"Lucy, you are getting out of control." My dad shouted at me as he helped me off the floor of some sticky smelly bar floor. I swayed as I stood up, everything was moving.
"You know I've been dealing with shit," I said back in anger, feeling shaking as I leaned against a table.
"I know sweetie, but it's been 6 months of blackouts and me having to come to pick you up from whatever bar you choose to drink at." He lets out a miffed breath, cause he's constantly finding me on the ground in a bar outside a bar or laying face down on someone's lawn. I just don't care.
"I think you should come with me on my next trip out on my boat?? He looked at me with his fatherly eyes but I can see his disappointment in me turning my life into a shit pile of shit.
"Uhh...being around stinky fish and drunk ass men on a boat or stay here and well pretty much be surrounded by the same thing? I laughed at his attempt to offer me a lifeline.
"I'll stay here, thank you." I laugh at him thinking I'd actually go with him on a fishing boat. I have been on occasion when he needed an extra hand in a pinch. But it's hard work and tiring and it takes a lot of muscle and I would much rather just not go.
I pushed away from the table and go to walk away stumbling my way to the door.
"Fuck, Lucy look at you." My dad shouted at me. I spin around on my heel grabbed hold of the half wall that was beside me tottering over as I lose my balance feeling like I was literally on a boat in rough waters.
"What?? I yelled back. People stared but I didn't care. No one knows the shit I have been through. They can sit there and judge me all they want while they think what an amazing life they have and look over at me, freaking out completely losing it.
"Please! I'm afraid if I leave you you'll end up dead." I can hear the heartbreak in his words, his plead to get me to listen. He crouched down with red-rimmed eyes and deepest heavy set creased etched in his forehead, of concern and stress. All because of me.
"It hurts daddy. So bad, like someone shoving a jagged knife into my heart and sawing away. This heavy Drinking takes me pain away, the agony of losing Jacob." I say in my child-like state of needing my daddy. I needed his help cause I am struggling.
"I am sorry for what happened, I know how much you two were in love. But what you're doing it only helping temporarily. Drinking won't bring him back. Just come out for a few weeks see if you feel any better. If it's terrible then I'll drop you back off." It sounded so simple but the aches and the pain in my heart didn't care to do anything but forget the pain.
"What if the guys tease me because I'm there, some feeble girl that can't keep up? I pouted my lip out.
"Oh, they will get a beating if they bug you. The crew is pretty good. They can get a little rowdy. Just let me know and I'll deal with them if they get out of hand." He touched my arm, gently squeezing my arm.
I started into my dad's deep-set eyes, they were brown and dark like mine. We have the same eyes and smile. I ran my hand through his salt and pepper hair more salt now than pepper. He's pretty young looking for being 47 but the only thing that makes him looked aged is his hair colour.
My dad tilts my chin up, my mascara-ridden tears slide down my cheeks. I can't take the pain in his eyes. So I give in to his proposal.
"I will be putting them in their place if they jerk me around or give me any heck."
"I know you will." He says as he brushed my hair out of my face.
"So that's a yes? He says with hopefulness in his deep rich voice.
"I guess. It's not like I've been able to keep a job." I say slightly embarrassed by my behaviour that lasts a little while.
"I expect you to do your part. This isn't just a free ride. Learn something, work hard and maybe you'll begin to let go of the pain...my heal."
"How...how do I let go of him. He was my everything." My throat tightened as I get worked up again.
"Just one day at a time and keep moving forward." He says so simply.
"It's easier said than done, Dad," I whined.
"I'm not saying it's going to be easy." He spoke with love and comfort.
"I'll go." I hope this isn't going to make things worse. Being out in the water away from my one source of pain relief.
"Thank you. I wish your mom was here."
"Why to see me so destructive and lost? I whispered.
"No to see what a beautiful woman you've become."
I wipe at my tears that ran down my face. I grab the chair that I landed beside. I pulled myself up.
"We leave in a week. Take this time to get your shit together."
"Yeah...yeah! I say insipidly.
"Do you need a ride?? He offers me.
"Nah, the fresh air will be good for me. I feel like I'm on a damn boat that's in a storm."
"Hahaha, damn kid. Wait till you're on the real thing." He chuckled as he walked away.
I rush outside...feeling the acid evacuating out of my stomach and up my throat like a firing inferno, I lean over the railing tossing my cookies.
"What the fück!