When I got back home, I was exhausted. I had a headache from all the crying I did back at the party and on the cab ride home. I was lightheaded, my eyes were blotchy, my face was stained with tears, and my chest ached; it was a constant pain that settled there, and it wouldn't go away.
I still couldn't come to terms with the fact that Preston broke up with me; I couldn't handle it. It hurt, like a part of me had been ripped out. He's been my best friend for so long and having him stripped from my life so suddenly was nearly unbearable. Worse, it had been my fault. If I had tried harder to push Carter off of me, if I had stopped him from kissing me, if I had just gone back inside or stayed with Preston and his friends, this probably wouldn't have happened. I didn't try hard enough and now Preston was gone and it was my fault.
And to make things worse, I could still feel Carter's hands on me, and his lips, and I hated the feeling. I felt gross and wrong. It kept playing in my head over and over and I just wanted to shut it out, rip the touch off my skin, but I couldn't. I couldn't erase the ghost of his touch and it pained me even more.
Tears threatened to blur my vision, but I pushed them back as I unlocked the door and stepped inside the house. The house was dark and empty. It was almost one in the morning and I could barely see in the dark house. I kicked off my shoes, hung up my coat, and headed up the dark staircase with the help of my phone light.
And when I found myself in our shared bedroom, and as my body hit the mattress, all I could do was cry again. In the bed that was Preston's, where his smell lingered. It made me sick to my stomach, crying this much. Everything hurt so much and I didn't know what to do with all this pain. I just couldn't hold it in.
His scent was all over the bed. On the pillows, the blankets; it all smelt like him. This room was his, and just being here made my heartburn into ash.
I didn't sleep that night.
When I woke up the next morning, I just wanted to go back to sleep to forget the events of the night before. I didn't end up falling asleep until almost four in the morning, and even then, it wasn't a deep sleep. It was merely surface level, where my mind was constantly going, thoughts racing, making it nearly impossible to sleep. And now, I was exhausted.
But I knew I wouldn't go back to bed. Not when I was still in my clothes, and I just felt disgusting in general, to the point where I wanted to scrub off a layer of skin. What's worse, was that I knew Preston didn't come back at all last night, because not once did he come into bed, and not once did I hear the front door open in the middle of the night. He just never came back, and that had me both worried and heartbroken at the same time.
I rolled over onto my stomach, resting my cheek against the pillow as I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. The time read nine in the morning, and I had no messages from Preston, but instead messages from Phoebe, Joseph, and Kourtney. But instead of checking them, I put my phone back down and with a heavy breath, I pulled myself out of bed.
I got myself into the shower and stood under the hot spray of water, washing away the makeup off my face and scrubbed at my skin hard enough for it to turn red. I didn't know how long I stayed in the shower, but it was surely close to forty-five minutes, and for that time I mostly just stood there, trying to not let my emotions fall and for tears to shed, because I didn't want to do that, not in front of my mom and Jackson at least.
And that was another thought that crept into my mind; what would I even say to them? What would we even do regarding the living situation? Preston and I shared his room, and if we weren't speaking, how was that even going to work? Would our parents' relationship strain thanks to ours?
Ugh, I had a headache just thinking about it. I couldn't do much cause Preston didn't want to talk to me, because he thinks I cheated. And that hurt.
"Good morning sweetheart, did you sleep well? How was the party?" My mom asked the moment I walked into the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed in a plain pink hoodie and lounge pants. She stood by the kitchen counter putting together the food for our cats and Kodey, still dressed in her pyjamas with her hair pulled into a messy bun. Jackson was also there, sitting at the kitchen table with a book, a cup of coffee, and a muffin.
"Uhm...it was okay," I replied dismissively. I briefly glanced around the kitchen and the living room, a slight frown on my face, "is...Preston not here?"
"No, he said he was staying at a friend's place for the weekend. Kind of sudden, but," Jackson shrugged, slightly pulling down his reading glasses as he looked up from the book he was reading. I nodded my head slowly.
"Is something wrong, Adrien?" My mom asked, concern in her tone.
"Ah...no. I just came in here to get cereal," I shook my head with a sigh. My mom frowned, but luckily, she didn't say anymore as I moved past her to the cabinet, where I grabbed myself a bowl, spoon, and a box of Cheerios.
I poured cereal into my bowl, and after pouring in the milk, I took my bowl of cereal back upstairs to the bedroom, where I spent the rest of my morning, sitting on the bed with my cereal while watching Netflix shows on my laptop. And the entire time, I couldn't help but think of Preston, him being a dark cloud that rained down on anything else that tried to creep into my thoughts.
"So, are you going to tell us what happened last night or what? Adrien's not answering his phone and you, well, you look ready to punch the shit out of someone."
Phoebe and Joseph were both looking over at me from across the kitchen island, a plate of cookies in front of them, and each wearing looks of concern and curiosity. Ever since I caught Adrien with Carter last night, my emotions have been on a high. I was angry, frustrated, and I was hurt. I couldn't believe that Adrien would betray me like that, and especially with Carter.
Adrien had been my best friend for years. I was so fucking in love with them, and having to watch him be intimate with someone that wasn't me, broke my fucking heart. It hurt so much; I didn't know what to do with all the pain that was wound up inside of me. It hurt so much that I couldn't bear to look at him, so I begged Joseph to let me stay at his house for the weekend. I didn't tell him nor did I tell Phoebe what happened yet. But they saw my bruised knuckles back at the party after I broke up with Adrien. It was fresh in my mind and I wanted to find Carter and punch him in the face again.
Fuck, I didn't know how I was going to go home again, especially with Adrien there. I didn't want to go home knowing that he was there. Because I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to see his face either.
I released a heavy sigh. I ran my fingers through my damp hair, having just used Joseph's shower, and sat down at the island counter with them.
"I saw Adrien kissing Carter at the party."
"What?!" Phoebe exclaimed, eyes wide in shock, "what the fuck? Are you serious??"
"Yea I'm serious. You know when I left to go look for him because I thought he was taking too long? Yeah, it's because he was busy making out with Carter fucking Alinsky," I grumbled, reaching over and stealing a couple of Oreos off the plate.
"Shit, I can't believe Adrien would do that," Joseph frowned, "are you okay?"
"No, my heart is in fucking pieces right now."
"Awe, hun," Phoebe got up from her seat at the island and walked around to where I was sitting, and pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged her back just as tight, tears threatening to fill my eyes but I didn't let them fall. I had done a lot of crying in the shower this morning and I'd prefer to not be so emotional, "it'll be okay. I'm sorry this happened. I know how much Adrien meant to you. You don't deserve this."
"It just sucks, you know? Adrien meant the world to me. Fuck, I was seriously considering a future with him; I don't care how young we are to think like that. I cared about him so much," I mumbled shakily, hugging Phoebe tighter. She didn't say anything and instead listened to me ramble, her hand rubbing up and down my back soothingly.
"It does suck. Why don't we just relax today? You know, order in some snacks and have a movie marathon? I'm sure you can use a bit of distraction. But of course, if you want to keep talking, Joseph and I will listen."
Joseph agreed, "Yea, definitely. We're here for you when you need it, and I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind if you were to want to stay at my place for a few days. I know it would be hard going home now that you and Adrien live together."
"Thanks, guys...I really appreciate it," and I really did. These two were my closest friends next to Adrien. Phoebe had been the first person to know of my crush, and she had been the one I confided in for anything really.
"Of course, anything for you!" Phoebe smiled as she pulled back, "now, forget about Adrien. You can do better than him. Let's watch some movies and chill."
And we did. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with Phoebe and Joseph in the basement, doing nothing but snacking on junk food and watching a marathon of movies. And while the distraction was nice, and I was grateful for the two of them to help distract me, Adrien was still there, in the back of my mind, reminding me of the pain that buried itself in my chest.
And I don't think the pain would ever fully go away.