Our Secret Melody

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Lyric: Thirty-Four

Kai’s POV:

I’m stuck...in my own thoughts. Not knowing what was right and what was wrong. Is it okay for me to let my guard down? To let Rose in? I’m so aggravated with myself, I keep switching back and forth between what my mind wants and what my heart needs. After saying something that traumatic to Rose, I worry what she’ll think of me...

Now I just feel like I’m being held captive in my own emotions, a prisoner within a cell unable to walk away freely. I hate this...this life of mine that’s been full of darkness, having to live a life that couldn’t be more than a burden. Even my own name no longer holds meaning to who I once was. I was only sinking further into my despair as I rested my forehead against the glass window. The sun was slowly beginning to set as I stood there watching the warm horizon...

How long has it been since I last spoke to Rose? Should I call her? No, I have no right to talk to her. I’m sure she has a lot to process right now, in fact...I don’t think she would want to talk to me right now. Pulling out my phone, I opened up my gallery and pulled up a picture of Rose I took of her secretly. It was on the day of the photoshoot I had with my group, she looked like she was having a lot of fun being on set. Her smile seems to always ease my anxiety, it’s soothing...but now that I think about it. Maybe it was kinda creepy of me to have taken a photo of her without permission?

Suddenly hearing the ring of the elevator go off, I immediately turned off my phone and placed it back in my pocket. As I turned myself around to see who had come into the dorm. I ran my fingers through my disheveled hair, letting out an annoyed sigh I stared harshly at the person who entered, he stood there just giving me a disappointed look. That alone already set me off as I decided to turn my gaze back at the sunset...

“You know I came here to check up on you, Zack told me that you weren’t looking so well. And by the look of those bags underneath your eyes, it’s obvious that you haven’t been sleeping. You’ve been avoiding taking your sleeping pills again haven’t you-”

“If you think I’m gonna believe that you left your sick mother to come all the way over here to check up on me as if I’m some kind of fucking child, save your breath and tell me why your actually here, Jin.”

I asked him in a devil-like smirk as I made my way towards the living room. I found it completely laughable that Jin would be ‘worried’ for me. I don’t need anyone looking after me, especially him...

“Zack, manager Sang, and myself need to worry about you. Do you think I want to spend my night coming here? You’re a grown-ass man that should take responsibility, take your meds, and stop making us stress. I really wish our manager would have been wiser in picking the leader for this group.” He explained in a tiresome sigh as he took a seat on my couch...

“You really know how to push my buttons, if you can’t handle me being a leader. Then just leave the group, I promise you it won’t be that hard to replace you-”

“Just because you have the biggest fan base in Korea, doesn’t mean that everyone in the world likes you. I think you’ve already forgotten that quite a majority of my fans are from different countries. So know that you will lose fans if I were to leave ExEx Idol...listen, I don’t wanna argue with you about something so stupid. You and I both know we won’t be leaving this group anytime soon, the main reason why I came here today was because of...MelRose.”

The moment I heard Jin say her name, my expression changed entirely! I didn’t even notice when I grabbed hold of the necklace I was wearing, Jin caught notice of my actions as he sat himself forward as if he was ready to interrogate me. I shouldn’t try and hide anything from him, it’s not like I would want to lie. But it would be better to just avoid conflict with each other, however, I’ve just about had it with Jin being overprotective of Rose. It’s as if he thinks she belongs to him- waits, don’t tell me he-

“I’ve tried calling her, but her phone would just end up sending me to voicemail. I’ve grown a bit anxious since she always replies to me, the last time I spoke to her was when you picked her up from my place-”

“Jin, do you like Rose.”

I bluntly asked him as I ignored what he had to say. Walking my way towards him, I stood there looking down at where he was at as his eyes grew wide in absolute shock to what he heard me say. But just as quickly his expression changed, he immediately looked away in disbelief. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting me to ask such a thing. But I’ve never seen Jin act this way with anyone before, so there’s not a chance in hell that I’m gonna believe him when he says ‘she’s just a friend.

“Why the hell are asking me something like that? It’s not of your business-”

“Then it shouldn’t be any of your business to interfere with what Rose and I do.”

I quickly said to him, though my comment seemed to have triggered him as I watched him rush himself up and stood facing me. He then clenched his jaw tightly which only made me automatically bring my hands into a tight fist.

“There are many reasons why I told you to stay away from MelRose. Do you really wanna drag her into your problems, this life of yours that you call hell. What can you possibly want from her? Why can’t you just focus on someone else that actually wants to be with you?! Zack and I are fully prepared to keep your relationship with Lily a secret if you-” Without any hesitation, I yanked Jin from his shirt and pulled him closer towards me!

“What Lily and I had before was in the past, and I don’t wish to repeat the fuck shit that happened to her! So I don’t want you or Zack speaking about our relationship like it’s so simple, Lily...she will always have a special meaning in my heart. But the feelings that I once had for her...have changed completely. The love I had for her...is nothing more than just family, and all I want is to protect her as if she was my own sister-”

My words were caught off by a brutal punch that sent me stumbling backward, I even lost my grip on Jin’s collar as I almost fell back!

“You son of a bitch! Don’t go fucking deciding on your own what Lily is to you! After everything, she had to endure alone! This is how you repay her!? It’s clear as day that she loves you, she finally comes back to Korea wanting to be with you. And what do you do in return? You turn your back on her, as if what you both went through never happened! Have you ever stopped to think how this will affect her...or what she might do to herself if she heard you say this?!” He shouted in rage towards me as I heard his footsteps approaching me.

“You bastard...you don’t know anything...”

I muttered out my words as I slowly got myself back together. Taking a deep breath in, I rubbed my jawline where Jin had hit me. It was already beginning to throb, but the pain was none existence compare to what my heart was in...

“What did you say?”

He asked in confusion, though I shortly brought my fist into a forceful impact on Jin’s cheek! Hearing him make a painful grunt, he spit out a gush of blood from his mouth as he prepared to land another punch at me. But he paused his fist in the air once he saw the excruciating pain he saw in my eyes. He has no idea...

“You don’t know shit about what Lily and I had to go through! Do you think I had it easy?! I had no choice but to stay here in Korea! I wasn’t told anything about Lily’s condition when she was in that car accident! The only reason I found out that she was okay was when Zack came back! Do you have any fucking clue of the scarring that I was given when Zack told me she would no longer be able to walk as she did before! I felt as if knives were being pushed down my throat, even my heart felt like it wanted to give out! The woman that I loved...that was by my side when I was in my darkest times...needed me. She needed me and I couldn’t do anything but stay in this fucking building! Being told to smile out in public, being forced to perform on stage. Having to pretend that everything was okay...I was losing myself. I didn’t know what to do...not even my music nor my fans were able to make me happy. All I wanted...was to hear her voice...to apologize... and to tell her how much I love her. But I couldn’t... because I had no longer even loved myself...it’s like God is punishing me. Why are the women that I love end up getting hurt...my mother...Lily. I’m terrified, Jin. You saw what I tried to do with myself on that day... and I don’t ever wish to feel that way again. All I want now is for Lily to be happy-”

“Kai...you bring Lily happiness-”

“If I stay with Lily, I will only get reminded of the past. What you and Zack need to realize is that...if Lily and I start to date...it would no longer be out of love. But out of guilt, and it will always be eating away at me. I can’t do that...I won’t do that to her, Lily...she deserves so much, she deserves someone who’s isn’t already broken like me...”

I choked out my words in agony as I clutched onto my chest. Jin then remained silent as he finally looked away. Ruffling his hair in frustration, he turned himself around and smashed the wall next to him with his now bloody knuckles. He then leaned his forehead against the wall as I watched his handshake in anger...

“So that’s it then...you no longer wish to hurt Lily...you don’t wish to get her involved in your life anymore. So you instead decided to drag MelRose-”

“She has nothing to do with this-”

“She has everything to do with this! You’ve already hurt MelRose...and you’re too blind to even see that. Lily may be a good friend of mine, but Melrose is different... she’s special to me.”

He voiced out in high defense as he refused to look my way. Yet his words drove me insane when I heard him say that about Rose!

“So you do like her-”

“Whether I like her or not...I know I would never hurt her as you would-”

Before I could even let Jin finish speaking, I had rushed myself towards him and grab him by the shoulder, and forcefully had him turned around to face me! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, this isn’t what I want! I don’t want Jin getting close to her than he already has!

“If you think that love can’t be painful, you’re a bigger fool than me. I am willing to let myself be vulnerable to her...I thought that maybe, Lily would be the only person in the world to accept my flaws. But I now know that Rose will be able to as well-”

“What makes you think that she will be able to accept you?! After everything, you’ve gone through, after what you almost did to yourself years ago! Do you really believe that she’ll able to move on from it so easily?! I think you’re also forgetting the big picture here, you are thee Kai Joong. Leader of ExEx Idol, the world’s most famous leader of this group right now...you think that MelRose will be stronger enough to be with someone like you? I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation...Kai, take your fucking meds. And let’s end this discussion, I’m done...so stay away from her, and don’t tell her anything about your past-”

“I think it’s already too late for that...”

I bluntly spoke out at him as he walked towards the elevator. He then calmly pushed the button and waited silently for the doors to open. However, the intensity in his stance could show how inraged he was. Though I could tell that he wanted to hurry up in leave before he does something he might regret. Slowly making my way towards him, I started to tell him how I took Rose to the spot where my mother died many years ago...

“I’m gonna kill you...” He said in his heavy breathing once the doors of the elevator opened.

“I won’t hide away from Rose anymore-”

“You stupid motherfucker!”

Jin shouted out in fury as he grabbed me by the collar! We both then wrestled each other to the floor, neither of us even took notice that we forced each other into the elevator!

The number of punches that we both landed at one another was enough to make us both bleed! We both then instinctively push each other to the corners of the elevator as the heavy breathing of our throats could be heard. But Jin couldn’t even look at me as he rushed himself out of the doors once they were opened! But I’m not gonna end things like this! Jin needs to know that Rose is someone important to me now and that I won’t stay away. So as I chased after him, I saw how late it has gotten already!

“You’re not leaving until we settle this!”

I shouted at him as I finally caught up to where he was at! However, we both just ended up arguing more, even after I expressed how I felt about Rose. Jin didn’t want to hear anything else, so all I could do was watch him leave in anger and sadness. The nerves in my body were wanting to collapse as I felt entirely drained, wiping the last remaining blood from my bottom lip I let out a depressing sigh as I slowly walked my way back towards the dorms. However, I stop in my tracks when the ringing of my phone went off! Without checking the I.D number, I answered the call with such a defeated tone. I honestly didn’t want to talk with anyone at the moment, but that quickly changed the very instant I heard her light voice...

“Hey...Kai, umm...I’m sorry for calling you so late...is this a bad time?”

She sounded hesitant and somewhat shy, I know we only talked a few days ago. But I truly had myself believing that would be the last time Rose would want to speak to me. So hearing her right now made all the pain inside me vanish...

“Rose! No, it’s fine...umm, I’m just taking a walk right now. What are you up to?”

I asked while I felt my face growing warm, though I wasn’t sure if it was my wounds that Jin inflicted on me that was making my face burn up?!

“I...I’m also taking a walk...I actually wanted to talk to you. I just wasn’t sure what to say...and, I was hoping that maybe we could speak in person instead.”

She explained sounding all flustered, with my face still being in discomfort from the fight earlier, I didn’t let that stop me from smiling...

“Yeah! We could...meet up whenever you have time-”

“How about right now?”

The loudness of her voice grew, and that’s when I realized that Rose had hunged up the phone. The only reason why I was still able to hear her could only mean that she was actually here! With my phone still close to my ear, I stood still for a moment before turning myself around to see that Rose was standing behind me with a bittersweet smile. All I could do was watch her in silence, would it be weird if I hugged her right now? Wait! How long has she been here?! Did she see Jin and me-

“I...I just got here, I had a taxi drop me off...”

She quickly explained as she avoided eye contact, her cheeks grew red and I already knew she was lying. This is completely awkward right now! But I think it’s best if I just play along with her little lie, I’m just glad that Jin didn’t see her. Knowing the way he is right now, he won’t allow Rose to be anywhere near me. And I can’t blame him for that... because what he mentioned before is true. I’m fully aware of how toxic my life is, and dragging Rose into it will only end in pain. But I can’t help what my heart wants...

“Your face...does it hurt? How did you-”

“I fell while I was walking...”

I quickly said to her as I look away, though I could hear Rose chuckling a bit, so as I peeked over at her I couldn’t help but smirk at her cute chuckle.

“You fell? Well, it must have been a rough fall then.”

She continued to laugh at me, and it was kinda obvious she didn’t believe what I had to say. But I could tell she wanted to leave things how they are right now. Giving off a burst of light laughter, I immediately stopped myself and grabbed Rose’s hand!

“Huh?! What are you-”

“Shh!”

I hushed her in silence as I placed my fingers against my lips. At first, I thought I was hearing things, but it became very evident when I heard someone’s voice coming closer in our direction! It was most likely security patrolling the night shift already! Looking over at Rose, she nodded her head in agreement with what I was thinking. We can’t stay out here like this, I risk getting Rose in trouble and getting her fired. So we both ran back to the dorms and rushed ourselves towards the elevators!

But despite being in the clear, neither one of us wanted to let go of each other’s hand. If anything, I held her small hand more tightly once the elevator doors re-opened. Entering my dorm, I looked over at her she saw that she was looking down. She was so small that I just wanna pick her up and hold her- whoa! What the hell am I thinking right now?! Calm down Kai, you’re a grown-ass man, so act your age-

“Do you have a first aid kit anywhere?”

Rose suddenly asked, she then removed her hand away from mine as she looked at my face. Avoiding her eyes, I looked over at the closet that was across from us and pointed out where it was at. But as she went to go get it, I was able to pay attention to how Rose was. Jin did mention earlier that he’s been worried about her, I wonder if what I told her really took a mental toll on her health?

“Alright, mister clumsy. Come here, let me clean you up. The last thing we need is your cuts to get infected...”

She said to me as she patted her hand on the couch, taking a seat beside her I let her tend to my injuries as I felt how close she was. Her fingers were tiny yet so caring, the way she gently touched my face made me feel a lot more relaxed. Though I couldn’t help but pick up the dark circles around her eyes...has she not been sleeping well?

“There, all done!”

She voiced out in high energy, but I now knew this was all a show. So the moment she placed the box kit to the side, I pushed her down on the couch.

“Kai!? Wh...what are you doing-”

“Shut up and go to sleep already. We can talk tomorrow-”

“Huh? What are you talking about?! You can’t just force someone to go to sleep! Also, don’t...don’t suddenly push me down like that...it’s kinda-”

“I said be quiet, it’s bedtime...those bags under your eyes don’t look pretty on you.”

I said to her in a joking matter, though I could tell she wanted to argue with me. But all I got in return was an angry pout of hers, pulling myself away from her I made my way back to my room and started to change out of my clothes, washing myself off I couldn’t help but smile the entire time. I guess I’m just really happy that Rose is here, approaching my bed I pulled the sheets off and walked back to the living room. I was about ready to hand the blanket to Rose, but I was stunned to find her already asleep! I didn’t think she would fall asleep so quickly?

Carefully approaching her, I gently laid the sheets on top of her before sitting myself on the floor. I then took the minute to look over at her before tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. She looked peaceful in her sleep, so I gracefully slid my finger lightly against her cheek before stopping at the corner of her lip. They looked so soft and held a beautiful shade of pink as I drew closer to her face...

“I hope you believed me when you heard me say how precious you are...Rose.” I whispered closely to her ear, I then secretly placed a light gentle kiss against her lips before pulling myself away.
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