Chapter 3: Sugar On His Rice
People used to always tell me, “the energy you bring into your life and choose to entertain, will eventually become the dominating force.” You have no idea how much I wish I had’ve just listened. Boi, when we’re young, we think the little bit of bullshit that life has thrown our way so far, is enough to have us thinking we know a little bit of something. I can tell you at 37, I still don’t know anything. Life is constructed of infinite lessons. We’ll always have obstacles in the way of our journey, to test us, in order to build us, which will inevitably make us stronger. We learn new things daily about people, the world and most importantly, ourselves!
Shortly after I lost my main source of income. Job number two went into bankruptcy and laid off the part-time employees and a few full-time. So when someone tells you, “when it rains, it pours,” take heed to what they’re saying because that saying is no lie. I don’t know if I just craved a man’s touch that badly or was delusional by the situation because I always wanted to be with Darnell. I should’ve known the relationship was doomed from the beginning, just by how it all started out. Was he everything I sought for in a man. In an intimate way, I suppose so. When I looked at him, was he what my children and I needed at that time? No! As a man, head of the household, was he capable of maintaining a family and a home? No! These were some essential fundamentals that I should have paid more attention to. So in retrospect, he was what I wanted, but never what I actually needed.
By now, Darnell has basically moved in and was living with me for the last three weeks and showed no interest in leaving anytime soon. Honestly, with the attention I was getting from him, that I felt I needed, I was not complaining.
Darnell for the most part all day everyday, just walked around barefoot in gym shorts and a t-shirt, with his hand tucked slightly in his shorts like the king of the hill. Nor did he even bother to get his ass up off the couch and at least pretend like he was looking for work or at the very least try and be productive in the home. Things were definitely and clearly escalating from bad to worse real quick in a short time frame. He did not contribute in any way. What little money I was able to bring in by doing hair and nails as a side hustle, Darnell was always sucking it up by wanting weed and alcohol. It was literally nothing left to do much with afterwards.
I myself, enabled a lot of his ways by constantly making excuses as to why he was the way he was. I made excuses for him not working, whether it was, he’s new to the area and needs time to settle in or he doesn’t have a driver’s licence so it’ll be difficult for him to find a really decent job in the area we lived in. I also allowed him to feed me bull crap as to why he was never motivated to want anything better for himself. Sadly, now that I’m older and know better, none of those reasons never involved him and/or the lack of effort on his part.
In a lot of ways I wanted him to know he had a good woman on his side. One that would have his back, since that was his biggest complaint about previous relationships. I wanted to be the better woman, the woman to hold the key to his needs. (lol) Look babe, if a man doesn’t want anything better for himself, he’s not going to do better and there is nothing you can say or do.
December 14th, 2008
Juss feelin a little under the weather right now. I was trying to do a family thing, but of course that was smashed to shit. I don’t feel appreciated. I feel like my kindness is being taken for granted. He always got a negative comment for everything. I feel nothing I do is good enough for him. Every time I try harder to please him the more disappointed I get. Always fucking talking about me being sensitive. How you think I feel when you say you wish I had somebody else’s ass. That doesn’t do shit but make me feel less attractive than I already do. Its already bad enough my family act as if they don’t five a fuck about me or my kids, but to have a man at home who act like he don’t appreciate shit, is starting to become nerve wrecking. I feel like even my own kids don’t appreciate the shit I do. Afterwhile, he gone start complaining the sex ain’t good to him no more. Why can’t I just find a guy that will accept me for me and all my flaws. That don’t care if I forgot to put some fucking sugar on his fucking rice. Well I’m running out of words so I’m done for now. Until later……..”
So as you can tell from this entry, I’m very well aware things are not right and are not working. This is where I keep asking myself, “why didn’t I tell him to pack his shit and take him home.”
My depression started to kick in big time. I started to not feel like myself at all. You remember my neighbor Janelle? Well Janelle was one of black women that had the type of booty anyone could appreciate and most women, including myself, wanted. She had all the curves in the right places. Darnell started to compare me to her and by doing that, he pretty much destroyed any confidence I might’ve had left. I always had a flat ass, no ass by any means but I had come to appreciate myself more. So I literally started distancing myself from someone I considered a true friend because a man wasn’t satisfied with my body type.
Most of my friends growing up, either had big butts or a petite little ass with nice curves. Some jerk would always make a rude remark towards me if I happen to be standing next to them. I remember this one time specifically because the guy that made the statement ruined my night from that moment and then some. Some time in the late 2000’s, a few friends and myself went to a concert for a really popular rap group that was out. This random guy behind me, pats me on my shoulder and says, “how does it feel to stand next to someone with an ass like that?” He was referring to my friend Nikki who was standing right next me. All I could do at the time was shake my head and turn back towards the stage, try to enjoy the remainder of the concert, knowing damn well I was crying inside and felt so broken, that was so damn embarrassing. People will never innerstand the the turmoil within, that a person like me feels and how those simple comments hurt like hell and destroy you at times.
For whatever reason, I accepted a lot of unnecessary crap from Darnell. Even when he fussed at me over some sugar on his rice. I kid you not, yes he did honey. This particular night for supper I made fried pork center cuts, white rice, whole corn and cornbread. I wasn’t raised on a lot of additives to your meal unless it was salt or pepper, so sugar on rice for me was unheard of and new. But besides the point, he yelled at me so loud that night, that even my children were no longer comfortable around him. A lot of times I figured the acceptance was due to the fear of being alone. Maybe even not being good enough for another man or even the fact another man wouldn’t want me because I have so many children at a young age. Unfortunately, I would never find out and him yelling at me over some rice was the least of my worries.