(1) Stress balls
“Uhhh, what the hell is this?” I walk over to my desk and see a white, clear-ish goo all over my desk, that looks suspiciously like cum.
I grab the nearest trash can and I vomit into it the Jimmy dean sandwich I ate this morning.
“What the fuck?!” I yell after cleaning myself off and stare at the goo in disbelief.
The door to my office creek’s open and my boss Lorenzo walks in looking as gorgeous as ever in his black tailored suit, tan skin, gray eyes, black hair slicked back, and that delicious smelling cologne. Too bad he’s a player, and arrogant or I would have actually liked him. Hell... I would have banged him, but all I wanna do is bang him with a book.
“What the hell is going on in here Nala? I can hear your screaming from my office.”
I point to the cum as I glare at him.
It takes him a minute to actually understand what it is I’m pointing at. I can see a little laugh threatening to escape his lips.
“Well, well, well, I’m not sure why you would have sex in your office Nala, or why you wouldn’t use a condom but Ummm... I’ll have someone clean that up right away.”
I stare at him in shock, mouth hung open.
“Oh no, no... Do you think I did this Lorenzo?! How about we run a DNA test and find out who came all over my desk?”
I look at him with a raised eyebrow, insinuating that it was him when suddenly Charlie my assistant bargains in through my door, with a guilty look on his face.
“Hello, Mis. Romana, I wanted to get here before you did because I accidentally spilled some of my hair serum all over your desk. I apologize for that.”
He rushes past me with some napkins and cleans off my desk.
Lorenzo and I share a look of embarrassment as we both try to hide our laughter.
I bite my lip to keep any sound from coming out. I can’t believe I just accused my boss of cumming all over my desk, but to be fair he accused me of having sex in my office. I have the cleanest record, I would never do anything like that!
Lorenzo on the other hand definitely has banged a few chicks in his office and I know this because I’ve walked in on him a few times. ‘Oops, I guess I forgot to knock,’ is what I always say. I should just make a damn t-shirt out of it.
“Um, Charlie thank you, you can leave now.” I tell him, and give him the, ‘we need to talk later,’ look, but hide it with a smile.
“Okay, I’ll see ya later Mis. Romana.”
He walks out of the door and I spin towards Lorenzo. Holding my hands up in defense.
“Listen, Lorenzo, you have to understand that it really looked like cum, I didn’t mean to accuse you.”
He gives me an amused smirk.
“I will admit I was getting a little jealous thinking you were getting laid more the I am in this long-ass month.”
“Wait... you’re not mad at me?” I ask him and he shrugs.
“I’m not an asshole Nala, I would never cum all over your desk. At least not without cleaning it afterward.”
He starts laughing and I throw a pen at him, which he dodges.
“That’s not funny, that’s gross!”
“It’s a little funny, also I have more work for you to do today Nala.”
Okay, let me just keep stacking more work on my desk enough that people would have to stand on a chair in order to see me.
He hands me yet another folder of things to do, which is most likely things that he needs to do himself.
“Okay boss man.”
“Oh and could you send a sorry letter to that woman I brought in a few weeks ago, she wants to see me again, but I’m just not interested.”
I try and hide my frustration.
I’ll give you a sorry letter.
“Fine,” I say, and shoo him away.
“Your the best, Nala. Muah” he blows me a kiss that I catch and throw in the recycling bin. He pretends to be heartbroken but then winks and walks out.
I need a new damn job.
I sit down and start doing a bunch of paperwork. My eyes start shutting stubbornly and I ask Charlie for the 5th coffee today.
“Charlie, could you get Mr. Canes on the phone? I need to let him know Lorenzo is not interested in doing business with him.”
“Yes ma’am, and could I get you another coffee, Mis. Ramona?”
I shake my head at him.
“No thanks. I’m going to need something stronger like cocaine.”
Charlie looks at me like I’ve lost my shit.
“I’m just kidding Charlie. Just bring me my stress balls.”
He clears his throat nervously.
“The ones you had me order on Amazon, that look like actual human balls?”
I nod. “Yes those, I usually leave them in my locker.”
He nods and heads out. When he comes back he hands me my rubber stress balls, that I like to imagine are my bosses ball, as I sink my nails into them.
I start squeezing the balls as I type his 2nd sorry letter this week.
By the end of the day I have almost everything finished, and I place all of the work on his desk. He sits behind it swiping away at his phone frowning.
Do I dare ask?
“What wrong, boss?” I ask leaning over his desk to see what he’s looking at. Of course... tinder.
“It’s just all the woman on this damn app are either only interested in my money, or my body. It makes me feel less of a human honestly.”
Wow... He actually sounds somewhat vulnerable. This is a side of him I rarely see.
“It sounds to me like you want to find your true love Lorenzo.”
He tilts his head at me.
“Who me? Nah.”
“Yes, you. What are you? Some secret romantic under all of that playboy?”
He tries to deny it but I see a blush crossing his face.
“Stop teasing me before I confiscate those stress balls you love so much.” He points to my hand that is still holding the balls and I quickly put them away in my peruse.
“Do you want my advice or not boss?”
He looks at me curiously.
“Okay let’s hear it Nala.”
I sit down in the chairs in front of his desk.
“First thing is first. You gotta stop hoping to find love on an app like tinder. You gotta actually go out there like the old school days and meet women in person. And stop looking for love at a night club, go to a library, or a coffee shop, or even that cute little flower shop next door. And for fucks sakes do not mention that you are a billionaire. Dress casually, act humble and perhaps you will find a decent woman.”
He looks like he is absorbing all of the information, then looks at me thoughtfully.
“You know Nala... you’re pretty good at this relationship advice thing.”
“Thanks, but my shift ended 30 minutes ago, so I’ll see you tomorrow bossman.” I salute him as I walk out of his office.