Is This Love Book 1: Questioning Yourself

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Chapter 5: The Conversation

The last few days have been a constant battle in my mind. I am so lost. The last thing Samantha said was that she can’t wait to see me again. Yet, I haven’t heard from her. Not even a simple text saying ‘hey’. How can someone who can’t wait, not do anything about it? I thought for sure she would have text me. She seemed interested in me. Maybe I made it all up in my head. That would explain everything. There’s nothing going on. Nothing to worry about. I can continue life normally.

But that kiss. It had to mean something. I can’t forget about that. Her lips were so soft against mine. And I felt something...passion? Desire? Lust? Love? What is this feeling? I yearn for her lips against mine again. I need to be in her presence.

No, I don’t need, I want. You can’t need someone. This is dumb. She’s just another person. The world is full of them. Why am I so drawn to her? I don’t even know her. Her hold on me is that of the unknown.

She must be from another world. She’s an alien and is luring me for food. I can’t help but feel pulled to her because she is manipulating my thoughts through extraterrestrial telecommunications. Nah, she can’t be an alien. They don’t exist right? Well at least not on earth.

I’m worried about her. Why would I be worried? I’ve only hung out with her a handful of hours. Why hasn’t she called or texted me? She does have my number. But I haven’t called or texted her either. Maybe she is waiting for me to contact her. But she’s so confident. She seems to be in control of everything, especially her life. If she felt something for me, she would have said something by now.

Maybe it was all just a game. Maybe she preys on the weak. But I’m not weak. I am strong. Stronger than most people. However, she makes me feel so weak. Why did I feel weak around her? I’m scared, why am I scared. Am I afraid of her? No...I’m not afraid of her...I’m afraid of me. I’m afraid of how she makes me feel. I’m afraid that she doesn’t feel the same. I’m afraid I won’t be enough...enough for what? What did I want? I have no clue. I want to talk with her and find out what this is. Maybe we have a connection.

We can’t have a connection. She’s a woman. She is from somewhere else; you can definitely tell by her accent. Maybe where she’s from, it’s normal to kiss people and she just wants to be friends. She can’t wait to hang out because we will become friends. That’s got to be it.

But I can’t be just friends with her. There’s something there. Something more. Why? Why is this so confusing? My life has been different since I met her. I can’t go back to my prior self. Something has changed. I don’t know what. But something is off.

Ugh, I need to talk to someone. I pick up my phone from the nightstand and call Jack. I lay back in bed, pull the light blue comforter up to my nose and wait for him to answer.

“I can’t stand this!” I say to Jack when he picks up my call.

“Stand what?”

“Waiting. I’m driving myself insane. It’s been three days since I’ve heard anything from Samantha.” I explain and sink further into my pillow.

“Well, she is here for business. She’s probably just super busy.”

“Even if she is super busy, it takes like two seconds to send a text!”

“Well, have you texted her?” He asks in an accusatory tone.

“No. I wouldn’t know what to say. I have no clue what’s going on, or if anything is going on. It may just be nothing. How can I know?”

“Well do you feel nothing?”

“No, I feel a lot of things. That’s the problem.”

“Then it’s not nothing, you should text or call and see what’s going on. There is no sense driving yourself crazy with endless possibilities.” He reasons calmly.

“Maybe you’re right. What would I even say to her though? There’s no way I could talk on the phone. I will have to send a text.”

“I would just tell her the main points on your mind. Don’t make it seem like you’re crazy or anything. But you need to talk to her about stuff.”

“Yeah, thanks Jack. I suppose I will send one. Is it too late? It’s like 10 pm.” I ask.

“No it’s not too late. If she’s already asleep, you will get your answer tomorrow, hopefully. Let me know how everything goes. Good luck, Ily. I’m rooting for you!”

“Thanks. I will.” I hang up the phone and keep it open in my hand.

I stare at the screen wondering what I should text. I start the same text over fifteen times and finally decide it won’t get any better than this try:

‘Hey, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. It’s been a few days and I thought I would have heard from you by now. I know you are probably crazy busy at work. What do you do for work? If I may ask? I hope to hear from you soon.’

There.That seems calm and collected. Now the hardest part, waiting for a response. I hope it comes soon. I lie in bed and zone while looking at the tiny screen. My phone vibrates and I jolt awake. I must have dozed off a little, how long was I asleep? My phone continues to vibrate and I look at it. It’s almost midnight and she’s calling me, I don’t know if I should answer, but I have to hear from her. I go against my best judgment and answer the phone.

“Hello.” I say, sounding groggy with a yawn.

“Why hello, Ileana. You seem tired. Did I wake you?” She asks in an alertness that should be ungodly at this hour.

“Not really. Why did you call? Most people just text.”

“Well, I find it easier to communicate by talking. Texts can be interpreted so many different ways and you never know if someone is available.” She explains.

“That makes sense. So, what did you want to talk about then?”

“Well, I thought you might be interested in learning about my work. Would you like to join me tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’d love to. What should I wear? What time should I be ready? Where should I meet you?” I rattle off all of the questions I would need to know the information to.

“I will send a car for you at 10 am. You should wear something business casual.”

“Sounds good, I will text you my address. If I didn’t text you, would you have called or talked to me?” I ask as the thought comes to my head. Way to put it out there Ileana.

“I’m sure I would have. I was planning to call you tomorrow when I had a little free time. Why, have you been missing me?” She says, sounding seductive.

“Well...it’s just...I uh didn’t know what to think. Our last meeting had me confused.”

“Oh, well, what are you confused about, dear?” She says cheerfully.

“Everything.” I respond. There is no way I can tell her the truth. What if the kiss meant nothing to her?

“I suppose that would make things difficult. Is there anything specific I can help with?” She prods and you can hear her amusement.

“Well, yes.” I say, “But I don’t know how to say it.” I quickly add. She has to know what’s bugging me. She sounds like she knows and just wants me to say it. What if I’m reading this wrong? What if she has no clue what I’m confused about.

“I’d prefer you say it with words. I mean you could demonstrate it with actions also. But I wouldn’t be able to understand them unless I can see you. If that’s what you would like, I can be there in five minutes. I’m already on my way.”

“I haven’t text you my address yet...how do you know where I am?” I ask concerned. She also knew my name without me telling her. Is she some kind of stalker? Oh boy, this could be bad.

“I suppose it would seem weird that I know. I like to keep myself informed on everything that I can. When I first met you, I was intrigued, so I had my guy run your truck plates.”

That’s still kind of creepy, but if I had access to that kind of thing, I would probably use it also. “I guess you can come over, since you’re already almost here.” I say trying to hide my excitement.

“See you in a few, Ileana.” She says and the line disconnects. I don’t think I will ever get used to her accent. Her voice is even great on the phone.

I lower my phone and text Jack:

‘She’s coming over! XD’

‘No way!’ The response comes almost immediately.

‘Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking! She should be here soon’ I send the text and then I try cleaning my room as fast as I can.

‘You mean she’s coming over tonight?!? It’s like midnight...’

‘Get your head out of the gutter Jack. It’s just to chat.’ I threw my phone on the pillow. Was it just to chat? I never really asked why she’s coming tonight. Wasn’t I going to see her tomorrow? What does she have in mind for tonight? Oh no...What is wrong with me? I’m so stupid. How could I have agreed to this?

Well I do want to see her. Blood rushes to my face as I blush. What if we kiss again?

Stop thinking like that. It will not help. She’s almost here. Is she going to ring the doorbell? My parents are probably asleep. I should meet her at the door so we don’t wake them. I should probably change also. I’m wearing a tank top and pajama pants. I walk over to my closet and start carefully searching so I don’t make a mess.

*Knock, knock, knock.* Dang she’s here already. I quietly go down the stairs and open the door. “Shh my parents are sleeping.” I say as I take a good look at her.

She is wearing skinny jeans and a solid maroon V-neck shirt. Wow, she looks like a regular person. I thought she would be all fancied up.

“Come in, leave your shoes, and follow me.” I say as I lead her to the kitchen first. “Do you want something to drink?” I ask as I open the fridge to look at what we have.

“I’ll take a glass of water. Thanks.”

I get two glasses of water and show the way upstairs to my room. “My parents are on the first floor, so we shouldn’t bother them being up here.” All of a sudden I get extremely nervous...I am sneaking someone into my room in the middle of the night! I never thought that would happen. Oh gods, what am I going to do? We should have just chilled in the living room. That might have woken my parents, but then it’s just a friend over to talk. What if we talk about things my parents can’t hear? What if it’s more than talking? Oh no...Well I guess it’s too late now to abort the plan.

When we get to my room, I turn on the light and set the waters on the nightstand. “Sorry my room’s not very big, or interesting.”

“It’s cute.” She says and takes a drink of water and looks around. “Where shall I sit?”

I look over my room and realize the bench under my bay window is full of boxes. “Well, the only place to really sit is the bed. So I guess there, unless you want to sit on the floor.”

“The bed is fine.” She says while she sits at the head of the bed and watches me.

I guess we both have to be on the bed now. I blush and sit on the opposite side of the bed. “So what’s up?”

“I was in the area and figured I would stop by. I know you’d like to speak with me about some things and I would like to clarify some stuff as well.”

“Why didn’t you wait till tomorrow?” I blurt out. Why do I always end up shouting my thoughts at her? Can’t I keep my pondering to myself? It would make things so much easier.

“We would not be able to talk alone and I enjoy seeing the home you grew up in.” She says gesturing around her.

“It’s not much. But it’s all the love and support I’ve needed.”

“Hmm, well, what would you like to ask me?”

There are so many questions I could ask. Which ones first? What is most important? I look away from her, “What are we? Like, what is the game plan? We are practically strangers but you kissed me.”

“What would you like to be?” She asks me a question instead of answering.

“I don’t know.” I respond honestly.

“Then I suppose our relationship is under unclassified terms. Practically strangers, but maybe more? I’m not a fan of labels. I just like to live.” She explains.

“So, just living is kissing random people?” I frown and feel a little hurt by her last statement.

“Oh no dear, not random. Once I met you, you became more than a random person. And for the kiss, I could see your desire and frustration. I knew I could help, so I kissed you.”

“So, it was just because I was frustrated? It meant nothing to you?” I question and start feeling worse. Why am I getting sad? We aren’t anything more than a couple people who have shared a handful of conversations. Am I sad because it’s not what I want? What do I want? Do I want more than friendship?

“No, that’s not what I meant. Don’t be sad.” She slides next to me and moves my hair from my face. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”

I blush and look at her. She is so beautiful. How could someone look like this and want to kiss me? For some reason she is not as intimidating tonight. It’s like she let her guard down a little. It could be her casual clothing.

She puts her hand on my cheek and I close my eyes at the warmth of her palm. “And I will kiss you again, now.” My heart races faster than I thought was possible. I keep my eyes closed and I feel the mattress shift with her weight being adjusted.

Her kiss is light and airy. I let out a partial sigh. She moves her head away and I peek to find her looking at me with a smile. “You enjoyed that, didn’t you?”

“Yes.” I open my eyes fully and look into hers. I feel free as my gaze gets trapped inside her grey eyes. Her eyes compel me closer and I kiss her. She responds by kissing a little more intensely than I expected. I pull away, catch my breath, and look down.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this.” I like kissing her too much. It’s not supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to like it. I actually kissed her...on my own. I can’t believe it!

“What can’t you do? This thing between us has no strings, no obligation, and no commitment. Live and enjoy. Enjoy my company as I do yours. Let your mind be free of worry.” She tries to calm my doubting mind.

“If only it were only that easy. This is the first real attraction I’ve had in my life. And it just so happens to be to you-a woman. It’s wrong and shouldn’t be happening. Yet, it is!” I angrily hit my hands on the bed and lay down with my face mushed in the pillow.

Samantha runs her hand over my back. “It’s okay.” She says comfortingly. “People are taught different things and we believe them until we learn and experience otherwise. So far in your life, being straight was the only thing you knew. Now your mind is conflicting with your heart. It may take a while to realize or understand, but love and attraction towards a woman is not wrong.” She speaks with words that hit me and I start to understand.

“I suppose. But it may take a while to overcome.” I let out a big yawn that brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t realize how exhausted I am. It must be all of these new feelings and emotions.

“I can wait a while.” Samantha soothes me and continues to rub my back until I fall asleep.














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