Chapter 8-Sometimes you Gotta Lose to Win
Have you ever
Needed someone so bad?
But he ain’t willing to make it last
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
If it makes you cry, cry, cry
And all you do is fight
Can’t get no sleep at night?
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
We didn’t have to travel far because Kaí stayed in one of the suites at the hotel. I’m glad I didn’t freak him out with all my crying and sobbing. He was actually sweet about it, he lent me his ear and his shoulder and I appreciated that. I really needed someone and since my bestie was thousands of miles away, he made it a little easier to cope with.
“You didn’t have to hold me the whole way to your room Kaí.”
The night island breeze made it a little cool and being the gentleman that he was he insisted that he wrap his arms around me to keep me warm.
But let’s be real Kaí is a man like any other and with his hard member pressing into my back as we walked to his room he probably is gonna want more than just body heat between us.
“Well you looked like you were still cold so, I didn’t want my overnight guest to be uncomfortable,” he said opening his door as we both walked inside.
Walking into the lion’s den is what it felt like. I was still questioning myself about this....me being here. But I remembered exploring through the resorts brochures and website these rooms were starting at $1200 a night. I really put myself in a bind with nowhere to go.
So here I was waiting for the lion to pounce.
“You know you can let me go now Kaí.”
“I know Dereon but you smell so good,” he said breathing into my neck deeply and then those chocolate lips pecked at my skin.
Before I could even say anything he let me go and grabbed my suitcase.
“Here let me take that for you,” he pulled my suitcase in a corner and I just stood there like a nervous gazelle still waiting for the pounce.
He took one look at me then laughed.
“You don’t have to look so scared sweetheart, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” he said walking up to me stroking my cheek and kissing my lips.
“I’m sorry Kaí I didn’t mean to make things awkward it’s just-”
“Hey, you don’t have to apologize or explain anything to me.” He smiled.
“I know it’s been a roller coaster for you tonight. Now would I love for you to let me get a taste of all that creamy goodness you got, of course? But like I said I’m a gentleman so if it happens, it happens,” he kissed me hard his tongue asking permission to slip past my lips and I let him. Our tongues swirled around each other’s and I couldn’t help the moan that echoed from my throat.
“But if it doesn’t, that’s ok too,” he pants, his forehead resting against mine.
We stayed up and talked for a while and I got to know all about Kaí. How it was growing up on the island and some of the cultural differences and similarities we had. He was really a cool guy and maybe if we met under different circumstances he could’ve been somebody I wouldn’t have mind kicking it with.
I was startled a little waking up on Kaí’s bed. We were up talking all night and I must’ve fallen asleep on him when he put me on his bed.
I heard Kaí in the bathroom before he walked out with a smile.
“I could’ve slept on the couch Kaí.”
He looked at me like I was crazy.
I sat up in the bed as he walked over towards me and sat next to me. Brushing my scattered braids out of my face.
“Now why the hell would I do that, you’re my guest. I was fine on the couch.”
“You’re too sweet,” I said leaning over to kiss his cheek.
“And your too beautiful,” he leaned over and kissed my lips.
Which he suddenly took the opportunity to deepen as his hand slid to the back of my neck. This sexual tension that we had was undeniable. But it had me feeling some type of way. After being with the same person for almost 2 years it felt awkward being with somebody new this soon.
Kaí was on top of me now his large hands were roaming so freely all over my body and as much as I wanted to enjoy it. That asshole kept popping up into my head. Talk about cockblocking. Javion and I hadn’t been separated a full 24 hours and I’m sure he had already fucked Makeeya frontways and sideways and didn’t probably feel one ounce of regret. So why the fuck do I still feel guilty about letting myself go.
Kaí’s hand was tugging at my panties about to pull them down when I rested my hand on top of his stopping him. He quickly let go of my lace boy shorts and pulled away from me.
“Kaí I’m sorry.”
“What did I keep telling you about apologizing to me,” he gave me that sweet smile of his with those chocolate lips.
“I know but still.”
“I know it feels funny right, just being with a new guy. Kind of like losing your virginity again.”
I laughed. “I guess so.”
“Hey, you got a whole day left before you leave tomorrow. We can go do that excursion, I’m off today.”
“Sure why not, I’ve been moping around St. Lucia long enough, it’s time to have some fun.”
I was looking forward to this. I had been in paradise but since I’ve been here it’s seemed more like a nightmare. Even though it’s the end of a chapter it doesn’t mean my novel is finished. So it’s time to start some new memories and go on living life to the fullest even though it won’t be with Jay anymore.
Exploring the island has been an experience I will keep with me for a lifetime. Kaí and I went hiking into the mountains and explored some of the towns and shopped at the small and quaint shops for trinkets and souvenirs.
Kaí really came through for me today. His company really took my mind off all the bullshit I went through last night. And I’m really appreciative of him for everything.
We reached back to the hotel after a long day of hiking and walking. I was ready to take a hot bubble bath and soak my tired feet in the tub.
Of course, my awesome day turned from sugar to shit when I walked into the lobby and seen Jay and Makeeya. I swear to god this hotel wasn’t big enough!
He was all over her whispering and kissing on her ear as her cackling ass laugh echoed through the tiled lobby. I wanted to fucking throw up.
“Are you ok,” I heard Kaí ask.
“I’m good, let’s just go before I snap.”
“Yea we don’t want you snapping,” he chuckled grabbing my hand. He kissed my cheek and I smiled at him as he led me to the elevator doors.
I could still hear them talking and all I could think was shut the fuck up and why were these damn elevator doors taking so freaking long to open.
I finally see the L for lobby light up above the elevator doors. They finally open and we walk in. I turned around looking at them one last time.
And because he hadn’t hurt me enough I guess he had one more gut-wrenching heartache to bestow on me.
“Can we go jet skiing tomorrow babe.”
“Sure Princess, whatever you want.”
I swear the air left my lungs as they collapsed, pummeling down to the deep depths of my stomach. He called her his Princess....like it was nothing. Like every time he called me that it meant nothing to him. Like it was some generic nickname you give to any random ass chick.
Be strong Dereon, don’t lose it, he’s not worth it. That was all I kept trying to tell myself to keep from breaking down in the elevator. But I know Kaí could sense something was up with me.
He opened the door and I went straight to the bathroom and started the water to fill the tub. It was just what I needed. The long stream of the water hitting against the pasty white Teflon lined tub was just loud enough for Kaí not to hear me have an all-out crying fit.
I fell to my knees on the cold tile floor and leaned against the tub and cried my eyes out silently by myself. I just couldn’t believe Javion, he really just showed his true colors to me.
Well, fuck him! Since he wants to treat me like shit, he can kiss my whole entire ass. Cause I’m so done with him!
I finally pull my aching body off the floor and slip into the tub. The hot steamy water swallowed my body right up, relaxing all my aching muscles.
My thoughts got to running when I thought about flying out of here tomorrow. At first, I rejoiced at the fact that I would be far away from the vacation from hell.
But I realized when I go back home I’m still in another fucking situation. I needed to find a job ASAP. My savings were damn near depleted. I had probably 2 months of rent saved up and that didn’t include utilities, feeding myself, and other miscellaneous expenses. Just the thought of it had me highly pissed at Jay again.
I let him convince me that I didn’t need to work. What did he use to say when I always suggested that I find a job, oh yea, “Your my woman and you don’t need to work because your gonna be my wife and what’s mine is yours, Princess.”
A bunch of bullshit! Like my mom used to tell me, always have your own so you won’t have to depend on a man for anything. Advice that I conveniently allowed myself to forget. Now I gotta try to find a job, I haven’t worked in over a year and before that my life revolved around Lyric for 6 years. I know not too many companies are looking to hire someone with no hands-on experience.
I just wanted to scream. I was just tired. Tired of everything and everybody. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I just wanted to forget about everything, all this freaking drama, and especially Jay and I cursed the day I met his trifling ass.
I slipped out of the tub drying my body off and spraying on my favorite body mist and slipped on my tank top and my fuzzy sleep shorts.
Feeling like I needed to get all my emotions out I walked onto Kaí’s balcony with a pen and paper and wrote out everything I was feeling and wanted Javion to know in a letter. After it was done I took the letter and the engagement ring from my travel bag and placed it into an envelope and sealed it shut.
“You sure you don’t want me to give it to him?” Kaí asked as I slipped on my Old Navy flip-flops.
I gave him a small smile. “Nope, it’s my drama and besides you’ve done more than enough for me.”
I walked out of the door to the elevators and pushed the button to Javion’s floor. Funny how someone who used to make me feel so at ease all the time suddenly made me nervous as hell. Maybe I was more scared at his response to my presence more then I was scared of him if that makes sense.
I walked up to the door and hesitated. My nerves had caught hold of me so I went to take the easy way out and shove the letter under the door. But of course with my luck that fucking rock of a ring wouldn’t allow it to go under.
I had to laugh at myself. So I bossed up and knocked on the damn door.
It didn’t take long for it to open.....of course, it wasn’t him.
“Look Makeeya I didn’t come to argue, I just need to give something to Jay.”
She had a stupid smirk on her face like she knew she’d won the prize. I really had to dig deep down........deep, deep, deep, deep down to ask God to keep me near the Cross with this bitch because she was definitely asking for me to smite her ass!
“Well, I don’t think he wants to see your-”
“Who is it babe,” Javion walked up to the door.
“I was trying to tell her that you didn’t want to be bothered, Baby.”
Although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...
“Should I call security?”
For thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I know Javion seen that nervous twitch in my eye and my fist started to ball up in frustration as I attempted not to react to Makeeya the Thotty’s fuckery.
“KeyKey babe give me a minute,” he asked pulling her by the waist guiding her back into the room. Not before she made sure she kissed him in front of me.
I rolled my eyes, annoyed as hell, “Did she really need to do all of that?”
Javion face turned into a cold stone stare before he went to part his lips to speak......I held up my hand and stopped him.
“Look don’t answer that. I didn’t come to fight, fuss or argue with you two. I think we’ve done enough of that this week. I just came to return this,” I handed him the envelope.
He looked down at the envelope and started to open it.
“What’s this?” I heard him ask but by then I was walking onto the elevator thanking God I got that over with unscathed.
Closing a chapter on my life, I had bigger things to deal with now. Tomorrow by this time I’d be back in Atlanta ready to start a new..... Whatever that new would be I was determined to be ready for it.......
I hope this letter finds you in a better state then I am. I’m still struggling with finding an answer to where we went wrong for you to treat me like an unwanted stepchild. Never thought I’d have to play the Side Chick to your career. All I ever wanted was your love and affection. Your career is important to you and I understood that. But I didn’t realize it was more important than me. The sleepless nights. The many days I became your outlet to get your anger and frustration out. I took that because I knew you were struggling with your own demons. I just wanted you to get better...I prayed for you to get better, so we could live happily ever after like you promised. I guess I should’ve seen the signs early in our relationship, it might have saved us both a lot of heartaches. Just know my words and my emotions for you were always laced with the purest form of love and adoration. I thought you felt the same but I guess somewhere along the lines those feelings changed. That will just be one mystery I’m done trying to figure out. Here is your ring back, all that I ask is when you decide to give it to someone else, that it’s truly what you want. Obviously, I wasn’t worthy of it as much as I thought I was. Even though you hurt me deeply....mentally and physically, and as angry as I am, I do know this too shall pass. I wish for you to find what makes you happy in life. I know now that it wasn’t me.