Our Secret Melody

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Lyric: Sixty-Nine

MelRose POV:

“Jin! Please don’t-”

Instantly gasping in shock, I was brought to silence the moment I felt Jin’s hands gripping my arms! The sounds of cold water splashing out of the tub were all I could hear as the heavy breathing began to consume me. It wasn’t until Jin finally lifted his head to look at me that he looked in disbelief. Feeling his shaking hand resting against my cheek, he instantly began to cry like me...

“MelRose...I’m sorry...I’m so sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused-”

“No! Don’t ever apologize! You have nothing to be sorry for...I’m the one that should be sorry. I... wasn’t here when you needed me the most. Jin...I’m sorry... I never wanted to leave any of you... please... please forgive me.”

I sobbed uncontrollably as we both embraced one another strongly...

With how firmly Jin was holding onto me, he snuggled himself towards my chest, almost like a child who longed for the comfort of his mother. This cold body of his, I wish to be his warmth. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed in the bathtub, but I continued to comfort his pain until he was no longer crying.

Shortly after, I had Jin take a warm shower as I tried to clean up the mess that his apartment was in. In doing so, I was beginning to feel my own body becoming numb. I guess from being soaked in the rain then entering a cold bath afterward. It’s no surprise why my body is beginning to shut down. Letting out a tiresome sigh, I did what I could in cleaning before taking a rest. Though right as I sat down, I heard a door being opened! Looking over, I saw that it was Jin who was stepping out of his room. With a small towel covering the top of his head, I quickly stood up and made my way towards him.

Grabbing his hand, I led him to the couch and began to dry his head with the towel. The silence between us was visible, it’s like Jin doesn’t know what to say to me. After what I walked into, I’m not sure if Jin even wants to talk about it. But I can’t just let it go and not question him, though I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or re-open a wound that will make him lash out. In the midst of patting down his damp hair, Jin calmly grabbed my wrist and made me stop. And although he was still unable to look at me, he got up and walked towards the closet. Opening it, he took out a towel and handed it over to me...

“Take a warm bath before you catch a cold...”

He said to me before placing his hand on top of my head.

Feeling how warm his hand was, he must have felt how cold my skin is when I grabbed his hand earlier. Letting out a weak smile, I decided to head towards the shower. Stripping off my wet clothes, I set them to the corner while turning on the warm sprinklers. Entering the tub, I immediately crouched myself down as I let my whole body be consumed by the many droplets hitting me.

“It’s warm...but why do I still feel so cold?”

I asked myself in grief while gripping my necklace.

In the state that Jin is in right now...how long will it take for him to be okay? If I haven’t had came to stop Jin from what he was about to do...no! I don’t wanna imagine it...the thought of it alone is too much for me to bear. And to think that Kai...he did such a thing back then. It hurts me...and I want it to stop...Kai... please make it stop. My heart keeps pounding so heavy...and it feels like my chest can give away at any moment.

Once I felt a little better, I hurried in washing myself before ending my bath. With nothing to wear, I grabbed the bathrobe that was hanging by the door and placed it on. I didn’t really bring many clothes with me since I wasn’t expecting to stay here for too long. But seeing the condition that Jin is in...I think it’s best if I stay for a while. I need to make sure that Jin will be okay... because right now...he needs me.

Coming out of the restroom, I tied my bathrobe around my body. Looking around, I saw that Jin was sitting down on the floor near the window. With his head leaning against the glass frame, I wasn’t sure if I should approach him or not. But within the seconds of me standing there, he finally turned his gaze towards me. The dark circles under his eyes and his sunken cheekbones... he’s lost a lot of weight the last time I saw him.

“Come here...”

He suddenly said to me as he fixed his posture a bit more.

Not saying anything in return, I slowly made my way to where he was at. Sitting down next to him, he quickly had me face the other way! Feeling tense, I stiffened my shoulders the moment I felt his long fingers running through my wet hair. But that tension of mine faded the second I heard the blow dryer! This was definitely unexpected...but then again...it feels nice. Closing my eyes, I let Jin run his hands through my hair as he continued to dry it.

It was when he turned off the dryer, that I opened my eyes to look outside the window. The clouded skies still cried with how hard the rain kept coming down. I hope...that the fans have left already. It’s too careless of them to be outside in this weather...and they’re only making things worse for the group. I wonder if Jin knows- what am I saying? I’m certain that Jin knows about the paparazzi and fans waiting outside. As I sat between Jin’s legs on the cold floor, it wasn’t until Jin placed the blow dryer down that he finally spoke...but as he did. All I could do was keep looking forward in silence.

“She passed away a few days after you left...the funeral we had for her was small. Only...manager Sang, the guys and you know about her passing. It’s strange...but even in her last dying breath. She never stopped smiling at me...but I couldn’t do it...I couldn’t smile at the end. How can I? How can I keep smiling...when a part of me no longer feels complete. I tried... MelRose, I really tried to keep strong. But I was unable to...this anger...this pain. I just...I wanted it to stop...so I would block everything out. Breaking everything... ignoring my fans... refusing to get help. All of it...I wanted to get away from everyone...so I would shut myself away from the world. In the darkness... anything that could make me feel numb...I wasn’t trying to kill myself...I just didn’t want to feel any pain. After seeing what Kai went through...I wasn’t about to repeat his regrets. But I can understand why he would do such a thing...when you feel like you have nothing left to live for... feeling worthless, empty...a void that keeps digging in your heart. As if you’re unable to breathe...I felt like I was at a point of no return. But it was the sound of your voice calling out to me...your hands suddenly embracing me...and the warmth of your own heart tending to mine. That made me want to keep fighting to live a happy life...I want to keep living... MelRose, tell me...is it really okay...if I continue to live happily without my mother?”

His voice sounded broken, even when he gently wrapped his arms around me. He couldn’t stop trembling as he buried his face to the back of my neck. With his hair still being slightly damped, I felt the cool tips of his hair brushing against my skin. Clenching my jaw, I held back any tears that wanted to fall as I placed my hand against one of his arms. Staring ahead, I saw a picture of Jin’s mom framed on the wall. Her bright smile made me re-live the precious memories I made with her...

“Your mother...she would want you to be happy. To smile...to stay strong. And you will... because I will be there to make sure that you are. Your mom, she loved you so much...and she’ll always will. Jin, you won’t be alone... Zack, Kai...and even I. We all love you...you’ve become very dear to me...and I hope...you’ll let me be by your side for as long as you let me. But promise me...that you would never scare me like that again.

I said to him while leaning myself back, his hold on me never loosened as he nodded in response. We both then finally rested our bodies. Staring into the abyss of the mist fog looming over the skies, I placed my hand against the glass. Letting the tiredness of my body finally take over me, my hand slowly began to slide down. My eyes came to a close as all I could hear was the fading rain and Jin’s breathing...

*

The following morning, I slowly opened my eyes. However, I don’t remember falling asleep with any sheets on me? Observing where I was, I realized that I was in Jin’s bed! Pulling off the sheets quickly! I looked at the other side of the mattress and was brought at ease when I saw that it was only me laying on the mattress. Rubbing my eyes, I yawned before standing myself up. Seeing how I was still wearing a bathrobe, I blushed in embarrassment knowing that I was still completely naked underneath here! Wait a minute! How did I end up in Jin’s bed? I am pretty sure I fell asleep in the living room with him- unless...

“Did he carry me here while I was sleeping?”

I asked myself before looking at the time on the clock.

It’s still early in the morning, I wonder where Jin ended up sleeping? But just as I asked myself that, I got my answer once I exit Jin’s room to see that Jin was still sleeping on the couch. As I closely tip-toed carefully towards him, I saw how snugged he was holding on to the pillow. No matter how I look at it...he reminds me of a child. Despite his manly image along with his muscles and height...it’s his heart that I’ve come to understand more about. He’s not like Zack or Kai...he’s different, needing to hold this strong persona. Since he’s the oldest, I’m sure Jin felt that he had to be the mature one in the group. However, right now... he’s more of a fragile boy who needs caring for.

Moving a strand of his hair away from his face, I stared at him for a little bit more. Smiling, I decided to let him sleep a bit longer. He needs it right now, grabbing the damp clothes I had left in the bathroom. I brought them over to the washer to have them clean, the sooner I could wear my underwear. The more comfortable I will feel, but for now, I’ll just bear with it. Deciding to clean up the rest of the apartment, I made sure to stay as quiet as I can so I wouldn’t wake Jin up.

Though with my stomach beginning to growl, I felt a sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen! Bending myself over, I bit my lower lip until the pain subside. Ignoring my discomfort, I began to make breakfast. I’m sure the smell of bacon filling the air would wake Jin up and sure enough, I watched as he slowly lifted himself off the couch. With his hair being a mess, I couldn’t help but laugh at his appearance!

“Huh? What are you laughing at?”

He asked sounding confused as he made his way towards the kitchen.

“It’s nothing, you should go wash up. I’m almost done here...”

I said to him as I began to place the plate of food on the table.

It didn’t take long for us to eat breakfast shortly after, though I began to explain what I’ve been up to since I went back to America. With my sister dealing with her issues, my parent’s work, and me needing to look for a new job soon. I did my best in avoiding bringing up the subject of Kai. I really don’t wanna talk about him, I’m just not ready to face it yet. Regardless of how sick I was becoming over it, I can’t think about him right now...the person I must focus on at the moment is Jin-

Suddenly a wave of unbelievable pain came rushing through me as I dropped my fork against my plate! Getting off the chair I was sitting on, I immediately crouched down and grabbed my lower abdomen! My actions made Jin grow very concerned as he instantly rushed to my side!

“Are you okay?! What’s going?! MelRose, what’s hurting you?”

Jin asked sounding worried as he patted my back lightly.

And in that instant, I felt something wanting to come out of me. Rushing myself to the bathroom, I shut the door behind me! I sat on the toilet and knew what was happening...I couldn’t believe that I had to get it today of all days. Then again, I was very late...but what do I do!? I can’t sit on this toilet for the next week. Not to mention my underwear is still getting washed-

“MelRose? Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

Jin asked while knocking on the other side of the door. Hearing the handle beginning to jiggle I immediately stopped him from opening the door!

“Don’t come in! I’m...I can’t...leave the toilet right now.”

I awkwardly said to him, covering my face I felt absolutely mortified! How am I suppose to explain this to Jin? I can practically feel my face growing red-

“Did you get your period-”

“Don’t say it out loud stupid!”

I yelled back feeling shy as I covered my ears! But what was the point of doing that? Jin already put two and two together...my cramps and not being able to leave the bathroom. It’s fairly obvious what was going on...but I’m surprised that Jin could say it so easily. But then again, he did help take care of his mother before. So maybe, he’s used to this sort of thing?

“I understand...wait here for a bit,” Jin suddenly said.

“What? Where are you going?”

I asked feeling flustered, though I didn’t get a response. All I heard was a door being closed a few minutes after Jin told me to stay put.

bending over, I did my best to fight through the pain. The minutes seemed to drag on as I grew more uncomfortable sitting on the toilet. But it was when I heard a sudden knocking on the door that I went ahead to open it. Leaving a crack open wide enough to see through, I saw that it was Jin who looked completely out of breath! With his face mask on and the different clothes that he was now wearing...did he leave the apartment!? He soon handed me a plastic bag for me to take!

“I wasn’t sure...what kind of brand you used. So I brought a few different options. And some other things that might help you.”

He awkwardly explained before turning himself around. The image of his ear turning lightly pink showed just how bashful he was becoming.

“You...did you really leave just to buy me this stuff? Jin-”

“It’s fine...don’t worry about it. I snuck through the back of the building so it wasn’t so bad...” He quickly explained as I watched him take his face mask off.

“I see, thank you... I truly appreciate it.” I responded with a smile before closing the door.

Going through the bag, I kept grinning the entire time as I saw the different types of feminine products he got me. He even went out of his way to buy me painkillers and... underwear. As much I want to hide under a rock right now...it’s nice having Jin go out of his way to do something like this for me. Especially with everything that’s going on in the media about him.

*

“I’m starting to feel a lot better... thank you.” I gave my gratitude to Jin once more as we both sat on the living room couch.

“There’s no need to thank me... you’ve done so much for me already. You left America to come see me. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for that. With everything that’s been going on... manager Sang gave ExEx Idol a few weeks to take a break. But I’m sure once that break is over, will go back to working just as hard as we did before-”

“Are you serious?! Why? I think you guys should take more than a few weeks off. You can’t keep going on like this, why is Sang pushing you three so hard? Doesn’t he understand how difficult it is-”

“It’s because we work so hard that we’ve been able to break records and grow so fast. If we slow down now...then all our hard work would have been for nothing.” He said in a depressing sigh...

Just hearing him talk about it, seems to wear him out. In the state that he’s in, I don’t know if his mental health will be able to catch up to him. I’m sure Zack and Kai are the same...but listening to Jin explain the situation of what’s going on. I knew that there was nothing I could do but just accept what they signed up for...

“MelRose...if it’s okay with you. Do you think, you can stay here with me until this break of mine is over? I would feel much comfortable if you were to stay here than be in some hotel room. I also want you to avoid being seen by any reporters...since manager Sang refuses to tell me who took the photos by the beach last time. I can’t help but be paranoid...I’m sorry, I know what I’m asking for is a lot and I understand if you don’t wish to be here-”

“Jin, on the day that I left...I couldn’t stop sobbing when I read your letter. Even though you told me to not cry, that was all I could do. You told me to be strong and I tried. But to be honest, it’s not that easy...Jin, I came back because I needed to be here. After seeing what you were doing to yourself, how can I just leave? You and Zack have become part of my life, my family, and I want to be your strength-”

“Melrose, why...haven’t you asked me about him? I’ve yet to even hear you say his name.”

Jin asked me as he placed his hand on top of my head...

“I...can’t...I can’t say his name. I don’t want to... because then I really won’t stop crying.”

I explained to him in a painful smile, though the look in his eyes showed how serious he was being.

“Zack, he’s been keeping himself busy... though when he’s around me. It’s like he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore. I could understand why, so I made the decision of not talking to anyone... though I’m sure he’s hurt by that. However, when it comes to Kai...he’s almost as broken as me. I haven’t spoken to him once after he found out about you leaving. He’s been giving Sang a hard time and he’s kept himself locked away in his dorm. He’s still hurting...but don’t ever blame yourself, MelRose. You really have no idea just how strong you’ve been...and I’m forever thankful for having you be part of my life. I truly love you...and I think I always will. But this love that I hold dear...I wonder if it will change?”

With the feeling of his strong arms suddenly hugging me, I felt a tug on my heart as I embraced Jin in return. Resting my head against his chest, I was able to hear his rapid heartbeat. This love of his, I wish to always treasure it. And although I could never return these feelings to him, I’m sure he’s well aware of it. But I’m curious as well? Will the love that Jin has for me one day change? Because I’m still trying to figure out what love I have for him...Jin, this precious love that we both hold for one another. I never wish to part from it... however, my heart has grown heavy with guilt because of Kai...

Within these next days that passed, I would sometimes have to hide in Jin’s room whenever manager Sang would come by and check up on him. I knew it wouldn’t be safe for me to leave this apartment. It would be a lot safer if I just stayed here, so I would do my best when it came to cleaning and cooking. I wanted Jin to catch up on his sleep and although he still wouldn’t eat as much. I’m just glad he was making an effort, he did his best to stay away from social media and just focus on himself. But I’m relieved I could distract him by just being here, that is until I have to go back home soon...

*

“Will talk more when I come back...it’s been a month since ExEx Idol has been kept quiet. So I’m sure this meeting that Sang set up is about us coming back...so just wait here until I return.”

Jin said to me as I watched him walk out the door...

These days really have gone by so quickly, I’ve had to message my parents every day to let them know how I’m doing. But they have been growing anxious about when I’ll be returning, and if what Jin said is true. Then perhaps, I’ll be going back to America very soon...the more I think about it the more emotional I became. So I tried to shake the thought away as I figured what to make for dinner when Jin comes back. It took a while for me to think of what to make as I finished cleaning. I didn’t even realize the hours that passed! Hurrying to the kitchen, I rushed in setting the pots on the stove, however, since I was being too hasty I accidentally let one of the pots slip from my hands!

“Damnit!”

I yelled out in pain the instant the pot landed on my foot!

I need to stop being so clumsy! But I need to hurry in making dinner before Jin comes home, I don’t want him to have to wait. Though in the middle of prepping the food, I heard a very faint voice coming from outside the door, is that Jin? But when I made my way to open it, instant regret took over me. Because the one person who I didn’t wish to see...was now looking at me!

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