To the person I'll spend my life with...

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This is me, writing this to my future husband, whoever he is...

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I want you to know that perfection is something I do not possess. In fact, the only thing I will know about perfection is that it starts with the syllables of your name and ends with itself wrapped around your soul. I have never been the happiest child and I know the world prefers pretty red hearts; but my life has always been a war zone and my heart? It resembles the night sky. Do you know I cry often? Whether it be during a sappy movie or perhaps while a song comes on the radio which ends up touching my heart; because you know that’s the thing about my heart, everything seems to touch it. I cry when I’m afraid and some days I’ll be so afraid you will wake up one day and decide that the surgery mark on my back is too ugly to you and my nose, too big. I’ll be afraid you’ll look into my soul and find me so ugly you’ll walk away and decide you just don’t love me anymore. You will tell me days on end you love me, you love me, you love me, but bear with me it’ll take time to hold this affection. When people will ask me about you, I tell them of happiness and God’s favorite angel in the form of a human gifted to me for something I perhaps had done to make my lord happy. I’ll tell them of your chocolate brown eyes and how I get lost within them every day. When you come back from work, I will hold you to my chest and make it feel like home. I will probably fall in love with the way your lips curve when you say my name or how your chest moves up and down like a rhythm when you sleep. Sometimes you’d get annoyed of me clinging on to you and you’ll get annoyed when I message you 97 times throughout the day asking if you’ve eaten, I will fall for this laugh of yours which you may find ugly, and I will show you gardens of love you’ve never seen before. I will take notes of every single mark on your body and find you to be the greatest form of art. I’ll find stars in your eyes and bear with me, I know that sounds a little off guard, but I will find an entire universe and put it in your hands. Did I tell you I adore our conversations? Conversations with depth – I mean tell me about your bad days and that one thing that keep you awake at night. Or that one thing that happened that touched your soul when someone said something to you that you will never forget. I promise I’ll take your fears and make them mine and I’ll take your problems and paint them upon myself so you don’t have to feel them. When we have our “I love you more” fights I’d giggle and hug you so tight I will break your ribcage. You may love me but I will always love you more – it’s just the way it is. I guess fate has molded me this way. But I will name each of my breaths after you and hug you again so close to me – but I just ask for one thing in return. Promise me you will never leave me because death really terrifies me and I’ve already hugged death in the form of an angel who came before you, couple of years ago. That’s another thing you should know about me, while the world lives every day and dies once – I’ve died every day and lived once. And I will only ever live if you stay by my side and promise to never leave me because God damn, am I scared of dying again. I want you to know that you’ll be protected by me in every way. When life seems rough and the world feels too big, I’ll be right there to feel it all so you don’t have to. You see, I’m going to put you on top of my world and you’ll become the apple of my eyes; and I’ll work day and night to make sure that there’s always a smile upon your face. You’re going to be my reason to smile but the days you feel like the world is falling upon you, I’ll gift you some of my smiles and this overflowing love in my heart will carry this falling world. I’ll learn all of your weird little habits until they become my favorite things about you. These habits that would annoy others will become jewels of my heart. I want you to know that God has placed a lot of love in me and perhaps all of it is written for you. There’s going to be days when love won’t be written all over my face – and my heart will be too numb to write you love letters. But I want you to know that this is the same woman who secretly stays up extra late to pray for you and the same woman who’ll wake up extra early so your breakfast is ready. Sometimes we’ll laugh in each other’s faces and sometimes there will be pillows between us at night. But I hope our love is so strong that even if we try to run away, we still run back to each other’s arms. I’ll treat everything yours as if it is mine and take care of it as if it is mine. Whether that be your parents, your possessions, anything & everything. Really. You’re a book full of chapters and I want to sit, learn and read so I can understand how you need to be loved. I will not judge you of your bad chapters and I really hope you won’t either. In fact, we’ll hold each other and I’ll tell you about my chapters and we can look at the old us together. We can look at the old us together and create new, better, beautiful chapters. I’ll learn about your family and you can learn about mine. When we become old and grey, we can read the whole book and reminisce on our favorite chapters; wouldn’t that be beautiful? I cannot wait. You see, when I think of you – even the thought of becoming old and grey seems exciting because I’ll be with you. Sometimes you’ll be hard to understand and some days so will I, in fact, some days we’ll become a puzzle; and you know what? We hate puzzles. But promise me that despite our bad days our love will always remain strong. I want you to know that not only you will be my lover, but you’ll also be my best friend – and every time there’s a tint of sadness in your lovely eyes, I’ll be the first to see it. I’ll be there for you every step of the way, during our midlife crisis, when we have our first child, when it learns to walk for the first time, through it all. We can travel corners of this world and create such beautiful memories that the pain of the past will become old and blurry. Couple of years back I never thought everything would ever be okay; but I know that when I’ll look into your eyes, watch you laugh or see you smile; I’ll be determined to believe that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay. That it really be okay. It is said that time heals all wounds and I never had the heart to ever believe that until I found you. You see I’m a person who has lived in a world of anxiety and bad people and I have gotten my heart shattered by the last person I gave this heart to. I had begun to believe that darkness is the only thing I will ever have my heart attached to and trust me when I say, I had completely forgotten what light even is. Days used to feel like dark stormy nights and even when the sun greeted me every morning, I wasn’t able to ever feel it. It wasn’t until I felt you in my heart and soul that I began to realize that my sun isn’t the one that shines for the world – my sun is you. The moment you began to feel like my sun I promised myself that all this light you make me feel without realizing, is the same light I want to gift back to you. I want to spend my days making you realize that you came as an angel in my life and although the world may think of you as ordinary, I think of you as something beyond that. I often find myself asking God what I could possibly do to gift you all the happiness in the world, but then I realize that I’m so little and I’ve got no power in me to gift you anything. So, I make a prayer to God every day of my life to give you every form of happiness in the world and to take your dried wounds and make them into stars, stars that I will always hold so close to my heart. I don’t know how to tell you how much it scares me to think of losing you. To think that I could lose a sun again in my life; because how do I tell you? I am so tired of travelling amongst hearts and it is your heart that feels the most like home. How do I tell you? That I will give you love you’ve never had before and take you into a world you’ve never seen. It scares me to know how much I could possibly love you, especially when I had begun to believe that I can’t ever love. I am not going to put your happiness above mine, in fact I’m going to make your happiness my happiness. I’ll do everything in my power to grow flowers in your world; just please don’t ever leave. And even if the whole world turns against you, I can promise you, you will always find me beside you; just please don’t ever leave. Stay by my side and we can conquer the world, because you make me strong. We come across people who stay within our lives for a certain amount of time and eventually leave us and show us that they were only just a lesson to teach us something. I used to always wonder why people left, but it wasn’t until I found you that I realized that – if those people never left would I have found you? If certain things never happened how would I have ever come across you? You make me want to thank God for every loss because the gain is so golden, I don’t feel any loss anymore. But it terrifies me. All this terrifies me because now I have so much to lose and I don’t know how to sit and plead, and beg on my knees for you to never leave. Don’t ever leave because I promise as long as you keep me by your side, I will never let anything dark cross your path ever again. And even if life throws storms across your path, I will become your shield so you will never have to battle through a storm alone. I will never let go of your hand even if the entire world turns against me; because after all, you have become my sun. Have I ever told you how amazing you are? Or that I genuinely believe there can be no one cuter than you? I’m sure I have; oh, my I do that all the time and you’ll get to hear that from me quite a bit. I know, I know, it may get annoying but I can’t help it – and I know a part of you secretly loves it. I can see it in your smile. Did I mention your smile has its way of soothing me? Really. On bad days when I cannot find any motivation, I think of that smile of yours – and without even realizing I find myself smiling. Magical, isn’t it? I really do think so. You may wonder why I compliment you so much; well of course it’s because I adore you, but it’s also because when I say something corny such as “you’re the cutest”, your eyes shy around and you look away from me trying not to smile when we both know that there’s an adorable smile trying to fight you and form itself. You don’t know how hard this makes me smile inside especially on days when my heart really doesn’t want to beat, let alone feel a smile. Oh, bad days! I have a lot of those. Let me tell you right now. I have a lot of bad days and I’ve had a lot of bad days for the past years that I have been alive. A lot has happened in my life and sometimes it does worry me that if I were to expose my past life to you, or even my present one – you may think of me differently. Or what if you find it in yourself to judge the life I’ve lived? Sometimes I truly do wonder what you’ll think of me once I tell you the filthy, dark and ugly secrets embedded within my life. I hope you accept me for what I’ve lived within and tell me that despite it all you still want to be by my side. I promise to be by yours. Despite any ugliness or darkness, I promise to be here. And I hope you promise too. Speaking of darkness, you do know you’ll never have to experience any form of darkness alone, ever again, right? I’ll be there through it all. When you’ve had a long stressful day, I’ll give you the warmest embrace ever. I want to feel the tension dissolve from your shoulders and hear your breath become gentle. I want you to feel that everything will be okay, and I want to fill you with the energy you need to face tomorrow. I believe in you. I am quite a sucker for hugs – I’ll probably need a lot of them. Mostly to glue back all my broken pieces because I’m sure even the slightest embrace from you will put me back together as if I was never broken to begin with. I’m going to need you to hold me and tell me it’ll be okay; and trust me, I’ll believe you. Did I tell you, that creating a beautiful future with you is one of the major things pushing me forward to a tomorrow? Did I tell you that after falling for you I’ve begun to believe everything is truly going to be okay when all my life I had a trouble believing that? No, I’ve never told you because I don’t have the courage in me to do so. It makes me come off as a weak or vulnerable person but you see, I guess that’s who I am. You are magical. Making another being want to live another day. Anyway, you know I’m the kind of person who will let you fall asleep in my lap, or on my chest, or in my arms and I won’t move a muscle because I’ll be in love with the way you look? I will randomly pull you in closer at night, hold onto you tightly and will not let go of you – I hope you’re okay with that. I know you’ve had love in the past, but you see there’s people who love with their hearts and then there’s people like me who love with their soul. We’re the ones who can’t let go. Not now, not ever. I can tell you right now, that we will create a very beautiful life together and I hope you’re excited for that as much as I am. Also, I wanted to say, that you’re my favorite person. If you happen to read this, I hope you smiled with that smile of yours. And I hope the smile is bright and big. Sometimes I worry you don’t believe me when I show you, I love you because you can’t fathom how anyone could feel that way about someone like you. That’s the thing, I have so much love embedded within me that most people tend to believe this is something too good to be true. It’s funny how people leave when they find no love but I learnt that sometimes too much love makes people run away too. Love is supposed to make a person strong but it tends to make so many other people fall to their knees. They become afraid of all this love being handed out to them. I don’t want you to be afraid, love is the most powerful force in the world and the biggest gift from god; and the more you fall within my love, the tighter I’ll catch you. Truth is, my love is too good to be false. My love for you can never be false and I hope I never find it in yourself to question the love that I have for you. If you didn’t deserve all this love, I give you in handfuls, God would have never put me in your direction. God chose you out of 7 billion people for my love. I know there may be some unfortunate days in which you’ll find yourself questioning my love or God forbid, questioning “us” but I want to tell you that if that ever happens, I need you to remember God. Why God? Because it’s been Him who has been by our sides, getting us through every tough obstacle we’ve faced together and has always made sure that our paths are one. Only you and I know of those obstacles and who knew it was possible to come out stronger and better? I want you to remember that it has been through my prayers and through the mercy of God that all this love of mine is written for you. If you ever find yourself questioning anything, just think of God, my prayers and my presence which has never left your side even through the darkest of moments. I know there are times you become distant and cold and you believe that a cold distance is the best solution to whatever dark alleyway your mind leads you too. And I love you; so, I respect that. It does become difficult for my heart sometimes when you start walking towards another alleyway all alone and not bring me with you; because we promised that whatever alleyway each of us go, we will be sure to bring the other with us. It becomes hard sometimes because I begin to feel helpless when you turn your back towards me and not tell me why. I want your ease, but it would make it so much easier for me if you could tell me; I need some ease too. Oh my! I need some ease too. If your cold distance makes you question anything, think of all the good times and the happy moments such as when you felt like a free soul running through a garden of roses in this very love. Think of the words I stitch for you and how I write your beautiful soul into pieces of poetry that I share with the world; because I want to show the world that there is this incredibly beautiful person whose smile can fix the broken and make you feel alive again. Because there is this person with a smile so incredible, that I often find myself praising God for the artwork that he has created. Think of this absolutely crazy girl who is head over heels in love with you and no matter how much you push her away during your dark moments you’ll always find her back at your doorstep. I know this absolutely crazy girl can come off as annoying person sometimes but it’s only because you mean the world to her and she knows what is best for you and what isn’t. how can she not know? She’s read your soul inside out. I want to remind you tonight, that whatever questions you may have for life – through it all just remember that you’ve been blessed with so much love. And trust me, you wouldn’t ever want to question or reconsider a God’s gift. Ever.
You know I’ll stay up extra late just so I can pray for you and the day you’ll have ahead. I need to make sure no harm touches you and that my prayers are always with you. I’ll wear you like a precious pearl necklace around my heart. In the eyes of the world you’re just a man, but in my eyes you’re nothing but treasure. When the sun has set and the moon has arrived, come lay in my arms while I tell you about the diamonds you store in every corner of your soul. The moon will smile at our love because while she pours her heart out to me about the sun, I pour my heart out to her about you. I tell her how you look like her, a beautiful glow, calm and gentle, lighting up my dark skies in grace. I can’t hold you right now, but when your nights are dark and you need the presence of a dear one, look at the moon; and find me in it. I will grow flowers in all the places the world hurt you in the past, and on the days the world hurts you again, I’ll kiss you and grow a rose in the places that hurt. Right now, you’re far away from me, so I love you through my prayers. I put my heart in my hands and ask God to give me all your tears because no way do, I want discomfort in the eyes of my pearl; I tell Him to give me all your tears so I can shed them for you. I tell Him to hand me all your troubles so I can feel them for you. I shed a tear last night, maybe it was yours. It did feel a lot like you. I’ve been feeling quite troubled these days, maybe it’s your troubles handed to me. Don’t worry, when the world ever asks me if I’m okay, I’ll smile & tell them that “I am. As long as my pearl is okay”. Sometimes you’ll sit there and question, who is she and from what dust is she made from? How can anyone ever have so much love for me? I want you to sit & remind yourself that someone precious like you deserves the whole universe and if I had it within me, I’d even give you that. I want my eyes to be a resting abode for you; a place to run to after a long day, a shelter on rainy evening. When people ask me about you, I’ll tell them about an angel disguised as my best friend and the love of my life. We’ll take walks into each other’s souls and talk about things we’ve never said out loud before. I mean, tell me about the things that kept you awake at night when you were younger. Or the times you felt like you want to leave this world but now you’re in here in the warmth of my arms. How about that one thing that made you laugh so hard your stomach began to ache? How about the silly, crazy and stupid things you did in your youth? Oh, I’m going to apologize in advance, but you’ll find me staring at you a lot. Not in a crazy creepy sense, but in the admiring sense. I’m just cherishing this art for my poetry and if your eyes ever catch me, I’d probably smile and shy away. Give me a child with your stubborn heart, your even temper and your enchanted smile so that even when you’re gone from this world, the world will find within them all the reasons why I loved you. Love is a crazy thing, I’m sure you’ve felt it before & forgot what it feels like now. This is why I’m here now, my love. To show you that love is the most powerful force in the world and when it’s attached to the blessings of God, you feel it to the brim. Love doesn’t happen overnight, but I promise you, you’ll get so much love from me that you’ll know about nothing but love & only love. My love is already travelling to you, through my silent and heartfelt prayers. I hope you take my prayers and hug them tight; it’ll help me sleep with ease at night. You know when someone walks to you and gives you a hug? But then there’s the kinds of hugs when someone runs into you after years apart and bumps into your chest? Just like that, when the distance is gone, I’ll run into you so hard that happiness will bump into your chest & all these years apart will feel so worth it. If only you knew, the tears I shed for you already. If only you knew the love I already carry. Waiting for you is a little hard sometimes; many times, I wish I could just take you with my arms right now and hold you as tightly as I possibly can. But it is said that true love is always worth waiting for and when the distance is gone it is one of life’s most beautiful experiences. It’s like a gift from God for being so patient and having faith in Him. It is true that I cannot be there with you right now nor be able to do anything with you or for you and it does make me feel upset & weak sometimes; but you know what else is true? That I’m not here to spend time with you, I’m here to spend my entire life with you. I talk to God about you a lot, and I love you through my prayers; because it is all I have. It is said that prayer is the most powerful weapon and that true love is the world’s most powerful force. And to know that I have both makes me realize that I am indeed the strongest lover there could possibly ever be. You may have your heart’s door closed on me right now, but I will wait as long as you need and I will patiently wait outside your doors; because I have faith that my prayers and love will let you open them to me someday soon. We all need an embrace sometimes, a hug to take away the ache. Once you let me in, I won’t just hug you, I will embrace myself around your heart with the prayers I make for you and open your eyes to a whole new world. A world without any ache. No matter how many words I stitch, they still fall short in expressing the love that I carry for you. I love you too much to let you go and I will wait as long as you need me too. Because I have faith, that this whole universe will fight along with me, to make you mine. The world may give you the ship my dear – but I promise I’ll give you the journey. It is sad that the wrong love makes you wonder where God is and the right love makes you feel him everywhere. I didn’t realize that until I felt myself shed tears in your name under the moonlight when the rest of the world was sound sleep. I converse of you with God until the peak of dawn & it’s just the moon and I. I talk to the moon about your smile and how it reminds me of a blooming rose in a world of eternal rain. Your smile makes my heart weep to God of how I want nothing but every form of happiness within your path – and I tell Him to take any sadness lingering in your soul & give it to me. As God watches you bathing within my eyes with my hands raised towards the seven skies, I can feel Him gently hold the both of us. My dear, it is a feeling beyond comprehension, it is like someone is telling me that my love and your heart is safe. Every time you’re sick, I will leave everything and hold you close to me & I wouldn’t care if I get sick too, I would just want to give you comfort and love no matter what it would take. I’ll 7call you “my prince” & you may wonder why – and then I’d tell you “oh love, why wouldn’t I?”. your mother is a queen and your father the king for raising a beautiful human such as yourself and for me to have you in my life, makes me feel no less than a princess. You know how much I love you and trust me, I will love your parents even more than that. My love for you is beyond your imagination, you don’t even know the love I’ll give your king and queen. Of course, they’re mine too now. With that being said, sweetheart – I’ll make your home a kingdom – I’ll fit my love and make you the crown I wear on my heart. Many days, you’ll hide your storms from me, but I will read your eyes and fall within your soul just in time to catch your storms and make them mine. Your habits which annoy the world will annoy me too, but your cuteness will make me laugh them off and make these habits the pearls of my existence. Your picky personality, your strong attitude – they’ll become my favorite things about you; because they make you. Bad and good; they all mold you into my prince. Sometimes in the middle of the night you may hear me weeping, don’t be worried, it’s just me praying for you. Sometimes I can feel my heart loving you so much, tears come out and hug my cheeks. We will work day and night to make sure all our dreams come true; even small baby steps towards our goals – we will cheer each other on. I will celebrate the smallest of steps as your best friend, that everyday when you wake up and look in the mirror, you will truly feel like a prince. I will prove to you that you are worth the entire universe. I will become your second mom and hold you close to me like you mother once did and I will message you 50 times throughout the day asking if you’ve eaten. I will make cooking my love language and make sure that you stomach is getting the same love your mother gives you. My love will make you explode into art and when people ask me about you, I will tell then the story of how I prayed for an angel, and God gifted me you. I will tell them of you, of this masterpiece and how it lives inside every fiber of my being. See what I mean? I’ll make life so beautiful for my prince that you’ll forget what life other than beauty feels like. And at times, when the world is falling and your heart is struggling – I’ll take your hand and walk you through the broken; being your shield. We will leave foot prints of our love within this Earth that when generations come after us, they will ask God for a love as pure and real as ours. Together we’ll make this ugly world a beautiful place to be in.

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