Our Secret Melody

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Lyric: Sixty-Seven

Kai’s POV:

“I’ve just had about enough of you three! It’s been more than a month since we’ve all come back from tour and you’ve all been lacking in your work!”

With manager Sang shouting in a fit of irritation, I continued to stay silent as all I could do is look at the floor.

It’s been a vicious cycle, the sleepless nights, the aching pains, and the unbearable numbness that’s been taking over my heart. I haven’t been able to create music, nor do I have the energy to even sing. It’s as if when Rose left...she took a part of me with her. I find myself unable to even breathe when I’m around others now. It’s been horrible, losing the will to even be the leader of this group. My selfishness of putting my feelings first before Zack and Jin... especially Jin. It’s been ruining not only our friendship but this company as well...

“Jin, I’m fully aware as to why you’re not wanting to corporate at the moment. After we held the private funeral for your mother, I’ve asked you to go see a psychiatrist...the same one that I had Kai go see a few years back. I understand that you went for only one day and decided to cancel on getting any help from them. Why is that?”

Sang asked sounding concerned as he leaned himself back on his desk.

It’s been an hour since our manager has been talking to us in his office, in these past weeks we’ve all be struggling to make an effort to do the simplest tasks. We’ve had to cancel photo sessions, meet greets, and even our recordings. ExEx Idol has grown silent to the media and it was only making the paparazzi along with the news too start spreading rumors about us. It made me sick to my stomach, the things that people could easily say without any remorse...how supposedly Zack decided to quit the group due to depression. How Jin can’t stand being part of ExEx Idol because of the lack of fairness, I guess our fans want Jin to have more camera time. Though right now that’s the last thing he would want at the moment...

The loss of his mother has really changed him, so much that he himself has changed completely. I was hoping that maybe after seeing a psychiatrist he would get a little better. But that hasn’t been the case, it’s like he doesn’t want to open up to me or Zack. Let alone some stranger that he doesn’t even know. This is all so frustrating! No one knows what we’re going through yet they continue to spread lies in magazines. After my group went more global, we’ve become more of an influence to our fans...and that’s become a huge responsibility for us.

“Because I refuse to take any medication...if that psychiatrist only intends to get me medicated. Then I would rather not waste my time.”

Jin suddenly explained in a cold expression...

“This needs to stop! Jin, you are not in the right state of mind to not be medicated! How do you expect to work in this condition!? I can’t give you boys any more time off than I’ve already had! The tabloids have been spreading ridiculous stories about all of you! Jin...I’m not asking you to move on from what happened, but I’m asking you to please...try and get through this. As for you, Zack... you’ve been neglecting your health along with Kai. After having all of you three get checked by your doctors, you and Kai have lost the most weight. I really don’t understand...just what hell is going on with all of you? Is there something else that is going on that I don’t know about?”

He asked us in a tiresome sigh, lifting my head, I stared at Jin and Zack who kept their expressionless gaze.

It’s almost like looking into a mirror, neglect, and isolation. The sorrows in their hearts show how damaged they are...just like me. On the day I found out Rose had left, I went back home without telling anybody. I wanted to get away from the world, but it was impossible to do that when almost every country knows who you are. The strength I once had, just completely faded. And the anxiety that I’ve been fighting away, has consumed me entirely. But I don’t want it...I don’t want to rely on drugs anymore. I’m sick...and tired of having to block everything out! Rose...I really am weak without you...

“I think...maybe it’s for the best...that ExEx Idol takes a break for a while-”

“That will never happen, you three have signed a contract that is about to end by this year. We can’t afford to give you any more breaks, I don’t know why you would suggest such a thing Kai, you’re the one that has been wanting to push for this new album to be complete. So I won’t stand for any more of your childish acts, Zack, Jin, Kai... starting tomorrow. Things are going to change...Jin, I’ve given you plenty of time to be alone at your apartment. But it’s about time for to you come back to the dorms. Zack, I’ve spoken to a nutrition specialist to come and put you in a healthy planner. And as for you...Kai, after I was done talking with your psychiatrist. He told me that you longer wish to be on medication anymore. I was hoping that you would tell me this before I had to say anything. But clearly, I can’t trust anyone of you-”

“I don’t need to tell you anything when it comes to personal things like that, last time I checked. You’re our manager...not our fucking parent.”

I sternly spoke as I stood myself up from the chair...

“You’re right...I’m not your parent. But I am the one that has been taking care of you boys when it comes to this company. Have you three have any idea what your fans are saying about you? How the world is seeing you right now? Do you really want all these hard years that you’ve worked so hard for to go down the drain-”

“Don’t you fucking dare bring our fans into this. They have nothing to do with what is going on! The life that we have...I understand that we gave that up once we signed up with this company. But things are different...after what happened to my sister. After what happened to Jin’s mother...and what Kia almost did years back. Don’t we deserve privacy...are we not allowed to mourn...to just be human. Are we expected to look and act perfect for the rest of our lives? If so...how can we ever be happy? That’s not a life-”

“Your life isn’t yours, Zack...I understand what you’re trying to say. But it’s what you said earlier...you gave up living a normal life once you decided to be a member of ExEx Idol. Happiness...that is something you must give to your fans. However, if you’re not happy with the result of what you’re doing. Then just quit...but know that once you do. You will bring shame to not only your family and fans...but yourself. I am trying, to do the best that I can for you boys. But I’ve been too lenient, having security constantly keeping an eye on you guys. Having to reschedule everything because you’ve all fallen into some depression. I can’t stand for it, not anymore...Kai, you are to get back on your medication and start writing the new song-”

“If you think I’m going to put any more drugs in my body, you’re a fool. And...we’re not going to quit...I...made a promise to a mother. That I would make ExEx Idol known...that I would make us reach the billboards and change the world with our music.”

I explained to Sang before approaching his desk!

“Do you know what you’re saying right now!? Your medication is what was keeping you sane. Did you already forget how badly your condition was back then? Because I remember it every day, I...don’t wanna see that again. I don’t wanna see you in a hospital again. Your father...as well as I...we almost lost it when we were told that you weren’t going to wake up! Do you have any idea what you almost fucking did to yourself!?”

With manager Sang shouting in vain, he pulled me from the shirt and yanked me harshly before his grip was beginning to shake.

The look of despair in his eyes showed how terrified he still was from my attempted suicide I almost did years back. I never thought in my entire life that I would try to kill myself...but it shows how dark the human mind can sink into darkness. I just wish Sang could understand that...but it seems that he only cares about the self-image that I hold and that’s the company...so I carefully wrapped my hand around his risk. And had him release me...

“You’re wrong...it wasn’t the drugs that were keeping me alive. It was fear...the fear of dying. It was until I felt nothing that I no longer cared...but it’s different now. Because I told myself...that I would never do something like that again. But no matter what...I know that it will forever be imprinted inside me. And I will never forget that day... because I’m constantly reliving it when I’m unable to smile...ExEx Idol...will be back in schedule...but don’t expect us to return how we used to be.”

Speaking my final words to him, I decided to leave his office and make my way down the hallway...

The shouting of manager Sang calling out my name echoed through the halls as I walked further away. Hearing the light footsteps making their way behind me, I didn’t look back until I reached the elevator. It was when the doors finally opened that I stepped inside and turned around to see that it was only Zack who had followed me. Ignoring his presence, I pressed the button that would take me to the company building’s main lobby. Though once I did, Zack didn’t hold back in shoving against the wall! I knew this was bound to happen since I’ve been avoiding them for weeks...and I’m certain that Zack is angry by the actions I didn’t do...

“You have a lot of fucking nerve talking about your promise to Jin’s mother. You have no right to say anything like that! Your nothing but a piece of shit...”

He spoke as calmly as he could, but his hands’ trembling was evident that he was very pissed at me as his hold only tightened more.

“Say whatever you want...you and Jin are the ones that lied to me first. Neither of you told me that Rose left-”

“Shut up! We’re not talking about her! I’m talking about why you didn’t come to the funeral! Do you have any fucking idea how hard it was for Jin to watch his own mother get buried?! Not once! Did he shed a fucking tear! He didn’t even speak that entire day! He’s broken...and I can’t fix it. It was only our manager and myself that was there by his side! But you weren’t there.. you weren’t there when he needed you! Only you know what it’s like losing a mother! Yet you let your selfish emotions get in the way-”

“Selfish? Yeah...I guess I am selfish. How can I...show myself to Jin’s mom when I’m like this. How can I bring myself to her when I’m not strong enough to even take care of myself! I’m weak...I’m pathetic-”

“This isn’t about you! For once...in your fucking life. Think about what Jin is going through...Rose...I really wish she was here. Because then maybe... everything wouldn’t be so painful. You don’t think I miss her also? Jin...I know that he misses her too...but he’s been keeping himself in the dark. He doesn’t want to talk to me and I can’t stand it...I can’t stand ‘not’ being needed! I feel useless...and unreliable.”

Zack explained with saddened tears before roughly pushing me back. He then let go of his grip before taking a few steps away from me...

Watching his posture, he leaned himself back on the other side of the wall before tilting his head down. Wiping his face, he took in a heavy sigh as we felt the elevator dropping us further down. Grabbing the necklace around my neck, my heart ached once I realized how much of an impact Rose did, not just only in my life...but their lives as well.

“I... don’t know what I’m supposed to do... I’m lost. And I hate it...I hate myself for not being there for Jin. But I can’t bring myself to see his mother when I’m feeling this way...I don’t know what to say to Jin either. After Rose left... I’ve just felt really alone... so I just pushed everything away, but that isn’t what I want. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want Jin or you to ever feel unwanted...but I can’t be the leader that can lead this group...not when I’m broken. I thought after what happened with Lily...I swore that I wouldn’t get close to anyone again. Because I never wish to hurt them...but I ended up doing it anyway. Rose...she left because she couldn’t handle being with me...I should’ve known...I should have never told her the truth of what happened to my mother... about trying to commit suicide...the toxicity of how our fandom can be. Everything...I should have never gotten close to her...I want to regret meeting her...but I can’t...I can’t do it...because then it really will be too painful for me to live. I want to remember the precious memories I had with her...even if there lies...I want to pretend that I at least mattered to her. That I wasn’t someone who she tossed away...I despise it...I loathe it...this heart of mine. That still wants to be with her...that still loves her...that wants to her hold her...”

As I finally expressed how I felt, I found myself dropping towards the floor as I felt too defeated to even stand. I’ve been holding back my tears for the last month, but I can’t do it anymore...I can’t bring myself to block these emotions that have been eating away at me. But as I felt myself drowning in anguish, hearing the words that Zack had to say made me froze in disbelief!

“She never wanted to leave...I’m sorry, Kai. But knowing how you get...you would have made things just more complicated. We all are dealing with hopelessness right now...and I’m sure Rose is dealing with it as well...”

Zack said once we both heard the doors finally open! But just as Zack began to walk out, I quickly stood back up and chased after him!

“Wait! What do you mean that she never wanted to leave?! What are you saying-”

“I can’t say... because then I’ll be going against what Rose was trying to do for all of us. It would have been for nothing...Kai, for right now... please just talk with Jin. Apologize and...try and make things right with him.”

He said in a serious matter before walking away from me...

Being left alone in the lobby, I tried to think carefully of the words he said about Rose...but no matter how hard I tried to piece it together. I was still left with emptiness...but he’s right about one thing. I need to go and apologize to Jin...I doubt he’ll forgive me. Let alone wanna speak with me, but I have to at least try...

Deciding to go to his apartment, I got in my car and began to make my way there. I’m fully aware that Jin is still back in the company, but if I’m going to have a long serious talk with him. I would rather do it in the privacy of his home when no one is around. I just hope he gives me a chance, after everything that had happened...I really have been selfish. But I can’t help how I feel because of her, she’s the reason why I’m like this. Zack can’t bring himself to tell me anything as to why Rose left...but maybe...Jin can?

Arriving at the location, I parked my car right outside the building. Though I wasn’t expecting to see a mob of fans and paparazzi waiting outside! I almost forgot how popular this apartment building was, actors, actresses, and idols are known to live here. This place is known for its good security, but with the number of people that are crowding outside. I see why it would be difficult for the guards to keep them in control...

Giving out a sigh, I reached for the glove compartment and pulled out my face mask. I know that I could easily go through the back. But I’m getting really sick and tired of having to hide everywhere I go. If I just quickly rush through the crowd, then maybe I can go unseen. Hopefully, no one notices who I am...with my heart beating a thousand miles a minute. I tried to calm this overwhelming anxiety as I stepped out of the car. Making my way to the sea of people, I heard the unsettling chants and questions everyone was saying...

“Jin! Please smile! I love you!”

“Bring Jin out! I want to see him!”

“Is Jin really leaving the group? I thought it was Zack who was wanting to quit!?”

“OPPA! Don’t do this to us! We love you!”

“Why is Jin being so mean and ignoring us?! I thought he loved us? Does he only care about fame?”

“Jin! Stop being selfish! It’s not fair!”

“Do you think that maybe he found himself a girlfriend!? If so, then maybe that’s why he wants to quit so he could settle down? That’s not fair!”

As I passed through them, I tried to block out their words as I reached closer to the entrance. I don’t wanna hear what they have to say, they don’t know what’s going on. And they never will, because the last thing I want. Is for the world to feel sorry for Jin. He doesn’t deserve that...he doesn’t deserve to be looked down at.

As I finally made it to the entrance, I was immediately approached by five security guards. However, I quickly pulled my face mask down to show them who I was. Their shocked faces made them hurry in opening the doors for me! Making my way to the front desk, I asked if it would be possible to wait at Jin’s floor number. Though the front desk people only agreed to my request since it was me...though they also kindly asked for an autograph.

It didn’t take long to reach his room afterward, so I patiently began to wait. Sitting on the floor, I leaned my head back against the door. Closing my eyes, I thought back to what manager Sang told me earlier about Jin. I had no idea it was this bad that he needed to see a psychiatrist...it’s obvious why Jin refuses to take medication. After seeing what it was doing to me, I’m sure he wants to avoid getting fucked up like I was...

“Everything’s a mess...”

I said to myself feeling dejected while rubbing my head in frustration...

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the quietness that filled these halls was suddenly interrupted by an unusual sound, it sounded like pots hitting the floor!? Confused as to where the noise was coming from, I stumbled myself up and carefully placed my ear by Jin’s door. It was only then that I was able to pinpoint where the noise was coming from. Is someone inside his apartment? Housekeeping perhaps? No, they would leave the door open if that was the case. And I know for a fact that it isn’t Jin since he stayed at Sang’s office after I left. So who in the world is inside-

“What are you doing?”

“Huh?! What? Oh, Jin it’s you...when did you come? I didn’t hear you-′

“You didn’t hear me because you were too busy being occupied by my door,” Jin said in a bothersome sigh before making his way down the hall.

He then blocked the entrance of his door as he leaned himself back...

“I... just thought I heard something inside... umm, I came here because I needed to talk to you-”

“And what if I don’t wanna talk?”

Jin quickly responded in a stressful tone as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Listen...you have every right to be angry at me. I...should’ve been there at your mother’s funeral but I wasn’t...and I’m sorry...but you need to understand that when Rose left, I...didn’t know what to do with myself-”

Before I could speak any further, I was interrupted by the sounds of somthing being unlocked. From where Jin was standing at I watched as the door behind him opened and felt as if someone had stabbed me through the heart once I saw the person peeking their head out. I froze, unable to say anything other than to just look at her...

“Oh, Jin! I thought I heard you out here, what are you-”

Her voice was brought to an instant silence once her eyes gaze found mine. Time seemed to stop for both of us as we needed to comprehend if what we were seeing was real or not?! But why...why is she here? Why is she coming out of Jin’s apartment?! I thought she left? Do I even wanna know why she’s here? I don’t think I can...I’m too afraid to know what the answer might be. But even still...why are you looking at me like that? Why do you look like your about to cry...weren’t you the one that ended things between us? You left without saying anything to me...

“Rose...”

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