Is This Love Book 1: Questioning Yourself

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Chapter 10: The Decision

What is happening to me? I would have never done anything like this two weeks ago. I was so sure of myself then and now I’m completely lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am Ileana; but I’m not the Ileana I’m used to waking up as.

Why can’t I get up? I feel so helpless right now. What I just experienced was the best thing I’ve ever felt. I am now in emotional turmoil because of it. If I could just get up off the ground and...and do what? Go to Sam to figure myself out? Talk with her about what I’m feeling? I mean I don’t even really know who she is. I hardly know her, but I know my feelings for her. They are there, she makes me feel.

I want to get to know her. How could she make me come undone so quickly? What is going on between us? I’m not gay...but I obviously have a thing for her and I can’t help but want to stay close to her. I’ve always been independent but I don’t want to be now. I want Samantha’s guidance.

“Hey, are you okay?” Samantha asks as she walks back into the bathroom.

“Yeah, I just don’t know what’s going on with me.”

“Talk to me about it.” She says as she plops down next to me.

“I was my first time. It was great...but my mind is not right. Why do you have to be a girl?”

“Well, I was born a female and I like myself very much because of it. What are you getting at?”

“I’m not saying I don’t like that you’re a woman. I mean my mind would be at ease if you were a guy because that is what is normal and it’s supposed to be that way.” I explain.

“Ah, so if I were a guy, you’d be able to accept it and move on with life normally?”

“, I don’t know.”

“What is the normal life that you want?” She asks.

“I don’t want a normal life. That would be like my parents, but I’m not like them. My head would agree easier if I was a normal person in our society. I see my parents’ life and I know it’s not for me. I won’t be satisfied living like they do.”

“Well, I think what you’re getting at is you like-like girls, which is not normal, so you think it’s bad? And you don’t want to take over the family farm.” Samantha tries to dumb it down.

“Yes, I guess that is it.”

“Let me tell you this hun, every society is different. You can’t choose which one you were born into. There has been romantic relationships between same sex people since the beginning of time. It is a part of life and it is certainly difficult to be different from the majority of society. It doesn’t make it wrong though. If everyone wore pants and you wanted to wear shorts, is it wrong? Of course not. But some people will tell you it’s wrong and others will look down upon you for it. But your life is your choice. Just be yourself and you will be happier than if you weren’t.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Why does everything she says make sense? Why is it so hard to believe though? Yes, I am not normal and it doesn’t mean that I am wrong. I am just different and people don’t like different. But is this who I am? Am I a lesbian? I think so, but I’ve only been attracted to Sam. Wait, that’s not true. If I think about it...there are many women I find attractive. I just ignored all of it before Sam. Can I live with myself if I was gay? I’ve never been different before. What will everyone think? Maybe this is just a silly crush and it will pass on its own.

“So will you be a happy lesbian with me?” Samantha asks in a humorous tone.

“How did you know I liked girls when you met me? I didn’t even know I did.” Was that her way of asking me out? She asked if I’d be a happy lesbian with her. I should see what she meant by that.

“I have a knack for picking these types of things out.” She said cheerfully. “Are you ready to get up?”

“Yeah. What did you mean by asking if I’d be a happy lesbian with you? Do you want to continue seeing me? Like dating me?” I ask before I forget and the subject changes.

“I do like you a lot, Ileana. I’m new to the whole dating thing though. I was simply asking if you would be your happy self around me.”

“Ah, I see.” I’m saddened by her response but I also understand it. I don’t think I’m ready to date right now anyways.

Sam helps me up and walks me to the closet. “There’s so much to choose from. I don’t know what to pick.”

“Sit back and relax. I’m up for this challenge.” She jokes.

Samantha picked out a navy blue skirt and a white blouse for me to wear. There was also matching black satin bra and underwear.

“Won’t the black bra show through the shirt?” I question the color.

“Yes, yes it will. But only slightly. It will be for my pleasure that you wear it.”

How could I say no to that? This is out of my comfort zone. I’m not that girly and I never show my undergarments. I am not the provocative type and this would be showing my bra to everyone who gets close enough. She wants me to wear it for her though. At least I will be fully dressed, people will only see the contrast in colors. I will do this for her.

I grab the clothes and put them on in the bathroom. “What are the plans for today?” I holler through the closed door.

“We will have a light lunch at a restaurant that has many great reviews, and then we will go to a resort on the ocean for a better view.”

“That sounds amazing. I’ve never seen the ocean in person before.”

“I’m glad I can provide you with that first as well. Hopefully, there will be a lot more to come.”

I smile. I wonder what other firsts I can experience with her. They have all been great so far: kissing, flying, traveling, sex. Soon it will be the ocean and much more. I’m glad she is talking about the future. It means she likes me and wants to be with me in hers.

“Are you ready?” Sam asks when I exit the bathroom fully dressed.

“Yeah! I’m super excited!” We leave the hotel and go to the restaurant.


“You weren’t kidding about the light lunch, were you?” I say as our meal was almost done. The first course was a small fruit salad. The second was a quarter of a sandwich. The third course was about 10 bites of soup. “How much do all these little courses cost anyways?”

“You probably don’t want to know. The price of the food also includes the atmosphere and no interruptions.”

“That makes sense. It is quite peaceful for a restaurant.”

Samantha’s phone rings. She swiftly puts it on silent and ignores the call. She places the phone face up on the table. It continues to ring and she ignores it again. Her phone lights up for the third time.

“Will you excuse me for a second?”

“Yeah, no problem.” I respond. It must be something urgent since they kept calling.

“What?” Samantha answers the phone strictly and quietly. “Ah... How could you let that happen?...No, no.... Don’t call the police. Bring her to my office and wait with her until I arrive.” She hangs up the phone.

“I’m sorry dear, it seems there is an emergency and I must return to Las Vegas to handle it. We will have to take a rain check on the resort.”

“That’s okay, whatever you need to do, please do.” I say. I am a little bummed that we won’t be going to the ocean. However, she has done so much for me. And she has already spent an insane amount of money on this short getaway. How could I be mad at her after all she has done?

“Let’s go.” Samantha says while getting up and walking to the door.

I take one last bite of my soup and follow after her.

The driver takes us straight to the airport and we board her jet. This time I’m not quite as scared and I know Sam will be there to comfort me every step of the way.

Shit, I still have my stuff in the hotel room. That’s not good. “I still have stuff in the hotel room.” I say to Samantha as the staircase folds up and the door closes, sealing us into the aircraft.

“I’m sure it’s already on the way to your house. Bev is great at what she does.”

“Thanks. She must be a good worker. What is the emergency, if I can ask?”

“It’s nothing. Just an incident at one of my businesses.” She says coldly.

Samantha was distracted and only responded with one word answers the whole flight.

“The car will take you home. I’ll talk with you soon.” Samantha says as she opens the door to the plane, failing to wait for the hired stewardess to do so. I am kind of upset. She seems so cold and it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t know what happened but I do know that it wasn’t nothing.

I walk past Samantha to exit the plane. She grabs my hand and I turn to look at her. She smiles and gives me a quick kiss when she steps away, her somber expression returns.

At least I got a kiss, so I am a tiny bit on her mind. I wonder if she will ever tell me what happened.


“How much time do you think she needs?” I ask Jack as we hop off the rusty red tractor and walk towards the field.

“I don’t know. Something big obviously happened on both of your parts. You just had the best days of your life with her and it was ruined by something that affected her badly. I’m sure she will contact you soon. It has only been one day.”

“Yeah, but I just hate waiting and not knowing!”

“I know you do, we all do. You know you could solve it by calling or texting her.”

“I don’t want to sound needy. When I left the plane, I’m sure the kiss was an afterthought. Whatever happened was way more important than me.” We reach our hangout spot and I sit down in the padded grass.

“I doubt that Ily. And I’m sure she’s probably going through some emotions of her own. Relationships aren’t about one person. Your relationship with Sam is new and needs to be developed. Things will smooth out the more you talk.” He explains while taking a seat next to me.

“Aren’t you just the relationship expert!” I joke.

My phone vibrates. “I bet that’s her!” Jack says as he lays down in the field. We always have our deepest conversations sitting with nothing but nature around us.

I lay next to him and check the message:


It was a shame that our time had to be cut short. I hope your items will arrive today or tomorrow at the latest. If you get a moment, I would like to talk with you about the future. Please call me when you are available.


“Ooh, I was right! I can tell by your smile. What did she say?” Jack hounds me as he sits, trying to read over my shoulder.

“She wants me to call and talk about the future.” I push him out of view from the screen.

“That sounds promising! You better call her.”

“Yeah, I will. I don’t know what this means though. It could mean anything.” I say.

“You’re never going to find out if you don’t call. I’ll even give you some privacy.” He stands and walks to the tractor and next to it while waiting for me to signal I’m done.

I stare at my phone for a minute wondering if I should call. I take a deep breath and press the button.

“Hello, Ileana.” Samantha answers playfully.


“I was thinking about us and we do live pretty far away from each other. I travel a lot but usually not to Iowa.”

Oh no, this is it. This is going to be bad. She’s going to break up with me. But we aren’t even dating. Is that a break-up?

“Yeah, we do live far apart.” I say, confirming her statement.

“I think I have a solution. You can go to college here at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. They have an anthropology degree that can help you become an archaeologist in the future.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much. College will be so expensive and that’s far from home.”

“You own part of a business now. You should be able to afford college on your own no problem. And I can arrange housing for you.”

“That is tempting. I will have to think about it.”

“The semester begins in 2 weeks. I can speak with admissions and get you in if that is what you want. You probably should decide sooner than later. The best part is you will be able to see me a lot more.” She says, sounding proud of her plan.

“You make a good case. I’ll let you know when I decide.”

“I look forward to it.” Samantha says and hangs up.

“So, what did she want?” Jack asks as soon as I lower my phone.

“You were supposed to wait away from here! And she wants me to move to Vegas and go to college.”


I pace through the grass and think for a few moments. “I think I am going to. I don’t want to be trapped and stuck working on the farm my whole life. And apparently, I’ll be able to afford it. She bought me a business, did I tell you that? So now I am making money doing nothing, I guess.” I let out a sigh.

“Yes, you told me all about your exciting days. And it is crazy how loaded she is. I think it will be good for you. Now we will both be going away to college in a week!”

“Oh jeez, that soon? I haven’t even applied or told my parents.” I explain.

“You should probably do that.”


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