I opened my eyes and stare at the rays of the light that shone through the broken window. A soft breeze of morning air greeted my face and my bare body. I swallowed and wince at the pain in my throat.
My eyes lazily glanced at the wall to look at the dusty rounded clock. 11 a.m. I sighed. My body felt extremely tired as the whole week day exhaustion swim through my limbs and I don’t fight it when my eyes slowly drooping. After a while I fall into another long hours of sleep.
A loud knocking sound on the door woke me up this time. I grumble something incoherent and sluggishly drag myself up from the thin mattress on the floor and trip when my feet caught in the blanket.
I cursed softly and turned to look at the watch. Almost 3.45 p.m. I cursed again. I lost almost half of my day but that’s okay. It’s weekend.
I walk lazily towards my front door, swallowing the yell inside my throat. One of these days, my door are so going to break down if I had more of these people come knocking at my door.
The bell just doesn’t work anymore and I always forgot to replace the battery. It’s my fault, in a way.
“what?” I said a bit too harsh once I opened my door. Eyebrows raised as I realized its my land lord.
Shit. I just remembered I haven’t paid my rent yet this month. I smiled sheepishly and make a gesture to invite Mrs. McKinley inside. I tell her that I’ll only be able to pay half, as I had other ‘obligations’ which makes her scoffed and muttered some words under her breath.
I pretend not to hear it and just grin. It was the exact same thing I said in two years I’ve stayed here.
I said my thank you after giving her the money and promise to pay the other half before the end of this month and she just walk away ignoring me totally.
I padded my feet into the kitchen, pouting when I found almost nothing eatable in there. Only a couple of wrinkled tomatoes and a shrinking carrot. Among other questionable things.
A visit to a store is definitely in need but I always buy things out of the list. And it could hurt me financially. I sighed loudly as I dropped my lanky body on the creaky wooden sofa, staring into nothing as my brain still fuzzy with sleep.
My cranky apartment was small, very small actually but it is good enough for me. I’m alone anyway so it’s good. It’s the only place that I could afford for now so I’ll just settle with it. Even though it is dusty, and smell of old people and booze it gave me a place to sleep.
A few years ago, my life was better. I made a good amount of money and I’m so freaking happy at that time. Well, as happy as I can get. I was able to buy at least one thing that I want every month instead of thing that I need.
It was such a euphoric feeling. But then, like everything else that is good in my life – it didn’t last.
Now, I’m back to square one. Barely had enough money for my necessities and hardly can afford what I want.
All thanks to my stupidity.
Nah, I won’t say it like that. More like, acting on teenage impulse – and teenager make mistakes all the time, so it’s cool.
It’s just that, the consequences of those actions are chasing and weighting me down right now – and I’m not a teenager anymore.
After a moment of brooding I put on a loose grey shirt and a tight black skinny jeans and head out of my apartment. I decided to eat out, well yeah I’m short on money right now but I guess I could spare some on food.
I don’t feel like cooking today and I’m highly aware that I would fall back asleep of stay in any longer.
I used to have friends back then, but like I said I’ve done something quite bad and everyone just mysteriously vanished from my life. They just, disappeared. I don’t blame them for that.
Now, I mostly socialized with my co-workers but I hardly knew them. Most of them are way, way older than me but I like them. They always paid whenever we hang out – mostly at bar.
They just couldn’t stand the loud music and the unnecessary shoulders shoving at the club. Their time had passed, they love to say. I don’t mind in the slightest bit.
But I do sometimes – goes to club that is, to get laid. It’s easy to find people with the same intention and much easier to find people who only want a one night stand. It is lonely but I couldn’t put it in me to stay in a relationship.
But I do have my eyes on someone from my workplace.
My previous relationship taught me that I was in one because I don’t want to be alone, not because I love them. It makes me realized how selfish I am and swore not trap anyone else in my selfishness any longer.
I can’t help it – I just couldn’t seem to put it all behind me, even though years had passed by. I guess the guilt is eating me alive – and now I suffer for it. Even though at that moment I truly believe I was doing the right thing. Now, I’m not so sure anymore.
I stop by at a bakery shop and bought myself some wheat bread – those kind of breads keep me full all the time – before heading out to convenience store to buy some unhealthy fast food. Those are cheap.
My feet brought me to a park nearby and my eyes lingered way too long at couples and families that were laughing at silly jokes and stories with kids running around and about.
I hate kids. They seemed happy all the time and way too loud all the fucking time. No matter what they did, adults will always sided with them because they are just this cute little thing.
Maybe I’m just jealous. I don’t know.
I munch on my bread silently, eyes busy wandering from couples to couples and families to families. They all seem, so happy. It all could be a facade, but it’s nice isn’t? To act like you have the most wonderful life.
Even for a moment.
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