I stood next to the bed crying as he walked into the closet taking out his suitcase and going back into the closet to get his clothes.
“STOP! All you do is cry and beg. I’m so sick and tired of it! I’M SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL! OF YOU!” He yelled as he pointed a finger at me.
I couldn’t help but cry more, I let the tears fall and watched him as he packed his clothes.
“Just be happy I’m leaving the house to you. I’ve cancelled everything dealing with the wedding. You could keep everything I leave here.”
He stopped and shook his head, “I don’t know what I ever saw in you. You were a waste of time. You’re worth nothing.”
That was his last words before he took all of his stuff and left.
I couldn’t handle the humiliation of seeing my friends and family, so I stayed locked up in our home that we build together.
I cried and cried until I couldn’t.
I couldn’t handle such pain, so I hurt myself. I cut my thighs. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I felt so hideous. I felt worthless.
You must be wondering, were was my family and friends while I drowned myself in my depression. I shut them all out. I had told them I needed space. They would check up on me, but I would always make sure to hide the scars behind a smile and a long skirt.
I had cut my thighs too deep one night that lead to me losing plenty of blood.
My sister had found me in the bathtub and all I could hear was her scream before the darkness took me in.
It’s been a year now.
You would think I’ve completely healed, but the truth is I’m still miserable. I don’t cut myself anymore even though sometimes I get that itch too, but I stop myself.
I still cry, but it’s not every single day. So, I am getting a little better. I still can’t really look at myself in the mirror.
Dean’s words had cut deep and the scars are still healing.
I’m honestly glad he had left. I really am, but it still hurts because I loved him. How could you go from spending six years together to ending it four days before your wedding date?
I could never understand it.
But imagine if we did get married. I would be miserable for the rest of my life. He was a monster.
He beat me up with harsh words that I had lost all confidence in myself. That all my independence was totally flushed down the toilet and I was left to depend on him.
How could have I let myself be with someone like that? But how could I not? He was the first to approach me, the first guy to show affection towards me, he was my first for everything.
I don’t know if I could handle going into another relationship. I’m too scared.
“Abby. Pass the salt.” My older sister said as she stirred the fried rice in the pot.
We both were in the kitchen making breakfast as the rest of the family were either just waking up, getting ready or sitting in the living room watching Frozen with the kids.
Two months after my sister had found me in my bathtub, I had sold Dean and I’s house, and I moved in with my parents. I donated all of Dean’s belongings he had left behind and the stuff he had given to me.
I needed to get out of that suffocating place and let’s just say my whole family had come up with so many plans to go and ruins Dean’s life. But I put a stop into all of it, he honestly wasn’t worth it.
I’m glad I’m here with my family. They all helped me go through this pain, even if there’s still more left, I know I’m healing. Slowly.
I passed Aubrey the salt and continued on chopping the carrots for the chicken soup.
“Mom told me Toby has been hanging around here trying to get someone’s attention.”
I smiled and shook my head, “Toby is a really sweet guy, but I’m not ready. I truly believe Stacey should date him.”
Aubrey snorts, “That bitch would be too much for Toby. Plus, Toby’s eyes isn’t on Stacey. And at least go on a date with him or hang out with him. Y’all should talk and all. Give him a chance.”
I placed the carrots into the chicken soup and started stirring. “I can’t. You know I’m afraid. You all know that I am. I can’t go through that pain any longer. I’m still healing from the past. I feel like I won’t or might not even be completely healed.” Tears threatened to roll down my cheeks, but I quickly wiped them away.
“I’m sorry. I just want you to see that not every man out there is the same as Dean. Every man is different. Abby, I just-“ she sighs and turns me around to face her-“I just want you to live on. Meet other people. You know? I don’t want you to think all the words that came out of Dean’s dirty mouth is true. You are worth everything, Abby. You deserve love again. You deserve a man who will make you happy and feel worthy. I also want to see and make sure that you love you. I know us ladies don’t really need a man to make us happy and all-“ She laughs and shakes her head-“ and here I am pushing a man to you.”
“I know you all just want me to be happy and I am. I’m happy here with you guys. I really am.”
Aubrey nods her head and gives me a hug. She lets go and yells, “Breakfast is ready!”
“Seriously, right near my ear?”
Aubrey giggles and shrugs her shoulders.
As I’m transferring the chicken soup into a big container, I hear the front door opening and closing after. Just then, Aubrey’s daughter, Anna, comes rushing in. “Mommy, uncle Toby is here and he brought lots of flowers.”
Aubrey and I stare at each other. “Honey, did he say who the flowers were for?”
“Well, let’s go find out.” Aubrey carries the bowl of fried rice as she guides Anna to walk out of the kitchen with her.
I follow after her and as I step into the dinning room, our eyes meet.
I won’t lie. Toby is a charming and handsome man. But like what I had told Aubrey, I’m afraid and I'm not ready. I know not all men all the same, but just the thought of feeling that pain again scares me.
I never spoken to Toby. Not even a word. He speaks to me and tries to make me talk to him by asking questions like, ‘how was my day or did I sleep good?’
But I never answered a single one. I would either just look at him or shake my head and move away from him and he wouldn’t come after me or force an answer out of me. He would just give me a big smile and nod his head.
I sometimes think he’s a little cucoo, because he would always leave with a giant smile and a satisfied look on his face, as if I had said something to him, but i always replied with either a shrug or a shake of my head.
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