“Please tell me you’re not crying under there.” Esther’s chest drops with her words and she makes her way over to me.
I am crying. Silently, as I’m used to.
She draws the curtain of hair hiding my tilted head and gently tucks it behind my ear. Kneeling down so that we’re almost nose to nose, she keeps her hand at the base of my ear and softly strokes my cheek with her thumb. With her free hand she catches one of the tears running down the side of my nose.
I don’t move. Not my eyes, or my head. The only thing that does is my mouth, quivering with shattered breath.
It’s all fallen apart.
I fought against it all, I thought I had at least.
Convulsions of pain hit my chest every second, pulsing through the millions of veins and vessels straight to the centre. No walls, no barricades, no protection. Every jab is undefended; effortless. It takes up so much of me that there’s no room in my head to focus on the feeling in my toes, or the warmth of Esther’s hand on my wrist. All of those little details - the ones that tell you you’re real, conscious, human – they’re numb to me.
“Don’t cry over an ass. And he’s an asshole, the worst part of the ass. It’s not worth it,” she tries to reason with me.
Her voice is a soothing tone but that tone doesn’t reach me. All that makes its way through the chaos inside, is her words. And suddenly that chaos of pain makes its own path. It rages and stings, swarms up my throat and crams into my mouth. All I can do is let it out.
“It’s a damn. A damn damn at the tip of my spine.” My croaking voice is aimed at the floor, I don’t blink or move my gaze for a second.
“ It’s always there, never untouched. Leaks. Everyday another leak. Every loss another blow to the structure. I’d pushed back the water, I’d held it in place, I’d sealed the cracks with everything I had, even when I had nothing. No matter how much time it took.
Pain pain pain.
I said no more pain.
I said no more, I sealed them, I sealed the cracks. And then that door shut. It shut and it all meant nothing. The water crashed into my repairs and it flooded. That damn damn is finally gone. One click of a lock and its gone.”
I sob, I wheeze, my breath and heart so unsteady my entire body shudders. Though it appears weak over a cloak of tensed muscles. The violent seizures I feel come out in mere vibrations. I can see my the light shaking in my hands, and I hear my breath but it doesn’t sound like it’s screaming from my lungs. I don’t look like a throbbing, pulsing mass of flesh ready to explode, but that’s what it feels like.
If my body feels so out of control, how is it so still?
I almost feel as if I’m looking through another person’s eyes. A wild rupture of every sense of stability, a tornado, a storm of godly nature. And it can’t be looked upon, no eyes can pierce through my skin and see the eruption inside.
This is why I will always be truly alone.
Why we will always be truly alone.
Esther’s deep sigh as she squishes next to me cuts into that feeling. It shows how truthful it really is. And at the same time, how alone the theory in itself is.
“You can’t put that much responsibility on one person Elena.” Her arm goes to pull me in but I jerk it away, my glare now aimed at her. She may have been trying to comfort me, but that careless slip of tongue flew right past its intent.
The untamed blood sizzling inside of me boils over and scorches my veins.
“It wasn’t one person that made me this way Esther! The proverbial straw was not six foot long! Do you think the camel’s back broke from one pathetic paper thin piece of hay? No Esther, I do not put everything I have in the hands of one person and I do not need that one person to make me whole. I just have so many pieces lost to me that that one piece seems like so much more right now.”
The streams of tears are stuck to my cheeks like super glue, so strong and so permanent. And my throat is so raw now that a simple breath claws through my sinuses. But that’s pain, pain is good because means I can feel more than my emotions.
I start to notice the smaller details around me, the things that couldn’t even enter my vision a few moments ago; the yellowing rings of coffee on the table, the frayed tears in the couch, Esther’s desperate clutch on my wrist.
“I know, I know sweetie.” Her arm wraps around me once again, and this time I accept it. I slump into her, reaching my arm around her waist and close my eyes.
Maybe we are all alone. Maybe I’m all alone. But right now Esther’s alone with me, and that’s more than good enough.
****** This chapter is named after... You guessed it, another song! I know I know, “give it a rest already” but these are gooood songs, do check them out if you haven’t heard them before ;) And let me know if you do! Sorry that this chapter was a bit uneventful, I was going to have this one longer but I felt this bit was better on its own. *******