I didn’t know what else to do but send Oliver a picture. We haven’t talked in weeks. I swore to myself that the last time was the last time, I wasn’t going to be his west coast booty call.
Within seconds, I had an incoming call from Oliver. Funny, I’ve been trying to call him all week, and his assistant would tell me that he would get back to me. He had been blowing me off until now.
“What is that?” He asks. I don’t even get a hello.
“You just need to know that it’s yours, Ollie.”
“Are you sure?” It took everything inside of me not to blow up on him. How could he ask me that? We had rules.
“I’m not calling you for anything, Oliver. I’m just calling to let you know that in nine months there will be a baby with half of your DNA and your last name. I thought I should at least give you the courtesy of telling you before you heard it from anyone else.” And with that I hung up.
So much for not blowing up on him.
“When did you get back?” I ask him as I sit behind my desk. He’s never been inside of my office, he used to drop me off at my building. Or I should say, his driver would drive us.
I press my hands into my black and white plaid pants, my hands were sweaty because I was nervous to be around Ollie. I didn’t know what terms we were on, he had tried multiple times to reach out since the miscarriage, but I didn’t feel ready.
“A few days ago.” He says and sits back. He recently got a haircut, his blonde hair was buzzed, I always liked his hair a little longer. This haircut made him look older than he really was.
His gray eyes were staring right at my green eyes. I had to look away, I just couldn’t hold his stare.
“I honestly didn’t think you’d come back.” I say to him, I adjust my tucked in black shirt.
“I didn’t think I would either, but I figured three months was long enough.” I didn’t even realize it had been three months, it felt like no time had passed at all.
I didn’t know what else to say, and I stayed quiet. Ollie continued talking.
“How have you been?” There were words missing from that sentence. I know what he really wanted to know.
“You mean since the miscarriage?” I ask.
He winces at how harsh my question comes out. I have to remind myself to breathe, he wasn’t at fault for what happened.
I don’t like to talk about how I lost my baby. I was four months pregnant, I could feel her. The baby was a girl, we were going to find out at our next prenatal appointment, before the miscarriage. A lovely nurse told me she was a girl when I had my D&C. I think she thought it was going to help me grieve, but it made it worse.
“I’m coping.” I lie. Those were the only words that would come out of my damn mouth.
“Well, I’m not. I think we both have a lot of unresolved issues, Hanna. I want to work them out together with you.”
“Oliver, I just don’t think I’m there yet.” I still had a lot to sort through on my own, I wasn’t having the best of luck.
“I think we can help each other, it was traumatic, but we can get through it.” I shake my head.
“Ollie, I don’t want to talk about it because I’m just not ready for that conversation. I understand that it’s been hard on you, but imagine how I feel? I feel like my body betrayed me.” My voice cracked at the end and my eyes filled with tears, I had to will them not to come out.
“Okay, one step at a time then. Come to dinner with me, we can just sit down and talk about anything you want. It doesn’t have to be about the miscarriage.” I feel the anger start bubbling up.
I didn’t want to snap at him, he didn’t deserve that a second time, but he was making it really hard.
“Oliver, no. We were just going to be parents together, it was never supposed to be anything more, remember?” I was throwing his words back at him. He said that to me when I got pregnant.
By the look on his face, he knew what I was getting at.
“It’s just dinner, Hanna. It won’t hurt you.”
“Actually it will, I told you that I’m just not there yet. I don’t know when I will be. I may never be.”
Oliver sighs. “I’m trying, Hanna. You were never not anything to me, you were my friend, my-”
“I was just the girl you had sex with when you came to LA, Ollie. You made sure I knew I was never anything more.” It was the truth.
“It was never that simple, it was complicated. You awoke something in me that I was afraid to explore, I began to have feelings for you.” That just cut me like a damn knife.
“Oliver, you need to go. I can’t have this conversation with you here, this is my job. I have to get back to work.” I just wanted him to leave.
“Hanna, just one dinner. That’s all I’m asking for, after that I will leave you alone. Hell, I’ll go back to Nashville.” Some of his accent shines through in that last sentence. It stirred something inside me that I wanted no part of.
“Oliver...” My voice was more stern. I was just done with this conversation. I couldn’t keep going.
“Don’t give me an answer right, just think about it.” I sighed really loudly, looking down at my busy calendar, and then looked back up at him.
“I’ll think about it, but I’m leaning towards no.” He looked relieved with my answer. I just didn’t understand what he wanted from me.
“But you’ll think about it, and that is what matters, Hanna.” He stands with a small smile on his face. “I’m looking forward to hearing from you, hopefully soon.” And with that he walks out.
The second he does it’s like I can finally breathe.
I open my drawer from my desk and pull out what I always keep in there. The picture from my first ultrasound.
“Well, that is a baby.” Oliver says quietly.
I was so god damn nervous, I had been so quiet during this appointment. I just needed him to react positive.
“Is this your first?” The tech asked.
“Can you tell?” Ollie asks and the guy laughs.
“After doing this for so long, it’s just a sixth sense to know.” The man looked at me. “Would you like to take a photo home?”
“Yes, please.” I said.
That was this photo. At that moment in time, I just couldn’t believe that I was actually pregnant. It all seemed like a joke until I saw this photo, this photo made it real to me.
I put the photo back into the drawer and continued on with my work. I had a long day ahead of me.