VIII. I Hate My Life
I hate my life.
I hate my life so much.
I have a gun.
I have a gun underneath my thigh, and I’m not afraid to plug it inside my mouth.
“So-” I said, “You want to play the bad stalker guy and get beat up by Alexander...the head of the Russian mafia?”
Diego shook his head, “I don’t want to play that guy. I don’t want to get beat up!”
“Then...why would you suggest that plan?” Earlier, Diego suggested that he play a bad guy who’s trying to kidnap or abuse or something along that line to me. He said it would capture Alexander’s attention.
“Why can’t I just seduce him? Last night he was interested.”
I dressed up and went to the same bar as Alexander. He creepily stares at me from a dark corner the entire time. He even sent his men over. I’m not an expert in human attraction, but I’m sure he wants to fuck me.
They told me to play hard to get, and that’s precisely what I did. But, apparently, I played it all wrong when I walked out of the bar alone. So, now, we have to come up with another plan. It seems like I’m too stupid to seduce a man.
“Yes. So interested that he asked for three girls last night.”
I flip my hair back, “Of course he would. He needs three girls to satisfy what one could do.” I look, Diego, who had a stupid look on his face. “Me. I’m talking about me. I’m saying that I’m so attractive that-”
“I get what you’re saying,” Diego responded. “What I’m saying is that he’s not too interested in you where he would chase after you.”
“That would make him look desperate.”
After some time, Diego grinned, “Your pride is hurt because you spent hours dressing up, and he didn’t even send his men after you.”
I scoffed, “Pride is hurt, my ass.” I stood up, “That man has horrible taste. Those three bitches he spent the night with isn’t even half as pretty as me.” I scowl, “I blame the disguise you all force me to wear.” I held up my phone and switched on the camera, “Hide my natural beauty.”
Diego mouthed: “Wow.” He cleared his throat, “Anyways, I read more of his files.”
“So, he likes more than ugly bitches?”
Diego smiles, “He likes ugly, stupid ones.”
“All of his ex-wives are airheads. You know, act all smart but stupid.”
“You want me to act stupid?”
“Just a little bit.” Luz enters the room with two of her underlings. “Not too stupid because he dislikes women who can’t read the atmosphere.” She settled down on the couch.
“So, you want me to change my looks and personality. Why can’t you find a damn new person?” Okay, maybe I am a bit irritated that he didn’t send anyone for me and instead invited three unattractive females into his bedroom.
Luz crosses her leg, “Agent 86, and here I thought you’re a professional. I didn’t think you’re the type that allows your petty pride to-”
“Petty pride?” I dunk my legs on the table, “You’re talking to someone who jerks off two ugly ass guys to get her mission done. What pride? I sold it to the government for a Ferrari.” That sounds sad inside my head and outside.
Luz stood up, “Excellent.” She looks at Diego, “Go with the pitiful damsel in distress plan.” She left the room. I’m certain she only came to piss me off.
“That’s sad,” Diego said.
“You sold your pride for a ten thousand dollar dog.”
Diego gasps, “Don’t you dare talk bad about Alfred the Fifth.”
The next day, I found myself in front of the store with the CIA credit card. I slide it the whole day. Teach them to look down on me.
“Agent 86,” Luz calls me over the earpiece. “Target is arriving.”
I grabbed massive shopping bags and made my way out of the store.
I turn towards the direction of the car.
I continued to prance as if nothing in the world can hurt me—nothing except the heels I’m wearing. My feet are killing me from shopping all day. I had to hit all the stores that are on the streets Alexander usually passed.
“He’s getting out.”
Yes bitch, get hypnotized by my beauty. Even the atrocious disguise can’t hide it.
I looked down and pretended I didn’t see the man in front of me while struggling to carry the bags.
“Excellent. Now trip.”
But, my instinct did not allow me to be captured by any man.
“What are you doing?” Luz screamed. “You’re supposed to-” I zoned her out.
Not today bitch. I’m not getting weak in front of any man.
Involuntarily, I grinned, “Phew. That was close.” I couldn’t contain the burst of laughter when Luz shouted louder into the earphone to pull my ass back towards Alexander.
Once I turned into a corner, someone grabbed me by the arm and shoved me inside a van. The vehicle swerves away. Luz threw the headphone into the ground and glared at me, “What do you think you’re doing?”
I shrugged, “Trying not to get a knee injury?”
“You’re supposed to fall into his arms.” Then, it started—the oh-so-familiar lecture.
“He’s heading back towards the hotel,” one of her underlings said.
Luz huffed a breath, “Go to the hotel.” Once we reached the building, she glared at me. “Do not fuck up.”
I raised my palms and made my way out of the van. It seems like the CIA got a temper.
At a corner of a hotel stood Diego with a wide grin. “I heard you fucked up.”
I threw up a finger. “What’s the plan?”
“Well, we go to plan B.” He circulates two fingers toward himself. “I will be a stalker, and you shall be a victim.”
“Gosh. I hate that word. Can’t I just shoot his ass?”
“Yes. Shoot his ass while he’s on American soil. That sounds like a wonderful plan and will not lead to a war at all.”
I threw my hands everywhere, “We’re basically already at war. All that handshaking shit is fucking ridiculous.”
Diego rested his chin against his fists, “You’re extra pissed off today. Are you on your period?”
“I have the insertion, dumbass. You know I haven’t had my period since I joined SAGE.” SAGE and all other secret agency corporations determined that having your period seven or more days a month will interfere with our missions. So, the moment any female joined, we would have a device inserted inside us to prevent pregnancy and periods.
Sometimes, you can still feel the side effects of having your menstruation, but only without the blood. They’re working on creating some device to decrease or eliminate the pain. Still, according to our scientists, the body is a wondrous and mysterious being, so we can’t completely control it.
I call bullshit.
What they need to do is stop spending millions on robotic flies. One damn spy fly cam cost 10.8 million to develop. You think it’s a good idea until someone tells you that no one likes flies, and they will squash it. Now they’re thinking of developing a spy ladybug cam because people typically don’t kill it.
For a group of genius scientists, they sure enjoy wasting money.
He places two hands in the air, “If it helps, I’m always wearing a cup.”
I rolled my eyes, “Yeah. It’s the same. I wear a device inside my flesh to prevent pregnancy and menstruation periods while you wear a cup so your nuts won’t be crushed.”
“You women will never know the pain of getting your balls crushed.”
“You men will never know the pain of menstruation or childbirth.”
He smiles, “And yet, once childbirth is over. Women still want more children.”
I copied his grin, “You’re ignorant to believe that those two are the same. There aren’t any reinforcers when it comes to getting your balls crushed; meanwhile, women gain the pride of giving life. Hence, your comparison is voided.”
“Trust me when I say your brains aren’t the reason why SAGE recruited you.”
“Enough,” Luz said into our earpiece. “Alexander is arriving. You two may bicker later about the hardship of males and females.”
We scoffed before getting into our positions. Once I’m outside of the hotel, another spy from the CIA undercover as the bellboy. We noticed the black car arriving, and on cue, I handed him my shopping bags as if I just arrived. When he bowed, I did the same to express my sweetness.
“Now, don’t fuck up,” Luz said. “Allow him the opportunity to come to you.”
I pretended to act stupid and knock my head against the pole.
Diego barked out a laugh, “I love this mission!”
I’m going to kill him.
I curled myself into a ball, and my body shakes. Not because of the pain, but the anger inside of me.
Once I calmed down, I forced the tears to surface. Tears are men’s greatest weakness. I bit my lower lip and inhaled a sharp breath before I walked down the driveway.
Come at me.
I passed his car.
Come at me?
I halt and smack my hand together, then turn around.
Come on, Alexander, I’m giving you an opening. Come. Come. Try to get into my pants.
His door pops open.
“He’s coming out.”
Come get my pussy.
I turned around again.
“Wow. You’re losing your touch,” Diego said.
I will kill him.
“Pardon,” Alexander said.
About time fucker.
I stumbled back and looked at him with my abnormally wide eyes, “Y-Yes?”
“Y-Yes?” Diego copied me and barked out another laugh.
“Agent 89,” Luz warned him.
He cleared his throat but didn’t respond. If this were SAGE’s mission, Diego would’ve laughed for hours inside my ears.
“Is everything okay?” He asks.
No bitch. Nothing is okay. My eyes fidget around, “I keep feeling like I forgot something in my room, but then I remember I don’t need it. Then, I remember I need something else?” I continuously talked about desiring some stupid items. I exhale, “Am I disturbing you or something? I tend to do that to people.”
“It’s okay,” he said.
Oh, no. He’s less interested. I can tell. I’m acting too innocent and stupid. I need to back the fuck off.
I nod, “Good. Good. Well, thank you for your concern.” I turned around and pretended to trip so he could get a sneak peek of my underwear.
I know Diego is laughing.
Steadily, I got up and revealed my red face. Yeah. That’s right. Get hypnotized by my sexy underwear that says I’m a fucking freak. “I’m...I’m sorry.”
“What’s going on here?” And here comes Diego. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me inward.
“Let me go.” I play my part as the fair maiden.
“Let you go?” He paces towards me. I admit he is a damn good actor. “So you can whore your way into men’s bed?”
“What are you talking about?” I tugged my arm away.
Alexander steps forward, “I suggest you let her go.”
“Who are you?” Diego asks. I can see it. Inside, he is laughing a storm.
I turned towards him, “Yeah. Who are you?”
“Pardon?” Alexander question.
“I appreciate the kindness sir-” he flinches when I call him sir. Ah. I found a weak spot. He doesn’t like being addressed as an elder. “but I don’t know you.” Then, I turned towards Diego, who had a giant question mark on his face. I was supposed to allow Alexander to have a knight and shining armor moment, but I didn’t. Instead, I flipped Diego over my shoulder.
“What?” Luz screamed into my ear.
“Now, shoo,” I said.
No more stupid maiden in distress.
Diego laid on the ground and stared at me.
Now, we do it my way.
“I said: Go,” I barked. When he didn’t move, I took a step.
He ran away.
I would’ve beaten him up.
Alexander stared at me.
I didn’t say anything and walked away.
“Wait,” he said.
I turn around, “Yes?”
“Are you perhaps doing anything this evening?”
“Say: No,” Luz screamed.
“I am,” I respond. “Pardon me.” I turned around again.
“What are you doing-” Luz screamed to my pleasure.
I didn’t do as Luz told me. I didn’t get my ass back into the hotel room for another lecture. Instead, when I turned around the corner, I removed the earplug, threw it to the ground, and kicked it into the sewer.
I settled at the park bench and exhaled heavily until a shadow cast over me. When I opened my eyes, the target stood above me. He smiled, and I returned it.
“Where are you from?” Alexander asks.
“Midwest,” I responded.
He lowered himself, grabbed my chin, and forced me to look at him, “And now, I want to know. Who sent you?”
“Does it matter who sent me?”
I knew it.
When his thumb got closer to my lip, I slipped out my tongue and licked it. His eyes follow my every movement and his lips twitch slightly. He rolled his thumb between my lips, and I sucked on it before giving it one last lick.
He smirks, and with pure force, he pulls me into his body. It’s much firmer than I anticipated. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter.”