Chapter 5: Too Little Too Late
You’re probably saying, “Now Kay Kay, why would you stay after that.” That was the million dollar question I asked myself, pretty much throughout the duration of the relationship. I swear at every turn it was always something. Now that I look back on a lot of things in my past, somehow, I tricked myself into thinking I stayed because I loved him and I assumed he loved me and eventually we would come together, work things out and make something beautiful. And in the end, I only ended up playing myself and breaking my own heart.
As the parade started to deescalate for the evening. I pretty much just shutdown. I was void of emotion and immune to everything that was going on around me. You could say I was on auto pilot and the feeling soon became my friend. I smiled when I needed to, commented when expected to and I pretended that everything was okay. I am just completely baffled. How do you go from, explicitly telling me, “Bitch I will fucking kill you, to I love you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please forgive me,” blah, blah, blah, blah and blah, right? Dude, deep down inside I felt like shit, I thought I had arrived at the lowest point of my life or what I had assumed at that time, to be the lowest part of my life. I had absolutely no understanding, no fucking idea whatsoever, how far deep down the drain my life would actually go during the course of this relationship.
So this incident would have occurred in July 2009, let us skip ahead to around September 2009. During this time we were still living in the same townhouse and my birthday was quickly approaching. This anniversary of my birth rights would prove to be very disappointing. Since I was a mother who took care of her children, I worked and maintained our home, I made it my business for the last couple years, to go all out on my birthday, the one weekend out of the year that was just for me. 2009 did not go as I had planned at all.
See although I was employed by a popular pizza joint and was paying the bills. I still was not making enough to accommodate everyone in the home. For a short period of time, Darnell worked at the same pizza parlor. As usual though (lol) that did not last long at all and that will be something you’ll notice throughout the course of the book. Darnell found plenty of jobs, was hired by a lot of them, but for whatever reason, they never lasted. He would also, almost always choose jobs that I was employed at. This is where I felt the jealousy would come in and he would try to keep it just him and I. Most employers that I worked for, even though they were dissatisfied with him as an employee, they would allow him to keep his job based on my work ethic. Higher management admitted in the end, they also believed if they fired him, I would quit (smh)! After being promoted to a management position, if he was my employee, I most likely would have fired his ass too. He was lazy, he half assed most of his work, he flirted with most of the female staff to get them to do his work. On top of that, he talked back to his managers as if he owned the company. So eventually, he was terminated after I confirmed my continuation of employment.
Things had gotten so bad financially, we were falling short/behind on certain bills.The electric company finally caught up to us and wound up disconnecting the power. The bill itself just became extremely too high due to repeated episodes of nonpayments. So I spent my birthday in the dark. My children were in the dark for at the bare minimum of two months. I just could not keep up with the demands of my home and family.
In his own way, he tried to make up for the disappointment that I was feeling. He decided to walk to the grocery store nearby. The store was maybe only a mile, mile and a half. He returned with a beautiful Tinkerbell cake. Tinkerbell has always been and will forever be, my favorite animated character, then Tweety Bird. It was a yellow cake, vanilla cream cheese frosting, with a fairy like and spring green landscape background, that was filled with various bright colors. It was obvious he had ordered it because it wasn’t the usual cake that sat in the coolers on display. Still in all, it was an effort, an act of kindness, that was too little too late. I cracked up laughing while all the single females in the neighborhood were praising him for being such a caring and thoughtful man. I didn’t give a damn about no damn cake and 9/10 he used my food stamps to pay for it, IJS! I cared about the fact, it’s my birthday and my children were without power. There were appliances that I couldn’t use because they’re electric. Which meant, I spent more money on food, buying items that either didn’t need to be heated or refrigerated and food we could cook with the bar-b-que grill. How does that benefit you, me or these children?
With this right here, we’ll just chalk it up to me being young and dumb and too trusting. So some time after my birthday, maybe a month or two later, I eventually saved enough money to pay the electric bill off. The bill has gotten well over a few hundred. Darnell had gotten with somebody and came up on a 4 bedroom house. He had it all worked out already. With the money I had saved in combination with my next check, we’d have enough for the first month and security deposit. I allowed him to convince me that moving into this house would be the answers to all our problems. He stated he was down sometimes because the current house felt like it only belonged to the children and I. It would be better if we lived in something that felt like ours. That would also give him the motivation he needed to get everything together on a better footing, start fresh. Not only that, but the children were getting bigger and we did indeed need the extra room. Ironically, I agreed with him and when he took me to view the house, that was I really needed to be sold on the house. The area was small and quiet, it was a beautiful 2 level red brick four bedroom single family house. There was a full open basement floor plan, with a small room off to the side and off to the left was a wall that had a wash sink used for laundry, with connections for a wash and dryer. Upstairs on the main floor was three bedrooms, full bathroom, kitchen and a living and dining combo. I definitely wanted this house (lol)!
I did inform though, the bigger the house the bigger the responsibility. I asked if he would be able to help provide for the family and contribute to overall care of the home. He says “yeah man don’t worry man, it can only go up from here for us. I’ll get a good job and everything will be cool.”
Right before we were done moving out, he landed a temp type position at a local warehouse. It came with decent hours, pay was good, but where we were moving was on the other side of town, which meant he kept the car most days because of our schedules. You may be asking, “Well Liyah, why is Darnell keeping the car such a problem?” He doesn’t have a driver’s license and he liked to stunt, if you know what I mean. In addition to that, due to the job being a temporary to full-time position, it was on a first come first serve basis. Basically, you fought for hours and as they always say, the early bird gets the worm.
Unfortunately, I had come to learn that moving into this house would bring about another set of issues. Our sex life had become selfish. It always ended up with me feeling cheap, dirty and used, which brought on bouts of depression and disappointment. I felt like he was only after a nut, it was always one sided. I eventually turned to just taking care of myself in the shower. It seemed like all we did was argue. The arguments almost always ended the same way. He can see all of my flaws and faults and he, himself can never do any wrong.