I don't know what I'm doing or how exactly to put words down onto the page. Every time I put the tip of my pen down to write out my thoughts.. my mind goes completely blank.
How in the hell am I supposed to do this? Millions of people have put their words and feelings on paper but for some reason, I just can't.
After a full hour of trying to vent, I chuck my pen across the room and drop my head into my hands. Tears leak from my eyes through my fingers and yet my body feels completely numb.
They say it's better to have loved at all then to never have loved at all.
What a load of shit!
I never would've felt this way if I had just stayed at home that night. I never would have met him and I would probably be happy.
Our entire relationship plays in my head and I can feel my chest restricting in agony. A sob leaps from my lungs and I stumble to my bed. I have never felt this way before. No one told me a broken heart would seemingly shatter your entire world.
After a while my pillow is soaked but my eyes have finally dried. I still feel numb but my stomach does a loud rumble and I remember that I haven't eaten anything today.
I get up from bed and pass my floor length mirror without so much as glance in its direction. I know I look like I've been hit by a train. There's no reason to make myself feel worse about it.
Mom hears me coming down the stairs and distracts herself with the dishes, trying not to stare at my blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. She knew Blaze and I had broken up, but we weren't really openly close to each other so I spared her the details.
"Finally came down for some food, huh?" She gives me a little smile. "There's some leftover lasagna in the fridge from lunch."
She gives me a kiss on the top of my head and leaves the kitchen, giving me some space I suppose. I get the food out and put some on a plate to microwave. Once it's done the microwave beeps and at the same time so does my phone.
I sit my food down next to my supper and check my phone while I eat. It's a text from Eloise.
Hey bitch! Come over. We've got to get you out of that house.
A small smile passes over my lips and slightly shake my head. I guess if there's one way to heal a broken heart...
Sounds tempting... what's in it for me? Lol
It only takes a few seconds for El's reply.
I've got some drink and a hell of a lot of smoke with YOUR name on it. Dane please come over. It's not the same with you not here!
My smile gets even bigger. I guess that would definitely take my mind off of Blaze. I scarf down the rest of my lasagna and shoot El a reply.
You got me. I'll be on my way in 10. I love you xo
I run up the stairs and jump on my desk chair. There's no way I can leave the house looking like a squall bag. I powder my eyes and bags and fix up my eyebrows. There's no need to get all fixed up but not looking cute isn't an option. I put on mascara and look critically at myself in the mirror. Good enough.
I decide to just wear my go to black leggings and a t-shirt. Hopefully we'll just be at El's house but even if we do leave I don't look my absolute worst.
"Mom, I'm going to El's house and will probably be staying the night." I yell while racing down the stairs. I slip on my shoes and tug on my light jacket for convenience.
"Alright sweetie. Text me and let me know when you get there. I love you!"
"Love you too!"
And I'm out the door.
It takes roughly about fifteen minutes to get to El's house. The entire ride there I try to listen to happy music but my tear ducts betray me.
Why can't I stop thinking about him?
Issues by Julian Micheals comes on and I feel a tug at my heart. My stomach sinks to the floor of my car and my throat clenches, suddenly dry.
Four months earlier...
"Blaze! This song is so us!" I plop myself down on Blaze's lap and push the speaker of my phone towards his ear. While he's listening closely he absentmindedly plays with my soft brown hair.
"Sooo what do you think?" I smile up at him looking into his brilliant blue-hazel eyes.
"I think you're absolutely right. I'll always be here for you baby." He leans down, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. Before he can fully sit up though I grab the back for his head and kiss his lips.
Every kiss we share, whether it be soft and gentle or hard and passionate, causes butterflies to erupt in my stomach. I peck him once more and then hop off his lap.
"Let's go smoke."
I slam my car into park and quickly gather my things. Without even bothering to knock, I bust through the front door.
"I NEED A FUCKING SHOT AND A BLUNT!"
El jumps to her feet with her hands in the air way above her head.
"Ayyy lets get this party started!"
Not long after music starts up I shed my jacket, knowing the liquor will heat my body. Trina, El's girlfriend, brings me my first shot of the night along with one for herself.
"Here's to you bitch."
El turns the corner and instantly puts her hands on her hips.
"You guys didn't include me in the first shot?!" Trina's hands raise in surrender and she back away.
"I'll pour some more and you can take two. That way we will all be even." With that she quickly leaves and El bursts out laughing.
She walks over to me and hugs my neck. My arms wrap around her and I sigh a breath of relief. I really missed my best friend. Before I know it the emotions take over and tears are streaking down my face.
El takes notice and grabs me by the cheeks.
"Listen here Dane. Tonight there's to be no more fucking feelings, okay? Let's just have a good time." I quickly nod my head and she wipes my tears. Just in time for Trina to come back with all of our shots on a tray.
We clink our shot glasses together and throw our drinks back. The vodka is bitter but I ignore the taste.
"Now how about a blunt with a mixed drink?" Before either El or I can say anything, Trina scurries off to roll up. El takes me by the hand into the kitchen as she mixes all of our drinks.
Drinks in hand, I decide it's time to take over position as DJ and grab El's phone that's plugged into the speakers. I know the perfect song to brighten the mood right now.
The first chords start up and El jumps up.
Rack city bitch
Rack rack city bitch
We both start to dance to the song and halfway through Trina comes back laughing at us and taking pictures. I can feel the two shots and couple sips of vodka cranberry start to take affect.
Once the songs over we sit around the table and light the blunt. El turns the music down slightly so we can talk as we puff puff pass.
"How's work been going?" I look at El as she passes to me. I inhale deeply holding for as long as I can.
"Shitty. As usual. How's home?" I exhale my second puff and pass to Trina.
"Holy fuck I want to move. I need to get a job though."
"If you do you can totally move in with us." El takes the blunt from Trina and Trina just shrugs.
"Yeah I mean it would totally help us out too." Trina cracks her fingers and gets up.
The blunt comes back to me and I bask in the smoke. Moving in with them isn't a bad idea actually. Once Trina comes back it's her turn and she has also brought the bottle of vodka.
"Hey All Around The World starting now." She takes a deep breath and passes to El. I began to exhale knowing my turn was coming. The goal of the game is to hold your smoke until it gets back to you.
I make it three rotations until the roach is so small I burn my finger and choke from laughing. Trina and El burst out laughing causing them to cough madly as well.
Once we've all recovered Trina yells, "Shots!" And we take them like champions.
The rest of the night is a fun and crazy blur as we all three dance, drink, and smoke the night away, and ending up with us all sharing a bed together. Before I pass out I remember telling my best friends that I love them and smiling like a huge idiot.
I'm going to be okay.