I Need Her
I stumbled into the bar stools, knocking them over nosily. The alcohol was taking it's toll on me, my dark thoughts screwing my head and my longing for Ember wrenching my insides.
"Mnph..." I groaned, clutching my pounding head.
Despite the fatal turmoil clawing my sanity, I grabbed the nearest bottle of scotch and chugged down as much as I could possibly bear. The sour liquid instantly burned my throat. I winced, swaying and tumbling down to the floor with a grunt. My vision blurred, the dark interior of the private bar in the house was lit only by the moonlight flooding into the room through the windows.
Somewhere in between planting my face in the floor, I had managed to knock more bottles over. There were broken shreds around me. None of which were sharp enough to compete with the ones twisting in my heart.
"Edwin!" My mind registered the shout, it was someone I knew but I couldn't comprehend who it was. Hell, I couldn't even see clearly. "Have you... your... fucking mind?!"
I was yanked up by arms. After a whirlwind of motions, jerky movements of my body, failed attempts of pushing the person away, I landed on something soft.
"Dude...dude...hear...me?" Questions were asked frantically as I was shook. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't look past the pictures burning in my mind. Ember, laughing, in his arms. Looking at him. Happy with him.
Another hot ball of pain smashed my guts. I doubled over the edge of the bed, shouting, screaming, calling her again and again. I wanted her. I needed her before the pain took the last of my remaining bits.
She was mine. She was supposed to be mine. She promised she would be mine. She belongs to me!
I felt a cold rim between my lips then something cold sliding down my throat. I thrashed in what felt like a bed until someone held me down.
"Ember...please." I heard a voice. A broken, desperate, lost voice. It was too low to be mine. But it was. "I want... Ember. Why...won't she...talk to...me?
I rasped and slurred out my pleas to the shadow moving past the veil of blur in front of me. At this point, the pain was inside out. My lungs burned after every breathe I took, punishing me for breathing without her. My heart shredded apart just thinking about her. Ember. My Ember.
"...the fuck is wrong with you?!"
The yell made me curl into a ball. Every sound pierced my head. Every movement of my muscles ached like I had hooks stuck in me and kept pulling at my flesh. Then something unexpected happened. Something no one might never thought about, not even in their wildest dreams.
I teared up.
I sobbed. I heard myself cry out for my sanity. I cried out for the only thing that mattered to me. I screamed into the soft material under my mouth and let the hot searing evidence of my agony escape my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I was never strong. She held me together.
Losing my conscious mind piece by piece into an abyss of regrets and the demons awaiting to drag me down, I passed out in misery.
What welcomed me was the beeping of a machine and blinding white light, not what my existence was desperately begging for. Peeling my eyes open slowly, white walls came into my vision. My chest felt heavy and my guts raw. My throat painfully worked on swallowing.
"Ed?" The voice was small and catious. I sought it to find Blaze sitting beside me on a stool. I was on a hospital bed. Scowling, I looked around and settled my gaze back on a very disheveled Blaze.
"Wha-" I tried speaking but my throat didn't allow me to. Fortunately, Blaze caught on and answered for me. "What happened?"
I nodded slowly.
"You lost your rotten mind, that's what happened. I came in to find my friend lying on the ground, drinking his life away. Dude..." He stood up agitatedly, roughly pushing his hair bacl. "Dude...dude... Do you have any idea what we went through? We thought you're dying! You went too far!"
I winced when his voice went up a notch. His eyes were ablaze, I knew he was angry but he bit his tongue back. I stole my gaze away. Feeling the pain flooding back. I didn't want to feel it. I didn't want to feel anything. But I did. Full force.
The door opened and closed. It took me a while to register someone beside me. The room went dead silent. My heart dropped to my stomach then leapt out of my chest. Goosebumps rippled through my entire body. I shivered under the power of her mere presence. I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to. I was afraid if I moved, I'd wake up and it was just a dream.
I lied frozen when I heard someone exit the room. It was not her though because my heart was still going wild inside me. My head spun.
"Are you okay?"
That's all it took for my soul to flip. I lunged out of the bed, ripping a few tubes out of my arm in the process and dropped to the floor the moment I reached her. My vision blurred for a moment and my arms burned.
Her small arms were around me long before I caged her in mine like she was my last breath. Face buried deep in the crook of her neck, my body shook with the force of the upcoming sob of relief that I held back. The heat of her presence instantly warmed me. My heart swelled in my chest.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm so fucking sorry..." I wanted to beg, to plead, to shout but all I could do was whisper over and over like a maniac. My throat was too sore to produce the words I wanted to say. I squeezed her almost to death. She didn't push me away and that let a shimmer of hope blossom in me. She was frantic about the splotches of blood on my arms, my sill Ember.
"You're bleeding. Blaze!"
Blaze rushed into the room followed by another set of feet. They tried pulling me back. The more they pulled, the more I held on to Ember. A switch flipped in my mind. I felt her slipping through my fingers once again.
Through the pain of speaking, I still managed to growl out. "Stay the fuck away! I won't let go. She can't leave me. She just can't."
"Please, stop." Her brown teary eyes sought mine. Pleading me to let go.
I shook my head, frightened of the consequences if I did. Blaze freed one of my arm but I pushed him away. "Ember, I fucked up. I know, I fucked up. Please, listen to me. Don't go. Don't go, okay, baby? Don't go." My words tumbled over each other because of how frantic I was in that moment. I held onto the sides of her face. Forcing her to look through me like how she always did. "Look at me. Look at what you're doing to me. Don't you love me anymore? Why are you shutting me out? Baby, look at me-"
"Edwin!" She cried out, glaring at me through her tears. Her tiny hands incased mine. "I'm not going anywhere. Calm down. Deep breathes, in and out. In and out."
I listened to her soothing voice after one whole month. I let Blaze help me up to the edge of the bed. My arms never let go of her. I was so fucking relived that she held onto me. I was on the verge of losing myself. She was so close to me. So damn close. Yet she felt far away.
She stood there, looking at me as the nurse inspected me. I felt the sting of the syringe in my arm. A soft wet cotton on my skin. I was instructed to lie down but the stubborn ass that I was, I refused. They reluctantly agreed to step and leave us alone when Blaze met my desperate gaze.
Ember was shaking in my arms. I don't know if she was nervous or trying not to cry. I was tongue-tied, staring at the face that haunted me for the past thirty days. It hurt me to see the barriers between me and her she had already put up. But she was there, and that seeped into the cracks in my being and soothed me.
She couldn't hold my gaze for long. Her eyes hid away from mine, biting her quivering lip.
I snaked my arms around her waist, pulling her closer between my legs until her chest became one with mine. My heart was not the only lump of flesh trying to thunder out of me. Her breathes tickled my cheeks when her face was an inch away from mine.
In that moment, all the pain, the fears, the heartbreak, the demons in my head, the dark thoughts, all the mistakes weighing me down, my guilt, regrets, everything left me in a rush. All that was left behind was her love in my blood. Her existence in my life. And her presence in my arms.
Her face lifted, glossy brown eyes sought mine again. This time, I didn't let my ego and pride get between us. I bared myself open to her. I let her see what she did to me. What I was after her.
Allowing the tears flow, my arms pulled her impossibly close to me. Her body fit right in mine. Like a piece of puzzle made only for me. Her tiny eyes widened. She froze in my arms. She had never seen me cry. I never let anyone see me like this. Never let anyone see how broken I was.
Ember made me do things I never did before. She had that much power over me. She brought me down to my knees without even trying. She fucking owned me. Skin to bones.
"I'm sorry." I croaked. "Come back to me."