Taking Risks

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Chapter 4 Part 2

Those two weeks passed by so fast. I was so tired from the flight, I just want to lay on my bed and cry like there’s no tomorrow. I was so stupid! I let myself get carried away by these emotions and fell for him so hard. Why the hell did I proposed this stupid fling relationship anyway? Why didn’t I just say that I want commitment? Why didn’t I said that I love him? I know it’s gonna mess up what we have but it’s better to regret than to live in a world of what ifs.

After that day, we always hang out everyday, swim at the beach, eat at a restaurant, fuck on his place or at the beach or elsewhere and just talk when we feel like it. We were attached by the hip in those two weeks. When my parents went back to the beach house, they wanted to meet Luke so I introduced him to them. They always invited Luke whenever we go out so he always tagged along with us. I got to know more about him and I knew I was in too deep because I fell in love with him. But he doesn’t know that because I was a coward.

I told Callie about what happened to us and was angry at me because I just settled for a fling or friends with benefit kind of thing. I defended that I’m really not into a committed relationship right now so I never told him what I felt, that I was satisfied with what we have. She said I was a coward. I didn’t deny it because it was true.

I won’t really tell him about my feelings because I know the relationship is doomed from the start and I don’t want to ruin what we have although it’s a mess from the start. Besides, I told him that we should forget about each other after two weeks, which is stupid of me. I’m just too insecure about myself. He’s too hot for me, what if he founds someone else that is prettier or hotter than me? I’m already grateful that he gave me the time of the day, and that he finds me sexy.

Who the hell am I kidding? I should forget about him already, it’s not like I’m gonna see him again.

I laid on my bed when I heard a call from my phone. It was from Luke. I denied the call and blocked his number. I cried on my pillow and regret all the decisions that I’ve made. We were supposed to have our last date today but I chickened out and booked the earliest flight today to go home. I couldn’t face him. My parents already left the place two days ago because of work so I had to go alone. He’s been calling and texting me where am I for the past hour since I’ve been home. It’s a good thing that I was on the flight for four hours, that his calls won’t go through since I put it on airplane mode. I just wished that I told him what I felt, maybe just maybe he felt the same way about me.

It’s been a week since I got home and I still feel miserable. Callie kept on comforting but really she just lectured me because of my cowardice. I unblocked his number from my phone yesterday and I haven’t received any calls or texts from him again. I already arrived two days ago on my dorm because I need to fix a lot of things since I heard junior year was going to be stressful. I already studied some of my subjects that gave us handouts already. I heard from Bethany that a lot of professors this year were so strict that you need to really study so I did.

I met Bethany during my first year in college. We both have the same course which is Economics. She was my seatmate on my first class and she approached me first because I didn’t know anyone yet at that time. I was thankful to her because I survive the first year of hell with her help. Although I don’t see her everyday like I used to because we have different schedules now.

Right now, I was on my way to my first class. I sat in front because I know professors doesn’t really take notice on the students in front especially when it comes to recitation. The professor came in and immediately started the lesson without any introduction. I sighed, this is going to be a long day.

I’m really glad that I turned down Bethany’s invite to a party last night. Apparently, a welcome party before a new semester starts. I wanted to go last night but I wasn’t finished yet with my studies. She pouted at me but she got over it after I promised to her that I’m going with her the next time when I’m available.

“So how’s the first day sis?” Bethany asked me. We were both together eating lunch. We both have the same schedule in one subject this semester so I’m glad that I have some company right now.

“Terrible. They already gave us homework. Did I mentioned that we have a quiz next meeting? Ugh. College sucks.” I groaned at her munching on my food.

“Tell me about it. My professor in Labor Economics already gave us quiz!! It’s just the first day, mind you.” I made a face at her. It’s a good thing that we don’t have the same professors in some subjects. She nodded at me, “I know terrible right?”

“So how was your vacation, met any guy?” She asked in a cheeky tone. I must have blushed because she squealed and clapped her hands.

“Tell me all about it!!” I told her that I just had a fling this vacation. I only told her we just met and that it was nothing serious. I changed the subject and we talked about random things like what did she do this vacation or if she was dating some guy again. We didn’t notice the time so when we looked at the watch, our eyes popped out because we’re late for our next class. I said my goodbye to her and ran pretty fast for my next subject.

The day rolled pretty fast and I was so tired already. It’s just the first day of the semester and some professors were already giving out homework while the other lectured. College is really stressful as hell. Why am I even studying? We’re all gonna die anyway, I should just marry an old rich man and make him my sugar daddy. Kidding, I ain’t gonna tap that.

I was staying in the library, waiting for my next class. I lay my head on the table and sighed. I just want to sleep again, I barely slept last night because I was so busy studying. More like moping around because of Luke. I shake my head trying to erase him from my thoughts.

It’s just a fling. I don’t have any feelings from him anymore.

What a way to convince myself, right?

I looked at the clock and saw that it was fifteen minutes before my next class starts so I headed down to the room to be early. I sat at the back because I just want to sleep this time. He won’t even notice one student sleeping in. Students began to fill up the class. I was so busy doodling on my notebook that I didn’t notice the professor arrived already.

“Good afternoon! I am Professor Luke Johnson and this is Economics 118 or Development Economics. Now I want you to get your handouts. I hope you all studied it as I sent you the handouts a week before your classes.” I know this voice. I can’t forget this, I looked up and I saw Luke in front of me discussing whatever he was discussing.

What the hell? Am I dreaming? What the fuck?

I was just too shocked to see him, too shocked that he’s my professor this time. He’s still hot like always, and I can see a stubble on his face. He looks good sporting that. It seems like he didn’t notice me yet. Great, I was hoping that he won’t notice me at all cause it’s gonna be awkward if he does.

I was looking down at my desk and hiding my face with my hair. Shit. I do want to see him but not in this situation!! Just when I was about to look at him again, I caught his eyes. Shit. He did saw me now, how am I gonna get away from this situation? I’m just too unlucky with life.

He quickly composed himself when he noticed me and I shrink back on my seat trying to let myself disappear. I wish the ground will just swallow me up whole. I was too busy avoiding his gaze and making myself invisible that I didn’t notice the lecture ended and students began to leave the class. The last person closed the door and that left the two of us in the room. Shit.

I was about to leave when I heard his voice, “Lauren we need to talk.” I turned around and walk towards him. I was still looking at my feet, afraid to meet his gaze.

“Why?” He asked. I know what he’s asking me about. Why did I leave without any explanation? Why did I blocked his number? Why didn’t I responded to his texts and calls?

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” I whispered. Tears threatened to spill on my eyes because I felt guilty about what I did. I left him hanging without any explanation.

“I don’t need your apology! I need an explanation. Why the hell did you leave without saying anything?” He asked me angrily. My tears began to fall off and I sobbed with my head down.

“I’m sorry.” I kept repeating it to him and I can’t seem to stop apologizing. I know how it feels to be left behind and I know how confusing and painful it is yet I did this to another person. I was such an asshole, I should have made up an explanation or something just to keep him off my back but I cut off ties with him without giving any excuses.

I heard him sigh and felt him hugged me. I was still crying on his chest because I can still feel the guilt of what I did. I was the one who hurt him yet he’s comforting me right now. I’m just really insensitive and an asshole.

I pushed him off me and wiped my tears. I saw him looking at me with no emotion, and I feel hurt at that. I deserve it for the way I treated him.

“I’m really sorry for what I did. Let’s just forget we ever happened. You’re my professor now and I’m your student.” I whispered. I turned my heels and walked away from him. I was stupid again, why didn’t I just said that I loved him. Just when I was about to leave, I felt him grabbed my arms and spun me around. He looked angry at me with his jaw clenched.

“You’re not getting away from me easily.” He said huskily. I gulped, I was nervous about what he wants to do with me. Then, he locked the door and I bit my lip anticipating what’s gonna happen.

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