My eyes stare at the envelope in hand, my heart stopping and my mind racing. It has been two years, two years without a word, a call, or even a letter. But here it is, something I had been dying for at one point, but now that I no longer need that reassurance in my life; it's here.
Fr/ Cameron Wilder
Illinois State Prison
Why now? Of all the time I waited for him to reach out, he chose now? When I have finally moved on with my life and started going forward with things, that's when Cameron decides to reach out?
Two years ago he was sentenced for a 5 year term in prison because he nearly killed a guy for raping his sister. He had ever right to kill him, or beat him to a pulp so I supported him. Stupidly, I stuck by him through everything.
After Cameron has been sentenced he refused to see me or talk to me, he completely shut me out. For so long I was angered by his decision and held onto resentment. He forced me to step back, to abandon him when I wanted nothing more than to be there and wait. I would have waited for him, I planned on waiting for him to get out of prison so we could figure out what we were. We could have been something great, I know that much.
Cameron brought out the wild side of me and I grounded him the way he needed to be grounded for so long. We balanced each other out and for a moment I thought it could have worked.
I was stupid.
I can still remember the day Cameron walked away from me in the court room with his hands cuffed, looking at the guard and saying "You fuck someone once and they won't leave you alone."
He broke me before he left me so I wouldn't want to be near him, but it failed because I continued to try for months and months, until one day I sat in the prison waiting room for hours just staring at the clock and wondering why I'm wasting my time with someone who doesn't care about me the way I deserve.
I made the mistake of waiting months for Cameron and after finally deciding to move on with my life I found great things. I got accepted to university and I've been studying to become a teacher for the past year and I'm happy. I'm succeeding and I'm happy.
"I'm succeeding and I'm happy," I say to myself as I look in the mirror, gripping the envelop in my hand and tossing it in the garbage next to the table.
"What's that?" A male voice asks me.
Isaac, my boyfriend, takes off his coat and sets it on my sofa before walking towards me. I shake my head and blow off the idea of the letter, "Nothing important. Just junk mail and coupons."
It has already started, Cameron entering my life and me lying. Just like before, it has been less than five minutes since I received the letter in the mail and without reading it I had already done something I hadn't done in years since Cameron was arrested. Lying about something small and allowing it to become something bigger.
Isaac rests his hands on my waist and leans down to give me a kiss. We have been together for eight months now, he makes me feel secure and loved. I love him, for the first time in my life I'm with someone sensible, someone loyal and not some bad boy that cares only about himself.
Nothing is going to sway my love for Isaac. No one is going to interfere with the life I'm working hard to build for myself.
Not even Cameron Wilder.