Our Secret Melody

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Lyric: Forty-One

MelRose POV:

“Are you okay?! I was looking for you everywhere, I tried calling you but I wasn’t sure if you would be able to hear your phone going off by the sounds of the fireworks-”

“Oh no! I’m fine, I so sorry I didn’t realize it sooner-”

“No, I should be the one apologizing. I should have held your hand when we entered the crowd.” Jin quickly apologized as he bowed.

Though I had him raise himself back up as I placed my hand on top of his shoulder. By the look in his eyes, I could tell that he was very worried about me. But it’s not his fault, I don’t think he and I could have known how rough that crowd would be. I’m just glad that he’s okay, and that one was able to notice who he was. Yet my mind was still so caught up on cloud 9 after what Kai had told me. I still couldn’t process the words of what he had said, it’s like I was in a neverending dream...

“Melrose? Where did you get that from?”

Jin suddenly asked me as I shook my thoughts away and saw that he was looking at the stuffed animal I was holding. I obviously could tell him that Kai gave it to me...

“Huh? Oh! Uhh...I found it on the floor. It’s cute, don’t you think? It would be sad if I just left it here...” I explained to him as I stared at the plushie, holding it tighter towards my face I was able to smell Kai’s fragrance and couldn’t help but smile in delight.

“Yeah...it’s cute. But not as cute as you...come one. Let’s go home...” He voiced out to me as he casually grabbed onto my hand.

At first, I wanted to pull my hand away. But I had to remind myself...that I came here with Jin. To spend time with him, I can’t be rude and just take my hand away from him. This hand of his...it’s so big, you would think with these types of hands. He would be strong and protective, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because right now, his hand feels cold and fragile...

“Okay...” I said to him as I felt my face grow flush.

Jin’s words always come out so blunt, and it’s hard to take him seriously. Calling me cute, holding my hand, and always embracing me when I feel shattered. I can’t deny that Jin is more than just a friend to me. He’s become so important in my life, and it’s not because he helped me make my dream into a reality. But he’s truly been there for me when I needed it. Even when I never asked for help, it’s like he always knows when to pop up for me.

As we both headed our way back to the train station, I kept looking around and wondered if Kai had already left? I never got the chance to ask him how he got here? Did he go by train or by car? He did mention that he came here with Lily. It almost makes my heart feel guilty about what I did. Confessing my feelings so directly to him, but I’m so happy I did. Because I was able to break his vulnerability, to have him finally express how he really felt. No matter what the answer would have been, I was preparing to accept either or... though deep down. I was expecting him to completely reject me...

Kai, you’re such a complicated guy. But I can’t blame you for it. You have every reason to be cautious around others, after what you went through...I’m just grateful that your still alive and doing your best to be happy. You say music is your passion, and that your fans are your muse. I’m certain that that you will be able to smile on your own once you overcome the trauma you went through-

“Here’s our train...” Jin said out loud when we both heard the whistle of the station!

Coming back to my sense, I prepared myself for the train that would take us back home. So once we entered inside, we took our private seats and admired the light-up cities that we would begin to pass by. Leaning my head against the window, I felt my chest still pounding of what happened tonight. I even continued to hold the plush so close to my heart, though when I went to look back at Jin...

He had already fallen asleep, instantly smiling I stood up from my seat and approached him. With the way his neck was bent awkwardly, I knew that I couldn’t leave him in this position. So being as gentle as I could be, I moved his head to the side where he would be more comfortable. Though I’m surprised he could sleep sitting up? He must have been very tired, he should have taken the time to rest today on his day off instead of going out. Taking his face mask off, I saw a clear image of his dark circles along with his sunken cheekbones. Is he eating right? I hope he’s taking care of his health...

Taking a seat next to him, I moved the strands of hair away from his face and couldn’t get over how beautiful he looked. His appearance alone makes me feel self-conscious, I don’t even wanna imagine how I would look next to Kai in public. It’s hard to believe that someone like him could love someone as plain as me...

Resting my head back, I too decide to take a small nap. It’s strange, but despite my heart feeling so fluttered. I was able to fall asleep so easily, the image of Kai kept popping up in my dreams and it would only make my insides grow more flustered. I wonder how things will be between us from now on?

But not too long after falling asleep, I felt the comfort of something soft being placed on my cheek. At first, I thought it was my plushie that Kai gave me, but I’ve come to realize that I was holding it in my hands. So what am I resting on? Slowing awakening myself from my power nap, I kept myself still as I looked at my surroundings. It looked like I was still on the train, what time is it?

“Oh, you’re awake? Perfect timing we’re almost reaching Seoul.”

Hearing Jin speak, I began to lift my head and saw that I was actually resting my head on his arm!

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t know...I didn’t think I would fall asleep on you-”

“It’s okay, you looked like you were having a good nap. So I didn’t want to wake you, by the way...were you the one that took my face mask off?” He asked of me as I noticed that he had placed it back on his face.

“Yeah it was me, I thought that maybe you wouldn’t be as comfortable with it on when your sleeping-”

“I understand, even though it’s true that I hate wearing this all the time. I ask you that you never take it off of me or the other members when we’re out in public. Especially yours when you’re around us, I don’t wanna risk anything happening to you...”

He voiced out in concern, but he seemed to tense up when he brought up the risk factors of working with ExEx Idol. It’s obvious that he doesn’t wanna go over the danger of being exposed to any one of them. I mean, after what happened to Kai at the meet and greet I could see why Jin wouldn’t want me to be seen with them. Though I’m sure it applies to any female working with the group...

As I continued to nod my head towards his words, I looked out the window and saw how pitch black it was outside. For that amount of time staring outside, I felt so small...it’s difficult to explain it, but...it was as if my existence was so limited. Compare to Kai, his whole life and image are known all over the world. If I’m already being stressed in this little job that I have...I could only imagine what the boys are going through.

“Melrose...” Jin called out my name, averting my eyes back at his. I smiled before adjusting his hat.

“Jin...thank you for today,” I said to him as we both felt the train coming to stop.

“I should be the one thanking you...it’s been a while since I last had this much fun.” He explained as he patted my head lightly before standing up.

Following him from behind, we waited until everyone left the crowded walkway of the train. Since we’re back in the city, Jin is going to have to be extra careful. So the fewer people around the better, holding on to his sleeve jacket I made sure my face mask was placed on right as I kept my head down whenever we would pass anyone.

“I parked my car a few blocks away from here, so let me take you home. It’s already late as it is and it wouldn’t feel right just seeing you off in a cab-”

“I don’t know...you’ve already down enough for me today and-”

“This date isn’t over until I drop you home, so let me be a gentleman for the rest of the night.” He said in a playful matter before holding my hand.

It’s like no matter what I say, he’s not taking no for an answer. I personally don’t mind that he wants to take me home, I just worry about ruining his reputation. However, this date...I actually had fun. Though it was more than what I expected it to be like. My face still feels warm and I just wanna get home soon so I could call Kai since everything we did tonight still feels non-existent. It’s crazy, I know it’s only been a few hours since I saw him. But why am I missing him so much already?

As we entered Jin’s car, we both were able to finally relaxed as we stripped off the masks that felt suffocating. Letting out a relaxed sigh, Jin giggled at my actions as I smiled at him. I’m glad I came out today, though I need to get something off my chest that’s been lingering inside me. Ever since Jin asked me out, I’ve been meaning to ask him this for a while...

“Hey, Jin...can I ask you something,” I said as I watched him turn the car on.

“Sure, what is it?” He responded as he began to drive us off.

“It’s gonna sound completely random but...I know that it’s a rule that none of you are allowed to date or have girlfriends. But have you gone on a date with anyone despite the rules that are given to you-”

“Ooh, is someone jealous?” He jokingly teased.

“What!? No! Of course, I’m not jealous, I’m just curious... because usually when you ask someone on a date. Isn’t it because you have some kind of interest in them?”

I asked him as I watched his facial expressions change from a harmless grin to an intimidating stare as he looked at the road

“I haven’t been on a date for almost 4 years now...I’m not sure if I told you this already. But after my mother got sick, I decided it would be best to put my sole purpose and energy on not just ExEx Idol...but for my family. Besides, there’s no time in my schedule for me to really date...but, it would be nice to have a girlfriend. Someone to lean on, to confined in, and to feel...not so alone. And perhaps, the reason why I asked you out today was that maybe I have some sort of interest in you.” He explained calmly as he kept his eye on the road.

My eyes grew wide for a split second before looking away at Jin! Just what the hell does he mean by that?! Is he just playing around with his words again? Can I even take him seriously?! It’s like the things he says don’t affect him as they do to me. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, I’m sure Jin just sees me as a good friend...I think.

“Now let me ask you something.”

He said as I looked back at him. We were almost in sync the moment we locked eyes on each other. Feeling nervous, I tensed my shoulders a bit before looking forward to the road.

“Umm...yeah, what is it...” I hesitated my words as I grew anxious by the minute. I could never tell what these Idols are thinking...

“What kind of person...am I to you?”

His question caught me off guard that I froze, unable to think or speak I was unsure of what to say to him. I’ve been working with Jin for some time now and it’s no lie that we’ve grown close. But I never once stopped and think what Jin was to me, he was just someone who I felt safe being around, he dependable, mature, and has always been nice to me. He has all qualities of being the perfect boyfriend but...what is he to me? As I thought strictly about this, we were suddenly disturbed by Jin’s phone going off!

“Hello, Manager Sang? Why are you calling me so late?” He quickly answered the call only to have me be surprised that it was the Sang that had called him!

At first, I was worried that someone might have spotted Jin today with me or even worse! That somebody took a photo of me and Kai being together?! I was beginning to panic, but not as much as Jin was once I looked at his dark eyes grow distraught as if all the life was being sucked out of him. Did something bad happen?!

“I’ll be there right away!” He quickly shouted in worry before hanging up the phone.

Jin was freaking out so much that I don’t think he even realized how fast he was speeding! His hands were shaking and he was beginning to sweat profusely! My anxiety levels were rising high and I was starting to freak out when I saw that he had missed the exit that would lead me home! Just what the fuck is going on right now!?

“Jin...what are you doing-”

“It’s my mom...”

Those words were all he needed to say for me to shut me up. I felt so sick to my stomach that I was afraid to even speak. I don’t wanna ask if she’s okay... because I knew things weren’t. There should be no other reason for manager Sang to call this late and for Jin to be freaking out right now. I almost wish I could hold Jin’s hand and tell him that things will be okay...but how can I when I don’t even know his mother’s condition right now?

Racing to the hospital, Jin didn’t speak a word. All I could see was pain and sadness in his eyes, even when he parked his car he quickly unbuckled his seat belt and rushed himself out of the car. Leaving me inside the vehicle I watched him run as quickly as he could to the emergency room. I wanted nothing more but to be by his side right now, but I risk so much if I do that!

“Damit! I hate this!” I shouted in anger as I punched the plush I held!

This isn’t fair! Jin doesn’t deserve to go through this! No one does... running my fingers through my hair I was becoming unsettled just sitting here unable to do anything! I feel so helpless...is this how Jin has been feeling this whole time? Unable to do anything? What a terrible feeling...

Looking around, I saw that the parking lot wasn’t as full as I thought it would be. Usually, hospitals are always packed, pulling out my phone I looked up the hospital I was at and almost forgot the type of people I’m surrounded in...

“Of course it’s an expensive hospital...”

I said in a stressful sigh. Why do I keep forgetting how wealthy these guys are? But if this is one of the best hospitals in Korea, then I’m sure Jin’s mother will be okay...right?

My heart almost suddenly gave out by the loud ringing of my phone going off! Looking at the caller I.D. I saw that it was Kai! I was looking forward to talking with him again...but under the circumstances of what’s happening right now. I can’t speak right now...not when I’m feeling like this. I also don’t want to lie...if I told Kai what’s happening. There’s no doubt in my mind that he would come here straight away. But I know that isn’t what Jin wants, so...

“I’m sorry Kai...I love you...but I can’t...I’m sorry...” I cried out in agony as I grew worried and afraid of what was happening.

I don’t wanna imagine the worst, but if something does happen...I’m scared of what Jin might do. He’s going through so much, yet he still has the energy to smile and act like everything is okay. Why doesn’t he understands that he doesn’t have to go through this alone! With my phone finally going silent, I continued to wait in the car for another 2 hours.

Each minute that passed was excruciating, not knowing what was going on, frightened of what the outcome would be. Though I wanna be strong...even when I feel this weak. I don’t wanna think negatively...I have to reassure myself that everything will be okay...that everything...will be fine... please, let things be okay. Don’t let anything bad happen to Jin’s mom...don’t take away the only family he has left...I beg of you... please.

While staring at the hospital, I was finally able to make out two figures walking out of the building. It was still so dark outside that it was difficult to see their faces, but I watched carefully as one of them began to walk away towards their car. Paying closer attention, I was able to make out the person’s face before they entered the vehicle. It was manager Sang! Was he in the hospital with Jin this whole time!?

Watching him leave, I was a little relieved that Jin wasn’t entirely alone. But as I went back to look at the person waiting by the door earlier, I watched as he leaned himself against the glass frame until their legs gave out and they just fell to the floor! Panicked, I quickly got out of the car and ran as fast as I could to the person who collapsed! But the closer I got, the sooner I was able to recognize that it was Jin! Stopping in my tracks, I stood only a few feet away from him until he noticed my presence.

He struggled to stand as he stumbled a bit until he leaned himself back against the door for support. My heart ached to see him this way, his whole face was pale and any life he once had in his eyes was completely gone. His eyes were red and the bags beanthe them were puffier than before, he looked horrible...


I cried out his name as my hands began to shake.

“What I always feared most...was being alone. Afraid, terrified of not having no one...but that all went away because I had my mother. Tell me...what am I suppose to do...when the last person in my life, that ever showed me, love, made me feel wanted, is leaving me? Melrose...I’m scared...and it’s suffocating...it hurts...and I just wanna die-”

Unable to handle his words any longer, I hurried towards him and wrapped my arms around his back! I held him as tightly as I could as I burst out my tears onto his chest, he was quick in embracing me as he buried his sorrow’s into me. The weeping of his cries was killing me and I wanted to erase the pain he was in, the agony of his voice...it stung my mournful heart.

“I know it hurts...but please...don’t ever say that...don’t ever say you wanna die. Jin...you will never be alone...you have so many people that love you...Kai, Zack...ExEx Idol...your fans...you are so loved...and you mean so much to everyone...and to me... you’ve become such an important person in my life...I once told you...to rely on me. I told you that I want to make you smile...and that’s what I want...I don’t care how hard it gets...I will give you a reason to keep living and to be happy.”

I said to him as I felt his whole body shake uncontrollably, raising my head I looked directly at him before placing both of my hands on each side of his face. Seeing him this way right now...he looks like a broken child. And all I wanna do is be there for him, just how he has been there for me...

“Melrose... promise me...that everything will be okay...that this pain in my heart...will go away...”

He asked of me as he leaned his forehead against mine. The feeling of his skin touching mine was cold and I wish I could give him the warmth he needed...

“Jin... please, stay strong...” I whispered to him before I wiped away his many tears.

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