It took awhile to figure out who I was, how I was broken, barely a person for that matter. This is not your typically teen love story, not to be one of those quirky stories. It's just the way it is. Like I said, I was broken. Very. I was 15 when shit went to shit. My family wasn't one of those perfect movie families, we were far from it.
I guess I noticed when I was little the weird things. My sister wouldn't let me hug her or touch her, like poke her, in anyway. Thats where my longing for touch started. Touch wasn't normal in my family.
Once I was in middle school, all the attention that was once on me because I was youngest, went to May. May was the middle child. If I had to describe her in one word, it would be dramatic. She was so dramatic. Definitely came from my mom. Anthony, my brother, was distance, you could call it. He didn't really share his life with us, it was a mystery.
I didn't really understand when I had no attention, why it was happening, not until high school. I learned how to figure out things on my own. I learned how to just function as a person. It was hard, I kind of liked it. I liked it until I realized it was not normal. It apparently was not normal to live the way my family was living.
Not to make this a sad story but my family had mental health issues, like a lot of mental health issues. My dad is a chewing addict, I've never told anyone that. My family doesn't talk about it at all, its just there. He also has ADHD. My mother, where we got all serious mental health issues from, has anxiety and bi polar depression. My brother who is the oldest out of the three of us, has ADHD, Insomnia, and anger issues. My sister had anxiety, depression, and ocd. I'm the lucky one, with no diagnosed mental illnesses but you know, haven't seen someone about that.
I wouldn't tell you that but it is important. I don't cry in front of my parents. When I do they just tell me that I can't, that I'm supposed to be the happy child. We go to family therapy every week. I HATE it. I never want to go. Its pretty much everyone else talking, I only talk when I have to. I'm pretty sure my family knows nothing about me. I don't share much. They know who my main friends are, my closest. They are the only ones that I allow to come over because to be honest I'm embarrassed to bring people to my shit of a family. Its kind of funny. They think I'm a completely different person than what my friends really know who I am. My family thinks I'm gay because I don't talk about boys at all but my friends know me as boy crazy. Like extremely boy crazy. My family doesn't think that I'm a talkative person but I will talk my friends' ears off. All I do is talk around them.
I think that I truly live three lives, not to one up Hannah Montana. But like seriously. I'm a different person with my family, friends and when I'm alone. When I am home, most of the time I'm in my room. When I'm downstairs it is only to eat or if I have to. Never by choice. Because I'm stuck in my room all day i've figured out way to keep busy. I've gotten pretty good at drawing and just being able to not do anything for hours. I've also gotten good at sneaking stuff I'm not allowed to have. I'm not allowed to have a tv but there is one in my room. My parents go in my room everyday but I've figured out on the weekends they tend to check how clean it is even though I'm 15 and they should respect my private space. So during the weekends, the tv goes in my closet. When the tv is out, I put pillows and blankets right against the door so that way if they open the door, the wouldn't be able to open it far enough to see.
Another thing that I do in my room is cry. Its personally not my favorite activity. Every night after everyone is asleep so they can't hear me, I cry. I cry from my life and my family and how much I just want everything to be different. It usually lasts a few hours before I fall asleep from exhaustion around 3 or 4 am. Then I wake up at 6:30 to go to school. Of course my parents want me to get A's or else I'm a disappointment on two and half hours of sleep.
Anyways that's just the beginning of my shit life.