I made it to the end of the week without a visit from Hope. I was so terrified that my birth mother or father would show up. They caused me so much pain and instilled so much fear in me. They were my past, I have moved on from that life.
This week I only had my job to focus on, Weston was in New York. I didn’t want to bother him even though he said I could, but even I know that would be very unfair to him. He said we could talk about what happened if I wanted to, which I appreciated him not pushing me.
I was finishing up some emails for the weekend when a knock on my door startled me. I looked up and was surprised to see Oliver standing in front of me. What was he doing here?
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Are you alright? You’re not usually that jumpy.” Oliver, although we’ve known each other at this point for years, didn’t know much about me. I thought I loved this man at one point last year.
“I’m just tired.” I say. “What brings you to my office?” I ask him as I hit send on my email. I was officially done with work for the weekend.
“I’m here to pick you up for dinner.” I rolled my eyes. “Again with the eye rolling.”
“One, I can roll my eyes as much as I want, Ollie. Two, I’m tired. I’m not up for going to a restaurant.” I just wanted to eat pizza and cry in the comfort of my own home, was that too much to ask for?
“I told you, we are going to have dinner one way or another.” I fight the urge to roll my eyes, but I can’t control my mouth.
“Or what?” I ask.
I see his mouth twitch.
“Do I have to get down on my knees and beg you, Hanna?” I look at the clock, I guess I had time. He has been waiting months to get dinner with me.
“Fine, but it has to be casual because I’m not going anywhere with a dress code.” He chuckles at me.
“Deal, lets go.”
Dinner was actually enjoyable. It reminded me of why Oliver made a good friend. It wasn’t always so tense between us, things used to be easy. We had clear boundaries, we were friends, and we had sex with each other occasionally. Then I developed feelings for him, and I was forced to end it because I knew that it would end badly. We had a one night stand months later and I ended up pregnant. I was right in the end, it did end badly.
We were now walking to the car, Oliver grabbed my hand, and I didn’t let go. I didn’t want to.
“I miss this.” Oliver says to me as we get to his car.
“Us hanging out?” I ask.
“Yeah. I wish we could go back to how we were before. I’m not saying pretend like we didn’t go through what we went through, before you get mad at my words. I mean how easily we were able to brush things off, we didn’t let things bother us, we knew what we wanted.”
“You mean be friends with benefits again?” He nods.
“I want us to be in a relationship, but I’m just not a relationship guy, you know that. Maybe we could build up to that slowly.” I felt confused.
“I don’t know if I want that.” I admit. “I haven’t been sure of what exactly I want for awhile now.”
“Maybe you just need some reminding.” Oliver pulled my face toward him and he kissed me. It was my automatic reaction to push him away. “Was it not as good as you remembered?”
I rolled my eyes.
“It’s not that. I can’t do this. I can’t think right now.” I say. I wasn’t ready for this. I think of Weston and now I’m conflicted. I liked him, but was I ready to let go of Oliver? I don’t know.
“Then don’t think. Do.” He kisses me again before I could stop him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pressed me up against his car.
It’s been months since I’ve had sex, I thought my body would reject his touch, his kiss, but he opened up the flood gates. I felt him put his hand just where my shirt and jeans meet. I pressed harder against him. I could feel Oliver’s hardness.
Ollie pulled away. “I want to be inside of you now.” He said to me.
I nodded. It was dark outside and we were in the back of the parking lot. This was something old Hanna would do. If I did this then I was the person I was before the pregnancy, right?
I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel anything.
Oliver opened the backseat doors to his car. I stepped in and scooted over. All of this felt familiar. He scooted in after me, closing the door behind him, and he put his hand on my leg.
He kissed my lips then worked his way down to my neck while his hand moved up and slipped under my leggings. I adjusted myself, bringing myself more down. I gasped as I felt Oliver’s hand touch me in a way that I have not been touched in a long time.
It doesn’t take long for me to fall apart on his fingers. As I’m catching my breath, my leggings get pulled down further, he starts kissing my neck again, and I help him get them completely off.
“You should get on top.” He whispers to me. Oliver sits back up and I get up as well and swing my leg over him. He presses himself against me and I sink down. He moans into my ear, then grabs my hips, and I let him control me. He always liked that. Oliver likes control.
It felt good, but I couldn’t help but not be as into it.
“You’re so god damn tight, Hanna. This is exactly why I came back to LA. Fuck.” His pace increased, and then he lost control. I moaned to make him think that I lost it with him.
After a few seconds, he pulled my face to him and kissed me. I kissed him back. I was even more confused now.
Twenty minutes later I was back at my apartment. As soon I walked in and locked my door, I broke down into tears.
I felt nothing. I felt completely numb. How was that even possible? Sex with Oliver had always been good, how did I feel nothing?
I think about Weston. I feel like a complete asshole right now.
He was going to think that I lead him on.
I don’t know what to do anymore.