Our Secret Melody

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Lyric: Forty-Five

Kai’s POV:

“Lily...how long have you been here?” I asked her once she finally stood up to look directly at me.

“Not that long...I’ve been just, reliving the memories of us in my head when we would come here all the time.” She explained with a weak smile before walking further away from me.

Her slow pace was steady as she took her time walking towards a desk. Sitting herself down on a chair, she reached for the book that was laying out in front of her. But I already had a feeling of what book she had picked...

“I remembered how much you used to love this book, but I would always tease you about it since it was a story for children. However, I can see why you enjoyed it. A story about a little boy trying to find his way back home...it sounds like a simple book when you skim through it at first. But I realized... just how dark this story actually is. When you really look into it, the hardship of this little boy trying to find home...no one can help him, hear him, or even see him. You think that maybe, everyone is just ignoring him. That is until you come to the ending of this story...the boy finally finds his home, yet his home happens to be a tree where he would end up sleeping after he found it...Kai, this tree in the book looked really familiar to me. As if I’ve seen it before, so I ended up looking at the backstory of it. Kai...was there something that you did...that you couldn’t tell me?” She began to cry out as she clutched the book tightly against her chest...

My throat was in a knot and the pit of my stomach ached as I brought both of my hands into a tight fist. Became I knew what Lily was trying to ask me, but she couldn’t speak out the words. After everything that happened to my mother, I had no one that could feel the exact pain that I was going through. Though eventually, Lily would try and be there for me...

She even went so far as to take me to her favorite library, but I was never interested in reading books. But when I found myself in the children’s section, my eyes locked on a particular book that piqued my curiosity, so when I started reading it. I Immediately knew...the deep meaning behind the words and actions of what was happening...

A little boy, wandering throughout the world. Trying to find his home, no one would acknowledge his existence. But no matter what...he would just keep smiling. That is until he finally found where he belonged. A tree, where he finally rest in peace...it wasn’t that he found his home. But the place where he died, explains why no one was able to see or hear him...

I was honestly surprised that a book like that was meant for children. But then again, kids won’t really understand the true meaning behind stories so easily. Though I grew very interested in the book that I even did my own investigation on the author who wrote it. Come to only find out that the author had ended his own life by hanging himself in the same tree where the little boy in the story rested at...


Hearing Lily call out my name, I knew I had to come up with some sort of excuse to avoid this conversation.

“Lily, what’s the real reason for wanting me to come here? You said you wanted to talk, but about what? Because if it has anything to do with my mother, I’ll walk away right now-”

“Why are you being like this? Did I do something for you to be acting this way? You’ve never had a problem talking to me about your mom-”

“Stop...just stop. I want everything that happened in the past, to stay in the past.” I sternly explained to her...

Though she had quickly stood up from her seat and marched her way back towards me before throwing the book she had in her hand against my chest. But she continued her tantrum as she kept hitting me with her small punches. Trying my best to be calm, I grabbed her hands so she can stop, but I didn’t expect her to suddenly place a kiss on me! My eye widen in shock as I carefully rushed myself away from her by pushing her back down on her wheelchair!

The utter look of dismay and pain that was shown on her face wound me. All I want is to end things...but I don’t think we can leave here unbroken. Even as I crouched myself down to her eye level, she refused to look at me as the tears in her eyes were visible for me to see...

“Lily...no more, it’s done...I’m done-”

“So that’s it then!? Am I suppose to just accept it and just leave!? You say that you are done...but what about me? Don’t I get a say in how I feel?” She sobbed out her emotions as she grabbed onto my arm.

It was the agony in her eyes that made me realize that maybe I’m being selfish. But I don’t know what else I can do or say to make things less painful. Feeling her hand rest on my cheek, she leaned in closer to me before placing her forehead against mine. Closing her eyes, she stayed deep in thought until her tears dried up...

“I’m sorry... forgive me for acting childish. I don’t know what I’m doing...I should be happy that you found someone you care for. But...I hate this jealously of mine, I absolutely detest it. Because I’m becoming a horrible person for wanting you all to myself, Kai...I love you, so much. And I can’t...I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else. Because it’s always been you, from the very beginning...it was only you. Whenever we would laugh together... secretly hold hands with one another, sneak in here to enjoy each other’s time. I’ve never been so happy...I just wish I could have told you how I felt before I left Korea-”

“No! I should have been the one to have told you how I felt...I loved you...Lily, I loved you so much. And I still do...but things are different-”

“Different now, I know... Kai, please...is there really no place for me in your heart anymore?”

She asked before resting her hand on my chest where my heart would be at. Taking a deep breath in, I placed my hand on top of her head before giving her my answer...

“You will always be in my heart... however, I will always see you as if you were my own sister. I don’t regret loving you... because back then...I cherished the time we had with each other. Because you were able to make me smile...and I wish, I could return the favor-”

“I didn’t stay by your side so you could feel like you owe me something in return, I stayed by your side because all I ever wanted was to make you happy. Kai...I’ll be leaving next week, but this time...I don’t think I’ll be coming back for a few years. I’m going to be very busy in these next few days, which is why I took the choice of speaking to you right now.”

She explained as she went ahead and picked up the book she threw at me before heading back towards the window...

“I will miss you,” I said to her.

“Yeah...I’ll miss you too. Kai, tell me...the person who wrote this book. Did you know what happened to the author? If so, have you ever...tried to-”

“You’re reading too much into it, it’s just a book-”

“Then answer the question, have you ever...tried to do...what your mother did-”


I coldly answered before looking away at her...

With her back facing my direction, I knew that this is what was best for us. If Lily ever found out the truth of what I almost did, then I know I will never hear the end of it with her. And what’s worse is that I know she will only end up hating herself and take the blame for my actions. So I will take this secret, to my grave...I’m sorry, Lily. But for you to be happy...I need you to believe that everything is okay...that I’m-

“Okay...I will no longer ask anymore. So I’ll stop things here... Kai, before you leave. Can you promise me, that you’ll stay strong...and to protect the person you love. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how cruel the entertainment industry can be...” She said to me as she stared out towards the window once more.

Making my way towards her, I placed my hand on top of her shoulder before staring out the window as well. The brightness of the full moon shined down on both of us as I let out a tiresome sigh. What Lily warned me of, was what Jin was trying to prevent what Rose will go through. I won’t lie and say that I’m not afraid of what the world might say or do. But I do know one thing...

“As long as she stays by my side...I’ll be able to stay strong because of her.”

I voiced out quietly enough for her to listen to. She then placed her hand on top of mine before giving it one last squeeze.

“I see...keep her close then. And never let her go...cherish and protect her. What am I even saying right now? I just got my feelings rejected, yet I’m here trying to support you in your love life. I need to hurry and stop loving you...”

She chuckled a bit before releasing my hand. Though she eventually ended up moving back towards the desk as she placed the book down...

Her voice was broken, and her light laughter was only trying to cover the many tears that kept falling. Her heart is broken because of me...and I could no longer tend to her. No longer comfort her, because then... I’ll be betraying the person who I truly love. Rose, I never want to give you a reason to hate me...

“Lily...thank you, for loving me when I couldn’t. Back then...you saved my life from falling into despair. And I will always be grateful for it...thank you...for everything. You will always be, my first love... goodbye.”

I spoke out my last words before giving her one last stare. Though she refused to look at me as she kept a weak smile on her face...

“You...will forever be my first love. Kai, goodbye...”

She said her last final words to me before I took a deep bow behind her. She will always be someone who I will always respect and care for until the day I die...

So once I raised my head back up, I immediately made my way towards the exit of the library. I think this will be the last time I ever come here again. And without ever looking back, I kept walking forward to the future I’ve been longing for. To the person who’s now waiting for me, Rose...

Entering my car, I kept my face masks on the whole driveway there. I just hope I didn’t keep Rose waiting too long, it’s already so late but I hope she’s doing okay. After what Jin did earlier, I’m growing worried about what I might walk into. No, I shouldn’t overthink things...I need to have more faith in Rose. She won’t let Jin do anything to her, right? I want to believe, that Jin won’t do anything...

The anxiety I had earlier when I was speaking with Lily wasn’t going away. Just what is this unstable emotion that keeps luring over me? It’s unsettling and almost too unbearable for me to deal with. Is it because I finally decided to let Lily go? I guess I’m beginning to feel the reality of it all, and that the one person that could ease my mind and heart was now her...

Parking my car at the hospital parking lot, I quickly texted Rose that I was outside waiting for her. However, the minutes grew longer without her response. The rapid growth of my heart ached as I could no longer wait, so I immediately decided to go back inside the building. With the same nurse at the front desk giving me the okay, I hurried myself to the upper floors. At first, I thought that maybe Rose had her phone off. Which is why she wasn’t responding, but as much as I wanted to believe in that. I think it was just wishful thinking because the moment I opened the door. My eyes locked gaze where Rose and Jin were laying at!

I didn’t care to knock when I had entered, nor did it matter if Jin saw me or not. I was ready to just end Jin’s stubbornness! None of it mattered anymore to me once I saw him laying on top of Rose! As I approached closer, the distraught look on my face saw the deep sorrows in their closed eyes. Their puffy eyelids along with their wet eyelashes showed that they both have been crying. I don’t think they were able to notice my presence since they both continued to sleep...

I hate this...I’m beginning to lose my own patience. It’s coming down to the point where I don’t think I could support Jin anymore. He tells me to stay away and to not grow attached to Rose, well...it looks like he couldn’t take his own damn advice. The anger in my veins could be felt pulsating as my blood boiled in disgust! Jin, we’re supposed to be brothers...but you showed your true colors today.

But just as I was about to yank Jin by the throat to get him off of Rose, a light voice suddenly called out to me! Following the sounds, I looked back and saw that it was Jin’s mother who had suddenly awakened! Slowly making my way towards her, I saw that her eyes kept staring at her son and Rose. For how long has she been awake? Taking a seat by her side, she finally stared over at me before she spoke out in a fragile tone...

“Kai...what are you doing here?” She asked with a weak-like smile as she tried to reach out her hand to me.

However, the irritation of my feelings couldn’t take this bullshit anymore! Pulling my hand away, Jin’s mother looked surprised but remained smiling at me. Just what the hell is wrong with her!? Would she be able to smile if she knew the full truth of how Jin is doing!? I can’t do this, I can’t keep acting as if everything is okay. I don’t wanna lie to her anymore...for so many years. She’s been kept in the dark because Jin is too afraid, to tell the truth!

“Kai, what’s wrong? You look like your about to cry-”

“I should be the one asking what’s wrong with you...how can you smile so easily in the condition you are in? How can you just act like nothing is wrong...I’m sorry... forgive me for saying this, but you and I both know that you don’t have much time left. And I can’t bear to keep lying to you...your son might be able to, but I can’t!” I blurted out my words in despair as I aggressively stood up from the chair!

I know what I said sounded completely inhumane, and maybe it does. But isn’t lying to someone who’s in pain every day far worse!? My sudden outburst soon caused Rose and Jin to awaken! But I didn’t care, because I continued to speak out my true feelings!

“Kai!? What the hell are you doing here? How did you-”

“Shut the fuck up! I’m not talking to you right now!” I shouted towards Jin as I quickly looked over at Rose who held a painful expression on her face.

I knew that she felt terrible for what she did, but it’s not like I could take my anger out on her. When I myself did no better in meeting with Lily, but even so...just seeing them together really aches me to the fucking core! All Rose can do is just stand there feeling guilty with herself. And right now, I could care less... because this had to stop. Here and now...

“Kai...I’m fully aware of my condition. I’ve come accept it, which is why I need to smile as much I can. Because I know it’s only a matter of time before I can’t-”


Jin spoke out in sadness as he tried to approach her, though she had raised her hand to gesture him to stop.

“Jin... please, don’t make this harder on yourself. I know you’ve always been trying to make things better...” She said before looking over at me again.

“I see...then let me ask you something. Are you worried about your son? Do you think he’s unable to live in this world alone?“I asked of her.

“Kai! What are you saying-”

“Don’t you dare interfere right now!” I yelled out towards Rose as she tried to protect Jin in front of me.

“What are you talking about?”

Jin’s mom suddenly asked in a stressful tone of confusion. So I ended up looking back at Jin and saw the shock of agony in his eyes as he suddenly looked away...

“You coward...is this who you are? Do you plan on keeping everything hidden from her! Is this what you want?! To lie to your mother until the very end...pretend that you’re really okay!? That you and Rose are dating?! To act as if you’ll be fine because you have Rose to rely on?! Just stop fucking lying already! Stop making Zack and I cover up your pain, you act like everything is okay! But we’re not fucking stupid! If you can be so honest with your feelings for Rose, then be honest to your own God damn mother! Tell her the truth...and stop dragging Rose into your life-”

“Stop it! Leave him alone! Leave them both alone! How fucking dare you! You’re the worst human being alive!”

Rose shouted at the top of her lungs as she suddenly kept pushing and punching against my chest! So I swiftly caught both her arms to have her stop!

“And what does that make you? Do you plan on continuing to lie to her too?” I coldly asked her, the tears in her eyes began to shed as she listens carefully to my words.

The silence in the room grew intense, that was until we all heard the heavy beating of a heart machine going off! Looking over at Jin’s mom, she had clutched her chest as if she was in severe pain. Jin then quickly rushed to her side and within seconds a few nurses and a doctor came running into the room!

“Mother! What’s wrong!?” Jin cried out in panic!

“I...I can’t breathe...I...” She stuttered out her words before leaning herself over in discomfort.

“We need you all to get out right now! Sir, I know this is your mother. But you need to wait outside until we handle everything!”

One of the nurses said to Jin, but no matter what they had to say. Jin just kept fighting his way to stay in the room!

So without a second of hesitation, I had grabbed Jin from the collar and pulled him out of the room before they locked the doors! However, Jin kept fighting against me as he continued banging on the doors! Rose even tried to calm him down, but with Jin acting unstable he ended up accidentally elbowing Rose in the face!

Pulling her as fast as I can away from him, I saw that he had given Rose a bloody nose! That was when I no longer cared about the consequences! Because I had immediately pulled Jin from his shoulder and punched him harshly against the floor so he could finally stop! Damnit! I know what he’s going through isn’t easy. But he’s making it so very difficult right now...

“That’s enough! You-”

“You did this! It’s because of you-”

“Did what!? Spoke the truth! I don’t give a shit if you blame me for your fucking lies! But know that I’m tired of having regrets! Jin, you can fill that rage in hating me if you want...but know that it’s really yourself that you hate.” I spoke out my last words to him before Jin could even respond.

Grabbing Rose’s hand, I began to pull her away. Though I could tell she was against coming with me with the amount of struggle she was pulling herself back. But because she had her face covered to stop the bleeding, all she could do was follow me in silence...

“If my mother dies...”

Jin suddenly mourned out in grief as I continued to walk down the hallway.

“She won’t... not this way, because she won’t be in peace until she talks to you,” I said without turning back to look at him.

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