I wiped the towel through my wet hair as I walked to my room. I've spent a lot of time there lately. I wanted to avoid the shameful looks I usually get from the other roommates. For the most part, I think they don't say any snide comments because of Emery. I know I deserve worse. I lost the only girl I've ever loved. No one can ever replace what she gave me, what she made me feel. I will never hold her or kiss her again. I will never have that again, and it's my own fault. God, I miss her.
I opened my bedroom door to find Ali lying on my bed in a seductive pose wearing some lacy red straps that only covers her "special" parts. "Ali, what are you doing in my room?" I asked monotonously. I toss my towel into my dirty clothes hamper, ignoring her attempt to seduce me.
She quickly sat up. "I just thought that, maybe, since Emery was away for the weekend, you can stop the act, and we can have another night together. Maybe talk about us."
Her reasoning left a sour taste in my mouth as I tried to figure out what happened to the girl, sweet girl she used to be. Maybe I ruined her, too. "It's not an act, and I'm not interested. There is no us. That night was a mistake, and I don't plan on making it again."
"Don't say that!" She said, cracking her provocating disposition. She caught herself and made her way over to me, rubbing her hands on my chest. I grabbed her wrist to get her hands off of me. She looked up at me and pouted her lip. "I just thought that maybe we could be together since everyone hates us anyway. We may as well give in to our cravings." She bit her bottom lip.
"Don't you get it! We lost our friends! I lost the only girl I've ever loved because of the mistake we made. My first love! Everyone should be mad at us." I release her wrist and plop down in my computer chair. I didn't sit on the bed because I didn't want her to think it was a subliminal invitation.
"Maybe you can fall in love again...with me."
"No, Ali. I can't. I never saw you more than a sister. I was just drinking that night. If I were completely sober, I would have never slept with you. I know its harsh, but it's true."
Her eyes started to water. "I don't believe that."
"You have no choice. That's how I feel. I love Emery with everything I have in me, and that's never going to change. There is no one else for me." I felt so nonchalant about her feelings. I felt utterly drained behind this breakup. I didn't have too much sympathy left in me.
"Maybe if you just..." She leaned in close in an attempted to kiss me. I lightly pushed her away.
"Don't do this. I'm falling in love with you."
"You're not in love with me. You're in love with who you think you can change me into. I'm not in love with you."
Her eyebrows furrowed in anger—her balled fist, tensed at her sides. "You're wrong! I'm going to show you that you can love me. What so great about Emery anyway? She just some broken bitch seeking attention."
That pissed me off to no end. "Ali, get the fuck out of my room! I don't want you, and I never will!"
She huffed her breath, grabbed her silk robe from the floor, and stormed out, slamming my door in the process. I lean back in my chair and looking up at the ceiling as I swiveled back and forth. There was a light knock on my door. Damion peeked his head in the small crack in the door.
"Everything good, man. I just saw Ali, and she was..."
"Yeah. Everything's good." I was tired of living the effects of my mistakes. That's why I'm so determined not to make the same one again. Ali is a beautiful girl, but she's not for me. Now that her true colors are coming out, I can say for sure that she's not.
"She seemed pissed... and naked."
"It's not what you think. Ali wanted to sleep with me, but I'm not making that mistake again. I don't want anyone, but Emery."
"You don't have to explain anything to me."
"Yeah. I do." I resumed my position that I was in before Damion knocked on my door. "Could I ask you something?"
"Yeah, man." He walked in and sat on my bed. "What's up?"
I leaned forward, resting elbows on my knees, rubbing my frustrated hands together. "Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"
"One day, maybe." He shrugged his shoulders.
"I mean, forgive me as in one day we can be together again."
"I don't know. She could. Forgiveness is funny that way. You never know the amount of forgiveness someone will give. Maybe she will, maybe she won't," I chuckled. "I don't hold what you did against you. I get it. You're young and stupid, just getting into the relationship thing. I'm young and stupid, trying to figure things out. I don't agree with how you handled it, but you don't have to avoid me. Eli's another story." I laughed at that. Eli was a beast when she needed to be, and frankly, I was kind of scared of her.
"No problem. Just give Emery some time."
I nodded my head. I was tired of giving her time, but I had to. Ryan was right. We were selfish. Even after knowing everything that she went through, I added to her pain. I feel like a complete asshole. I will never forgive myself if she decides that she doesn't want me in her life.
I turned on my laptop so I can get started on my homework for my new business classes. I hate this crap, but she was worth it. I had to know that she was okay. After I had to switch my major, I lost the enthusiasm I felt when cooking. It didn't fulfill me how it used to, and I don't think it's because I no longer majored in it. I think I found my muse, someone that motivated me. I wanted to impress her, and now that she's gone, there's a void in my life. Nothing feels or tastes the same. I'm fucking miserable.