I sit next to Master on the couch and watch Ivy, Master’s niece, aggressively latches onto Jena’s breast. Several questions fly through my head as I observe.
Why is it doing that?
Why is she letting it?
I don’t know much about babies, or children. I never really have seen them before like in real life.
When we ate dinner it didn’t eat with us, but I think that’s because it doesn’t have teeth or something.
I remember hearing somewhere that babies don’t have teeth. They obviously grow teeth or something when they are older, because then they become big like me, but still....
Why is Ivy attaching herself to her mother?
Is that normal?
Master and Gina and George aren’t making it a big deal so it must be normal.
I want to ask Master what she is doing, but that would be rude. So instead of asking him what Jena is doing I simply snuggle up into his back.
I’m sitting behind him as he sits on the edge of the chaise flipping through movies while everyone else talks about what they want to watch.
I haven’t ever seen any of these movies before. They all look so interesting and I wonder if they are any good.
I haven’t really ever watched TV, I have never been aloud to before.
I don’t really know if I’m even suppose to be watching the TV now, but Master hasn’t said anything and he usually does if he wants me to do something.
“We are not watching that movie again. We watch that movie at least twice a year”. Master complains with a groan as he continues to flip through more movies.
“But that’s my favorite! It’s such a good movie”, Jena whines throwing a pillow.
She misses terribly and the pillow flies over and hits me. I don’t bother deflecting it, I just flinch into Master and let the pillow fall beside me.
Master doesn’t listen to Jena’s requests anymore, but instead he switches through movies with much darker covers.
Him and Mason argue playfully about which movie to watch, but I sincerely hope it will be none of these.
Pictures of scary girls, with blood, and bones and other dark things litter the cover and I don’t want to watch it.
I want to tell Master that, but he didn’t ask my opinion and I won’t give it when it wasn’t asked for.
I want to be a good girl for him tonight.
I know he said I wasn’t bad yesterday, but I know he was mad at me.
“Oh this is such a good one”, Master says clicking on one.
That can’t be too scary right? The cover gives me chills, but how scary can it be.
The movie starts and Master throws the remote down on the sofa before laying back with his head in my lap.
I didn’t mean to have us in this position, I try to move but Master stops me, “You’re fine, stay still”. Master commands tapping my knee.
I nod and try to stay still.
I last about two minuets.
It’s too much. I want to ask Master to turn it off, but he and his family are engrossed in the film.
I don’t think he will understand either if I tell him I don’t want to watch this. Good girls are suppose to like what their Master’s do.
And Master thinks I’m a good girl.
I’m not a good girl though. I’m just stupid.
Stupid little Leah.
Master is nice and doesn’t say anything about it, but we both know I’m not smart or a good girl.
The gore gets too much and I can’t watch it any more. I close my eyes and try to picture myself somewhere else.
It works for a while, I am thinking about being back at the beach with Master, and how he played in the waves with me, and kissed me, but it doesn’t work.
Once a girl on the TV starts to scream I can’t help but cringe. I try to keep quite, so I don’t disrupt Master. Memories flash through my head.
“You little rat!” Master growls, dragging me up the stairs by my hair. I try not yell out, but he yanks me up behind him harshly.
“I told you not to go outside!” Master scolds, throwing me against the hallway wall.
My ten year old body ricochets off the wall and I land by my Master’s feet. His foot comes down on my shoulder and it feels like my shoulder is ripped from my body.
Silent tears run down my cheeks. I just want to go and hide in my room. It may be cold, but at least I won’t be yelled at.
I know I shouldn’t have gone outside without permission. It was against the rules after all, but Master promised to take me outside to play and he never did.
I ask him when he is in a good mood when he will, but he always say later.
He promised me that seven months ago. He promised...
I thought he wouldn’t notice if I sat on the back porch for just a minute and watched the stars.
I just wanted to be outside, even if for just a little bit. I couldn’t even remember the last time I was aloud to play outside.
“I leave you downstairs by yourself to clean up dinner and this is how you repay me?” Master yells harshly, grabbing my arm and dragging me the rest of the way to his room. “I let you eat some of my food and have some of my water and this is what you do? Huh? You sneak outside like you fucking own the place and take a self-declared vacation,” Master rants rhetorically.
My shoulder flares up and I see fireworks behind my eyes as Master yanks me into his bed by the arm he kicked.
The girl on the Television screams again and I press my hands over my ears, praying it blocks out the horrid sound of screaming.
It brings back memories from my old Master and I just want to run away and hide.
Flesh is ripped apart and blood cakes the scene of the movie.
"Oh, Leah, why are you crying?” Master ask rhetorically. I know he is mocking me and that makes me sob even harder.
Master crouches down to my eye level and I turn away from his gaze, making sure not to look him in the eyes.
My vision is blurred with tears and I cling to my stomach as if I was holding myself. I feel as if I let go, I might unravel completely, leaving myself in even more of a mess than I already am.
“I don’t remember saying you could be a crying little bitch?” Master says slowly, wiping a tear from my cheek. “You’re just getting what you deserve, Leah,” Master reminds me, standing up before he grabs a flogger. “Remember that.” Master says harshly before he brings the thick leather down on me.
The leather rips through my skin worse than anything he has ever used on me before. A gasp is the only sound to leave me because the air is knock out of my chest.
I feel like I’m choking. Chocking on pain. It spreads through my back and into my lungs.
The feeling of suffocating is forgotten quickly though once Master begins to strike me more.
I scream out in pain now and watch as blood flows off of my sides and down to the blood stained floor beneath me as I clutch over in pain.
The whip catches my left hand which is wrapped around my side and I scream out louder as a deep wound is sliced through my hand.
The back is cut open completely and the bone is almost visible through the blood now pouring from the open wound.
The scent of blood fills my nostrils and I once again feel like I’m choking. This time though it is the smell of blood doing it to me.
There is so much of it and I feel dizzy. Blood covers my hands and runs across my sides and down my back onto the floor.
I want to beg Master to stop, but I know he won’t.
Just like he said, I was getting what I deserved.
I don’t want to be here anymore I just want to hide now.
Hide from this movie.
From Master’s family.
I don’t mean to think bad thoughts, but I just want to be alone.
Master won’t understand why the movie makes my skin crawl or body shake. He won’t understand how the gore or screams bring back my own memories.
Master won’t understand if I tell him I can’t watch this. He will want to ask me questions, or force me to go see doctor Harvey or talk to Mr Hue.
I don’t want to see either of them anymore. Doctor Harvey was scary and Mr. Hue got me punished.
No, Leah. You go yourself punished.
That’s right, I get what I deserve.
“Rylan.” Jena’s voice says sharply, cutting into the sound of something on the movie.
“Wha–” Master’s hand finally wrap around me and pull me into his lap, “Leah, you’re fine. It’s okay,” he soothes, flattening down my hair and letting me hide in his chest.
I want to curl up in a hiding place somewhere else, but this will do.
When I cup my ears tight enough, I can no longer hear the horrid movie playing.
I don’t want Master to ask what’s wrong. He will want me to talk about it and I don’t want to.
How can I explain that I was such a bad girl? Am a bad girl.
How can I talk about my past without reliving it?
“Leah,” Master sighs in what sounds like frustration, making me sink into myself even more.
I made Master mad. I’m such a bad girl.
Master’s hands run through my hair, distracting me momentarily from the horrible memories flashing through my mind. “That’s it calm down,“,Master encourages, resting back into the coach.
A blanket is pulled over my back and I duck, so it covers my head. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be alone in the dark, hiding.
“Are you trying to hide from me?” Master asks, amused. He pulls the blanket from my head and I bury my face into his shirt to try and block out the world.
I want to be left alone.
“Oh, Darling, it’s just a movie,” Master ties to comfort. I shake my head no.
It wasn’t just a movie.
It was a trigger for almost every horrible memory which was held in my mind.
“We will watch something else, okay?” Master says as he tries to pry my hands away from my ears. I claw at his hands as he tries to take away my hands which are the only things helping the memories from coming back.
I know if I hear the girl screaming again or see more blood, I will remember more.
“Hey, Leah... you’re hurting me, Darling,” Master says with a slight groan as he finally pins my clawing hands to his chest.
Jena has already changed the television to something else. The screen is not dark, people aren’t screaming, blood doesn’t cover the floor.
“There we go,” Master says with a sigh as he pins my small wrists to his chest with one hand.
I forget how strong Master is. “You were clawing your face, Darling,” Master says, stroking my cheek.
I obviously can’t see a mark, but I can feel him trace the tender line left by my nails.
My shaking body starts to calm and I feel the urge to cry dissipate.
“See? It’s okay,” Master assures me. I nod and tuck the blanket under my shin. “How about we watch this? It’s a comedy about a stubborn submissive and her Master?”
“Yes, Sir,” I reply, letting out a shaky breath. Master frowns at the title, but I don’t care right now. I don’t really want to watch anything, but the movie isn’t bad.
No one says anything about earlier and I am so thankful. I feel sick enough. I don’t want to have to remember it.
The submissive in the movie is sassy and talks back to her Master a lot, but he is like Rylan and is very kind.
Eventually, I’m calm enough for Master to be able to get up, “I’m gonna get us some water.” He says, kissing my head.
I nod along and watch the door for his return. The movie doesn’t interest me as much as Master does.
“Can you hold Ivy for me real quick? I need to use the bathroom,” Jena says standing up and holding Ivy out to me expectantly.
I’m not sure what to do with the baby. Aren’t they really fragile? I don’t think I’m suppose to hold the baby. Master would be angry if I hurt it and I would feel so bad. Her Master would be angry at her for giving away his baby too.
Gina and Mason are laughing about something, but as Jena’s voice becomes harsher their conversation slows.
“Will you just take her?” My eyes go wide. She sounds upset, angry. Her face begins to turn sour and I am struggling to find words. “Like it’s really not that much to ask–” Jena snaps, finally passing Ivy off to Gina.
“What’s going on?” Master interrupts angrily from behind the sofa.
“What do you mean ‘what’s going on’?” Jena snaps, raising her voice at Master. “First your submissive won’t even talk to us, then she about throws a tantrum when we watch a movie she doesn’t like and then she’s too good to hold my baby for like two minutes.”
“Jena, that’s enough,” Mason snaps, making me flinch.
“Oh my God, Maso-” Jena starts.
“Apologize, now.” Mason grounds out, pushing himself off of the sofa. “He may be your brother, but he is also a dominant and deserves respect. Apologize, now.”
Jena’s fire leaves her quickly, “Sorry,” she says to Master before running out of the room with Mason following behind.
I sit unmoving, still processing what Jena said.
I didn’t mean to throw a tantrum about the movie. I didn’t even want Master to notice.
I never meant to drawn attention to myself. Does Master think that is what I was trying to do?
“I...I didn’t mean to throw a tantrum-” I start to explain.
“It’s fine, Leah,” Master says with a huff as he collapses on the couch next to me. He sets one glass of water on the table and downs the glass of wine in his other hand.
“Do you really not like babies that much?” Master calmly sits back, but I can tell he is upset. He rubs the back of his neck and looks up at the ceiling. “I mean like, why didn’t you just take Ivy. It would have been like two minutes...”
He looks bothered. Irritated.
I look down in shame, “I’m sorry...I didn’t know what to do with it,” I confess.
“With Ivy?” I nod and keep my gaze down. I don’t want to see the disappointment or anger on Master’s face. “Have you never seen a baby before?” Master asks after a little silence.
“I have on television once, but not in real life or anything,” I say, wringing my hands together. Master doesn’t say anything for a minute, so I figure I can ask him what Jena was doing with the baby earlier, “Why was Ivy on Jena’s ... umm breast?”
Master looks up at me and I glance away, wringing my hands more aggressively.
The look on his face tells me it’s a stupid question.
“Breastfeeding?” Master asks slowly. He says it in a way that I feel like I should know this.
“That is normal?” I ask him, “...Isn’t it Master”
He just nods and lays his head in my lap.
“Leah, do you know how babies are made?”