I headed straight up to Ireland's place, deposited the Chinese takeout I brought in the kitchen, and waited for her in the living room. I know she's been avoiding me the entire day. She has been doing it subtly, so yeah, I've been feeling like someone's about to rip my lungs out the whole day. I know I'm acting like a lovesick puppy or like a whiny bitch right now, but I really can't help it.
She didn't completely run for the hills and I'm glad she hasn't canceled on me which means there's still a bit of hope, but what if she only wants to see me so she can put the breaks on whatever this is. We haven't started anything serious yet, but I know for a fact that I'm not going to take it well if she decides to stop seeing me.
I was never the relationship kind of guy. I don't remember a time when I've felt the need to be with someone. Heck, I've never dated anyone seriously. Well, my ex-fiance didn't count. As far as I'm concerned it was a forced decision and it was the biggest mistake of my life, but that's another story for another time and I didn't want to add more insult to my already dampened soul.
The thing is, with Ireland, I'm starting to believe that she is it for me. I know it's way too fast, so so fast, but I don't give a rat's ass. All I know is that I'm falling hard for her and I'm going to keep knocking every fucking wall she builds up before me until she clearly sees that she and I are meant to be together.
Minutes later, I heard the elevator door open followed by the sound of her approaching footsteps and I immediately feel all the air leaving my body from head to toe. I tried my best to look as normal as I can. As collected as I can manage, but I know I'm failing miserably. I turned my head towards the direction she's coming from just in time to see her standing at the threshold. Our eyes locked for a second and none of us knew how to make this not awkward. I stood up, took a step forward, but suddenly stopped when I noticed her eyes widening a fraction before composing herself. Shit... What do I do? Do I just say hello? Walk over to her and give her a hug? Kiss her on the cheeks, forehead or lips? Shake her hand? Fuck! I have never been clueless in my life until right about now.
"Hi," she broke the silence, smiling at me shyly. I watched her like a hawk as she took slow unsure steps my way. I didn't move an inch keeping my hands inside my pocket. I waited patiently for her to come to me. I didn't want to do anything that might make her feel unsure though I have been itching to close the distance and wrap my arms around her. "Hey! there's Chinese food on the kitchen counter. You hungry?" I asked rocking back on my heels before deciding to lower my head to give her a light peck on the lips. A faint gasp escaped her mouth and if I wasn't paying much attention, I wouldn't have heard it. "Sure." She lowered her gaze with a hint of a smile. Ahh... maybe nothing is wasted yet.
We were sitting side by side, as usual, stealing glances when the other isn't supposedly looking. This is becoming a past time for us and as odd as it is, I enjoy these exchanges with her. It's not much, but it kind of says a lot if that ever makes sense. I cleared my throat letting her know that I'm about to say something, but she beat me to it. "So, last night?" Here we go! "Yeah?" I asked, giving her my full attention. "Umm, I'm sort of confused about it, I mean we did what we did and what we did was amazing." She said, face turning red as tomatoes. "Now, I'm not so sure what's going to happen. Friends don't sleep with each other right? So, what are we?"
I took my time processing her question. Do I tell her that she's more than a friend to me? Do I tell her that I want to start something but I'm about to head back to Spain soon? Do I become an ass and just say we can sleep together as much as we want without expectations?
But that's the thing, I expect more from this probably way more than what she expects. I rack my brains out for an answer that will get to her in such a way that would make her feel the same way I feel about her, but I've got nothing.
"What we are is undefined as of the moment and right now, I don't exactly know how to put the raging emotions I'm feeling within me into words." It was now or never, so I allowed myself to look into her eyes deeply as if I was willing her to see what I truly want while praying so hard that she doesn't walk out on me. On this. "So, I don't really know what we are, but what I do know is that I don't want to be just friends and that I want to give us a shot. Can we do that?" My eyes never left hers as I waited for her reaction. For her answer.
It must have taken time for her to process what I've just said because she was completely still and silent for a good minute or two. She was silent as fuck and I'm starting to feel very nervous. "Say something," I commanded gently, but there was nothing. Shit! Did I mess this up?