw my friends anymore, I never had any time for my family, the way I was treating my sisters. Of course, I fought and brushed it all off, I was 16 and in love, what did she know?
Obviously my mother knew everything. I know that now. She had done it all before and I just never bothered to listen. I was with him until I was 17 and a half years old. I was an angsty teenage girl and I was no longer the bubbly dork my friends loved to be around. I was also happy though. We had days where nothing could go wrong and we could just lay with each other and not even talk. He was my first love and everything changes with that. We’ve all been through it and we’ve all been heartbroken.
When I was 16, I had my prom. As I tried on dresses with my mum, she told me how beautiful I looked in every one of them. I hid away in the dressing room to hide the cuts on my thighs. My boyfriend was a self-harmer and I didn’t know how to cope. I used to express myself through writing but I gave all that up so I expressed in the way I had learnt to: with the blade. He convinced me to stop and I tried doing the same for him. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough?
Our second summer together, he cheated on me with my best friend. I knew something was up but I didn’t know for sure until months after it had ended. I was devastated but I forgave him and we moved on. Two months after our 2 year anniversary, he cheated on me again with a girl who had been my best friend since we were 12. I still don’t really know what happened that night except it was clear that I could never be what he wanted and we broke up.
To me, this was hell. I felt alone and broken. He started dating that girl and told me that I was being overdramatic and that I needed to get over it. I spent days in bed, unable to move. I almost failed my A levels because of it. We were still talking however and we would start meeting up in secret to get high and once we slept together. She still doesn’t know and I don’t have the heart to tell her I was just as bad as she was.
But a friend snapped me out of it. She whipped me into shape and we’ve been best friends ever since. I passed my A levels and I’m now an undergraduate but it was a rocky road and it still is. I fell for a wonderful girl a few months after things ended with him but I messed up by sleeping with someone when I was drunk. It seemed I couldn’t hold down a relationship with anyone. I still can’t but maybe that’s because so far my university life has been filled with alcohol and one night stands and a few nights where I was too high to comprehend. That’s the life of a first year though, some find people they’re absolutely smitten with like my housemates and some of us are here to escape the past and make a better future. I know a few girls like that here, I being one of them.
One thing I learnt though, it that a person can be amazing and heart breaking all at once and you’re life is going to change but one day, you’re going to get the call that says you’ve got the job and your life if going to change. One day you’re going to find out you’re pregnant and your life is going to change. One day you’re going to find out your mother is sick and your life is going to change. Everything will change. You’re going to need time to adjust but it will all make sense eventually.
Mitch, I’m sorry at 17 years old I wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry at 18 years old you realise what you did and begged for me to take you back. A person is amazing and heart breaking all at once but you’ll learn to grow and you’re going to change.
Accept it all.
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