When I was out of the bath room I heard the voices again. I moved down the hallway that had one wall completely open with only a railing so someone didn’t fall over the edge. The opening looked into the dinning room. Then when you make your way to the stairs it’s enclosed on both sides as you walk down into the kitchen with a long island in the middle.
It was a nice house don’t get me wrong but it just wasn’t homey. If that makes any sense. This was one of those homes you walk into and there could be furniture all over the place, and just packed with many interesting things. But it would still feel empty. The walls held no pictures. Well they did when they first came here. But they were all taken down by John when we got here. I guess he didn’t want to remember his old wife that was now married to my dad.
If you don’t want to remember something then don’t make the memory. It’s simple. If you’re not willing to stay with someone for the rest of your life there is no point in being with the person because obviously the relationship is going nowhere and you are just wasting each other’s time. Time they could be spending on someone who actually cares about their interest.
But I’m not bitter.
You know what I have been noticing about John and my mom’s relationship is that it is not really love. It’s possession over one other. It’s like they have to be close to each other all of the time. I’m sure they don’t even know each other’s favorite color. Where in the relationship my mom and dad had. Now that is kind of how I want my relationship to be like. Yes I said kind of. There are some things that I wouldn’t want in a relationship that they did. But that was their relationship. What I’m saying is I don’t want someone to tell me that they love me. I want someone to say they are in love with me.
Most people wouldn’t understand the difference. But think of it this way. People use the words I love you/this/that a lot. Whether it is to a friend, place, food. Just anything. You’ll say I love Paris, or I love tacos. People use it loosely and it has very little meaning behind it. But you don’t hear people say, I’m in love with something very often. When you are in love with the person that has captured your affection, your full attention. And there is nothing that could replace them. When you’re in love. That’s when you know they are the right person. The person that just makes your life easier no matter the day you’ve had. Never going to bed mad at each other we could easily fix with an adult conversation. Someone who looks at me as if I am the most weird yet amazing person to them. I want that. I want actual love, actual connection. Not the kind where I sign a piece of paper for the hell of it. Someone willing to be with me after the ‘honeymoon stage’ runs out.
I don’t want someone to be my high, I want someone to hold me even when I’m down.
“Good morning, Ashley.” My mom said snapping me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see I was sitting at the island. The people who were talking down here had walked into the kitchen and I saw Liam from school talking to John and another man about something I wasn’t listening to.
But when my name left my mom’s lips Liam’s head snapped up to look at me only to look away. He looked at me one more time but held his gaze this time. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and let out hum in response.
“I thought you were going back to bed?” Mom asked and I finally looked away from Liam.
“Can’t. Already awake.” I responded and she nodded her head taking the seat next to me. She then started to show me her ring again. I was surprised she was able to lift her hand from how big and gaudy it was.
“Isn’t it pretty?” She asked.
“I prefer the other one you had,” I said. I didn’t say this just because I didn’t like that my parents split up. I also really did not like the ring. In my opinion it was the ugliest ring ever. And I know it’s not about the ring, it’s about the person giving it to you. I would wear a piece of string as my wedding ring. But the person I would be marrying if I married, would be someone I loved unconditionally. So it wouldn’t matter. But my mom didn’t really know John.
And the ring was ugly. Just saying. I would rather have the string. Or nothing. Nothing would look a lot better than that ring.
“Ashley.” My mom scolded. “I want your honest opinion.” She said looking at the ring with furrowed eyebrows. I could tell she was now thinking about her other wedding ring and she kind of frowned at her hand.
“You want my honest opinion?” I asked.
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t care how many generations that thing has been through, that is an ugly ring. You can’t even lose it because of how big it is. Does it make you feel 10 pounds heavier?” I asked and she started laughing. “I think I know why his grandma gave it up so willingly.” She laughed even more.
“I love you.” She said and brushed some stray tears.
“I know.” I elbowed her softly. “I love you too.”