I didn’t make it back in time and now I feel like a total jerk! I did my best to wrap things up quickly, but I’m still a little too late. I was supposed to feel okay about the whole thing, but the more the reality of not being with Elijah when I want to sinks in, the more my mood turns sour. At first, I didn’t want to take this seriously because I didn’t want anything or anyone to affect decisions concerning my company. I also didn’t want to mix my personal life with my professional life.
He was supposed to be a fun distraction or a sort of adventure, but the days we’ve spent together made me realize his importance. It’s made me realize that I have feelings for him more than I’ll ever admit and that I’m just afraid to take risks when it comes to him. Can you blame me though? I mean there’s a lot at stake here. The possible contract, the distance, generally our future apart or together, and every baggage that comes along with it including the one I haven’t come clean about.
It wasn’t that I was keeping my past a secret, a lot of people around me know what kind of childhood I had and what I've done to survive. It was just hard for me to tell Elijah because I love the way he looks at me. Like I was some precious rare stone he had just discovered. I guess I’m afraid that if I bare my heart and soul to him this soon, he’s going to start looking at me with so much pitty in his eyes, and that’s the last thing I want to happen. Also, I'm used to being judged by people, but I have this feeling that if it were Elijah who's judging me, I would probably break into pieces.
I took out my phone, deciding whether or not I should call him. I really want to, but he might be midflight somewhere. I don’t want to disturb him and besides, I feel guilty about bailing out on him. I’m also afraid that he might be mad at me and he was just not saying anything.
I continued walking towards the elevator wanting to get home as quickly as I can so I can start devouring a tub of ice cream. Once the elevator opens to my penthouse suite I quickly dropped my bag and headed straight for the kitchen. I was about to open the fridge when I saw an envelope under one of the magnets. Did he leave this for me? I wonder what's inside it.
I quickly snatched it and retrieved everything I need to nurse the growing pang in my chest before heading to my living room. I tore the envelope open and found a plane ticket with a letter that read, “Mi amor, I’m heartbroken that I didn’t get to spend my last two days with you or that I wasn’t able to see your beautiful face before I left, but I understand how important it was for you. So, here’s something I’m hoping you’ll use sooner rather than later if and when you want to visit, see, or fuck me. Yes, I’m dead serious about the last choice. It's more for my benefit than yours, to be honest. I’ll miss you every second every day. P.S. Call me, text me, or facetime me (I prefer this naked) whenever. Elijah”
My vision was starting to get blurry. I tucked the ticket and the letter back and thought about how much I want to see him right now. I miss his sweetness and perverted sense of humor so much. When did all this start to get so real? I took steadying breaths blinking a few times to stop tears from falling before typing a message.
Ireland: I just got home. I got your letter and the ticket. I don’t know what else to say, but thank you and that I’m going to miss you too. Maybe I’ll take your offer regarding your preference for facetime. I’m really sorry I didn’t get to see you before your flight. As for the visit, I can't say yes to that yet, but I'll give it a lot of consideration and thought. Hit me back when you can.
We were only apart for what? Two or three days and all I can think about was how much I missed him. So, imagine what a year and a half would feel like? It’s going to suck big time and the thought of him meeting someone new because of the distance is not helping my already dampened mood. I hate this crappy ass feeling!
I hit send. 45 minutes in, no reply yet. I have to say, I was a bit disappointed, but maybe there are reasons. Maybe he’s asleep or his phone was turned off. Maybe he’s busy and he’ll reply when he gets the chance. There’s no point in waiting, so I decided to just go to sleep. If he doesn't call or send me a message, I'll just probably try again tomorrow.