My Bestfriend Is My Lover

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Chapter 10: Pack Your Shit

Some more details of the not so good parts of that same year. Well after I gave birth to Dashaun, my mother bought us a van because she felt the sedan was going to be too small. I mean it was already Darnell and I, Antoine, Shante, Jackson, Carter and now the new baby with an infant seat. So yeah, I guess it was needed, but understand, my mother getting that van will definitely come with a price later on down the line. Whenever my mother does something nice, it was always an ulterior motive behind it.

Anyways, a few months after Dashaun was born, Darnell’s parents still hadn’t come to see their grandchild, so Darnell decided to make a trip out to Michigan. As we pulled into the driveway and parked, you wanna know what this fool had the audacity to ask me to do? “Can you tell my mama and daddy that I bought the van.” If you could have seen the look on my face. Whew child, if you don’t get yo big…! He has never, not once asked me to lie for him, that was definitely a first and I couldn’t believe what the hell he just said to me. I straight up told his ass, “No! You will not take recognition for something my mother did as a gift and you had absolutely nothing to do with.” Of course he wasn’t happy about it, but he was out of pocket for even asking and what the hell was he going to do about it.

Let’s not forget to mention how my mother was my baby daddy the first year or two of Dashuans’ life. Darnell still wasn’t working and really wasn’t actively looking for work either, so he couldn’t afford to help with anything for Dashaun at all. Pampers, clothes, bottles, etc. My mother had provided most of that on Darnell behalf. If I needed help with a car part or fuel for work, my mother helped out so I wouldn’t fall too far behind, but I always paid her back though, whether it was cash or her requesting a favor later on. How can I complain?

Towards the end of the year, well after the wedding, the older couple who owned the house we were living in, offered us a different place right across the street in exchange for the one we were renting. The couple had a few ideas and needed the space of our house in order to do it. The thing was, we had to clean the new place up, which was totally trashed by the previous tenants, we had to paint the house, a few other tasks and they would drastically cut the rent down for the work that was done. We agreed, but of course the house was so nasty that Darnell asthma kicked in, so he was unable to help paint the walls, three floors worth, nor could he help with none of the cleaning. My father had come by a few times and helped paint a little, but this also where he voiced his disappointment with my now husband.

I finally got the house to where it was ready to be moved into and we began transferring property from one house to another. By the time Darnell was “feeling better” the children and I were just about done and was setting the house to rights. I would say we were in this house maybe less than a month when shit started going down hill. To this day I still don’t know what really happened and I probably never will. Darnell made some type of deal with the husband and then something went terribly wrong. All I know is, the wife comes to the house one day, yelling at us to pack our shit and get the fuck out. About a week later we received an eviction notice and I’m like, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me man.” We go to the court hearing and the judge basically says we have to go, he only gave us a few days to pack all our belongings, get our property into storage and find us a place to stay, which ended up being a shelter.

I’m devastated, my children and I hadn’t ever been in a shelter before and I was definitely not feeling that shit at all bro! Little did I know how common living in a shelter would become for my family and I. Curfews, cleaning up behind grown ass people and their kids, being served old ass food, watching staff steal donations, having to share things with other people I don’t know, oh hell no, they had me all fucked up. My environment became so unstable I eventually ended up losing my job, I was down to one car because the sedan started to act up, so it stayed parked at my mama house, all we had was the van. I felt like life just fucked me in the ass raw with no vaseline and was getting ready for round two. And how dare I say, “Shit just can’t get no more fucked up than this.” Shhhiiiiiddd, fooled my ass! I learned long ago to never make that statement loud enough for the universe to hear it!

December 18th, 2011

11:53pm

“Ribbon In The Sky”

-Stevie Wonder

Dear Diary,

Before I begin! To you being in my shit, I hope you read what the fuck you was looking for. That’s what the hell you get for being in my shit. I am absolutely entitled to have a place where I can record my private thoughts!

Whats up chicka? I have no idea where the fuvk to begin. I have no idea where in the hell my life just really fell thee fuck apart. I just wish I could pick up and leave and disappear, just the kids and I and nobody else. I’m so tired of this broke shit, it’s really ridiculous. My mom makes nothing easy as usual and I don’t even stay with her crazy ass. So I guess I should say I’m married and I have another Dashaun Bailey and he was born the day after my birthday. I’ve lost my home, I have two vehicles that are barely running, no job, no money and another possible pregnancy. On top of that I stay in a shelter and have a husband who from the beginning has shown me he will NEVER be able to provide for me or at the very least his own son. I’m so depressed, I’m so de-fuvking-pressed, it is not even funny anymore. I’m tired of being told to suck it up and deal, be strong, be encouraged, everything will be alright. I don’t feel things will ever be alright, I don’t find no truth in it at all. I’m starting to realize that maybe my husband and I rushed into this whole marriage deal and now I just feel trapped and stuck, I don’t want to feel like that. Darnell is the exact opposite of the type of man I pictured spending the rest of my life with. I have no type of security with him. No financial stability at all, no emotional support, no romance, no nothing. I honestly believe if it came down to defending my honor, he would fail at that too. We have no sex life, I hate having sex with him, no pleasure, but that’s all he seems to keep on his mind, all...the...time! If you knew how badly I wanted to go out for one night and have some really good fuvking sex. But it’s not me, not in my character because I’m the good girl, who’ll stay faithful until the very end. I’m truly unhappy and he doesn’t even seem to notice or even care. He tells so many lies, he’s actually starting to believe half the shit he says. I’m at a serious point of frustration and I don’t know what to do. Some days we so in love and some days we’re just okay, some days I hate him or can honestly say I despise him. We both could be doing better jobs than what either of us is doing, but I feel as a man, he should be striving for bigger and better things. I hate when we fight, he just gets to whining and begging, when he should be out in the fucking world, doing what he needs to do instead of being up my ass all damn day. I feel that as a man, he should want better for himself, he has a total disregard for his health and hygiene. He wants to kiss all the time but his breath be on a hunnit and his body order is atrocious. I deal with this shit because of these empty promises that he makes. It’s hard having real conversations with a person when every other thing/story that comes out their mouth is bullshit/full of shit and fabricated. In the beginning it was good, even though the sex was questionable, it was decent. He had other qualities that made him freaking awesome, but now all that has changed, why DID I get married?????? There’s more to this situation with him and then there is my mother as always. It may be a day or two before I get back to you, but I’m getting restless, I have an early start in the morning and my back is killing me. So until next time love, peace and a can of afro sheen.

DIMPLES

I just keep popping up with surprises huh? I wonder if you noticed what my passage put out there? Anyways, pack your shit, we’re about to hit the road, we’re moving!

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